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Comment by morgan on October 25, 2017 at 9:17pm

Definitely weird that I came to read the posts tonight and find a discussion about the afterlife and religion.  Earlier today I wanted to come on here and respectfully say that I know some look to their faith in a god but I have to get this off my chest.  Having endured four years and nine months of greif I cannot subscribe to any supernatural, spiritual "being" that in its benevolence would allow such suffering for me and for all others.  

This interminable grief is nothing but for the strongest of spouses to have to manage.  And personally, I am horrible at it.  If I were to give myself a label it would be that I have studied and ascribe the force of energy as our highest exchange of spirit and that our bodily manifestation is but a small part of our "existence".  Thus, I guess you would say I believe in the naturalness of the universe.  Not sure there is a label for it specifically.  

But a lot of the time I question my own minds willingness to hold onto what is such a  large picture I cannot possibly understand.  Then my world gets small again and I fall into a very depressed state of wanting to hold my husband again.  A visceral sensation.  His arms and my arms intertwined.  Nothing large just a overwhelming need to have him be with me, here on earth. 

Lately this feeling of not being able to wrap my head around the fact that he is dead, seriously dead, where I will never feel him while I am here on this planet has gotten me into a new low.  I think up until recently I have kept my head above water by thinking somehow I was going to deal with this empty life.  I would keep myself busy enough or I could at least deal with it until the natural flow came around and took me too.  Now I am really suffering when I hit bottom because I find no bottom. 

I do think there is another field we enter when we "die" and I cannot help but think that I will be engaged again with my husband.  It was what made us soulmates here that has kept me so tied to him even though he is "dead", because my life is really going on, but I am just existing.  It is so difficult to keep my head in a place where I can keep believing that I am going to be with him again even though I too receive what I would call signs or signals that he is helping guide me still.  

So technically I cannot believe there is some "being" that is calling the shots from some designated safe space none of us can question.  Nothing spiritual could be so cruel.  I am not suffering to prove some point that sin or some other reason is why I (and so many others) are having to constantly fight to cope with our anguish.  

Jen, you're right, our beloveds have to hear us.  And yes, my husband would not have lasted two weeks.  And Cheyenne probably the only reason I haven't ended it is because if my energy is somehow misdirected because I make the decision to end my life prematurely and that prevents me from hooking up with my husband’s energy then I will suffer forever.  I guess I will have to see how long this old body will hold out because the stress is great and I know how the stress has taken huge toll on my body.  

Look at Richard, listen to Mel, Stewart, JohnT and Bluebird....Notes from LindaE , Trina, AnneJ and Michael Thompson.  Who knows what happened to George and Hilary Christine, and for those who are in the earlier years of greif like Maxey and Nancy and Ellyn and all the others I haven’t mentioned who might have gone silent here but still suffer alone.  No one deserve this kind of suffering.  Not for any reason. 

I can only hope my time gets shorter with each rain shower that flows from my eyes because the agony of this is simply unbearable. 

Comment by JenShep on October 25, 2017 at 5:46pm

Cheyenne,

When I first came to this site I was also surprised to see so many people who feel the same way. I was hoping to find some people who had figured out how to move forward and feel okay but that's really not the case. And then I found some comfort in knowing that there is a group of people who understand so well how I feel. Hopefully you will find some comfort here too.

I felt compelled to write because of your saying that you are an atheist and you don't believe you will be reunited with your husband. When Tom died (a year ago on Oct 16th) I was also a pretty fierce atheist. And Tom and I had always said that if one of us died, the other would kill themselves. But I, unlike him, don't make rash decisions. I think he would have done it. (And I feel guilty that I haven't.) I tend to research a lot. I decided that I should find out what I can about people who have survived suicide attempts and what they had experienced and so on. I also happened to have a couple of sort-of paranormal experiences including a partial out-of-body-experience (crazy considering I would think anyone who told this to me was crazy!) which made me start reading everything I could get my hands on regarding a possible afterlife and made me feel pretty strongly that consciousness can exist outside of a physical body. I know this probably sounds really out there. But, I really did start where you are. My religion was science. I believed that people who believe in God just do it to make themselves feel better about death or because their parents taught them to etc. I'm not saying I believe in God now. But I found a lot of comfort in reading and learning all I can and opening my mind to other possibilities plus trying to figure out how to connect with Tom. Maybe you would find some comfort in reading about this kind of thing too. I don't know. Sometimes I've had such amazing signs that I think there's no way Tom doesn't hear me. He HAS to hear me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think there is a chance that you could be reunited with your husband. I still want to die too. But there's some peace in thinking that there's a chance I will see Tom again and maybe you'll explore that idea and find some peace too. 

