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Comment by bluebird on October 15, 2017 at 5:05pm

Absolutely, Paul.  We do not deserve to live in this hell.

Comment by Paul on October 15, 2017 at 4:57pm

bluebird,
As bad as I feel now, I do not look forward to the holidays as this will be the first holiday season without my beloved wife. We also met on a New Year's Eve and I am really dreading that day. I can't see myself lasting years on end in this state of mind. Life DOES fucking suck and you, I and the others on this board are living in a hell that we didn't want and certainly didn't deserve.

Comment by bluebird on October 15, 2017 at 4:33pm

Same here; I feel just like morgan and everyone else. My husband died five years ago, and my "life" is no better -- in many ways, it is worse, both as a result of his death and due to other factors.  For me, the pain of his death, of him not being here with me, of us not being together as we should be, never lessens.  I am a bit more numb than I used to be, but the agony of not having my beloved with me never goes away, and some days it rears itself up and pierces right through me. It's like this -- I am always in pain, always depressed, always wish I were dead, but some days are even worse than others.

Our 5th wedding anniversary was in September (we never got to celebrate even one), then his birthday later that same month.  Now of course the holidays are coming up -- I no longer believe there is a god, and I don't celebrate anything anymore, but I do still spend Christmas with my family, and the sense of emptiness, of him not being beside me, is cavernous.  Then of course there's New Year's Eve, which was always our anniversary (of when we became a couple), which I always spend alone at home, either crying or knocked out via sleeping pill.

Life just fucking sucks, that's all there is to it, for me. My parents and sister love me dearly, and I love them (my brother-in-law and I also love each other -- I really consider him my brother), but that isn't enough, and it never will be.

Comment by Paul on October 15, 2017 at 3:53pm

This seems to be an especially hard time for a lot of us lately. I feel exactly the same way as the previous 4 posters.

Comment by Lost with out him on October 14, 2017 at 9:28pm

Just re-read this I get up and go to work each day because I have no choice. Got To make money. I would rather lay on the couch and watch tv and forget.

Comment by Lost with out him on October 14, 2017 at 9:25pm

Morgan: your words express exactly how I feel. I no longer want to live.i get up every morning and go through the motions of a life because I must. I come home eat chocolate drink a beer go to bed and do it all over again like I am on auto pilot. I try to keep busy so I go not have to think about what I have lost. I am AFRAID to face the future. It has been 8 months of a nightmare I beg to wake up from. I cannot picture my life without Andrew. I have a daughter and 2 Grandaughters. My daughter is devastated over the loss of her Dad and in couselling. When I see then I painfully see that he is not with us. I want out of this HELL. This is not living. I to am a shell of my former self. I look at other men and think " how come you alive and did not have a heart attack at 52? I am bitter! I hate seeing couples together. I want to be with Andrew and cannot understand why he does not come for me?? He must see how broken I am.

Comment by Nancy on October 14, 2017 at 3:36pm

So sorry Morgan. Your words are well written
It's only been 5 months for me and I'm truly in a stupor. I have a very short fuse too. I eat junk food and don't care. I hate life right now. It's unbearable.

Comment by morgan on October 13, 2017 at 11:07pm

I have wanted to write for awhile but I've been so consumed trying to reconstruct my life enough so I can finally make an income that I just haven't had a stitch of energy to post.  I check in to read everyday but just too tired to pull something together.

I want to write how hard this losing my husband has been but I question how many ways can I express how devastating this has been to me.  I keep pushing on hating that I have to and I see no real relief for the feelings that I have.  The grief has taken on a different shape now after four and half plus years but the depth of missing him has grown into experiencing meltdowns where I am totally debilitated for hours.  I cannot forsee withstanding this kind of pain for a lengthy time.  I cannot even believe I have withstood it this long and though I question my courage I cannot help but beg the universe to allow me a means to an end.  It's more excruciating than I thought possible and in the beginning I never thought I could live.  Its even worse now when they happen.  That's how bad the meltdowns are now.  Way different than the first several years but nonetheless crushing the very fiber of me..  

And who is me?   Who is this person I look at?  I don't know her.  She has become a shell of who I remember.  Physically, mentally and definitely emotionally.  My skin is dry and hanging off me.  My joints, all of them have no elasticity and I am now on a steady diet of ibuprofen and wear braces on knees and back and would on my shoulders if I could.  I eat but mostly chocolate and eggs and don't make a decent meal but maybe once every couple months.  All this from someone who did yoga and never had a sick day.  

All I want is to be removed from having to push on.  I see no purpose to just making money to pay bills.  Yet if I live i must.  Which is why during my breakdowns I beg.  I don't want to continue.  I am tired.  I miss him too much.  I have pushed on because I felt responsible for a lot of "unfinished business".  It has taken me this long to try and make decisions and put into place some kind of plans that will honor my husband and give him my last act of love.  I am close.  Drawing closer.  I dont know how or what I am going to feel when I do get to the point where I think I have done what I needed but the interim is literally burying me deeper into a place where life is just an anchor around my ankles.  Dragging it from place to place.

I know I am not alone.  I know that many of you who have just lost your other half and those who have been doing this for awhile know these feelings.  Like I said I don't know how many ways I can express it but tonight I just had to try once again to get this out of my system.  I will try to get some sleep tonight and then wake up again tomorrow and go through the same old charade of living.  Whoever said there wasn't hell on earth? 

Comment by Nancy on October 12, 2017 at 6:58pm

Thank you.

Comment by Paul on October 12, 2017 at 6:08pm

Nancy,
I believe the poem/song is on the comment wall and was submitted by stewart p on October 6 at 11:53 am

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