Comment by Elynn m on October 25, 2017 at 4:16pm

Jennifer, there is really nothing you can do about family and friends who say they know what you are going through.   We both know that they can't possibly feel what we feel until it happens.   I just remind them to tell each other how much they appreciate one another "while there is still time" !   That usually makes them stop talking and think!

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 25, 2017 at 4:03pm

Hi Cheyenne,

I felt just you did when my Husband died from cancer, it has now been almost 5 years, I still see a therapist because I just can't let go. Time only makes you deal with life, but I will never get over losing him.

Comment by Cheyenne Steffen on October 24, 2017 at 11:31pm

I'm surprised to see so many on here who feel the same way I do. I want to die rather than continue without my husband. He died on Oct. 6th 2017. I know my grief is raw and it's early in the process... but I still feel that way.
I'm atheist so I don't believe I'll be reunited with my husband. If I did I wouldn't hesitate for a second. Truly I'm trying to understand why I'm hesitating now. Every instinct is telling me to end it. I cannot go on feeling this way as I have a chronic illness and this stress will send me into flare up again. I miss him so much. I can barely breathe.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 16, 2017 at 7:27am

Morgan,

I feel the same as you it has been 4 years 3 months my wonderful husband died. I wish God would just take me. All I am is a zombie walking around in this hell.

Linda

  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 16, 2017 at 4:46am

"All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better." Morgan's words, simple yet so profound, fully and completely describes the emotions, feelings, thoughts and prayers of so many of us on this site. After a little over three years after the loss of my darling husband Joseph, not a day goes by when the first thought in the morning is not "How much longer? How much longer before I will be reunited with Joseph?" Then I start my day (which is very late) and trudge through the day aimlessly, do this, do that, nothing, nothing fulfills me. It's just going through the motions; since I am alive, I eat, I pay the bills, I watch TV, I sometimes go out, and when doing all this I am filled with the consciousness of the purposelessness of it all. All this is so futile and meaningless! And yes, life sucks, big time. None of us deserve this hell on earth. We have not done anything to be living in this hell, and indefinitely. Oh, how long, how long before it all ends? All of you here. morgan, Bluebird, Nancy, Paul, Alice, and Lost without Him, please take comfort in the thought that sooner or later, our time WILL COME. The question is WHEN? Hang in there, all of you kindred spirits! Sending you love and hugs, Trina

Comment by morgan on October 15, 2017 at 9:31pm

Bluebird,  I find myself wanting to kick over tables or throw something hard at times and yet my old catholic upbringing kicks in and disallows me to act out but I get the same feelings.  In the beginning I used to kick a cardboard box a lot.  It helped.

What I find so unreal is that we all seem to have the same kinds of reactions and we all try to cope with the feelings but there also seems to be no end in sight to the constant reoccurrence of the pain we endure when our thoughts move to how much we miss our beloved.  

I have been able to suppress my emotions a bit better as time passes and I am able to interact a little bit better on a daily basis when i go buy groceries or have to talk with someone I don't know but in general I stay clear of everything and everyone and hope everyday that my body will give out soon.  It seems to be the only way that this void will disappear.  

I admit coming up on five years in a couple months I can function outside of my bed (which most often is where I prefer to stay) but having to figure out how to make a living at my age as well as with my inability to focus I am forcing myself constantly to perform.   For years I couldn't do anything.  Now I can at least walk around and get things done but only because I have to, not because I want to.

All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better.

Comment by Nancy on October 15, 2017 at 5:52pm

I'm the same way bluebird

Comment by bluebird on October 15, 2017 at 5:41pm

And along with being incredibly sad all the time, I am also very angry, all the time.  Right now I want to jump out of my fucking skin, I want to punch everything, I want to yell and scream. I can't even contain this level of anger; it's overwhelming.  Between the sadness and the anger, there's nothing left of me.

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