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Comment by Nancy on December 28, 2017 at 8:43pm

I agree with you all.  I too keep thinking Dale will return or contact me somehow.  Our 44th Anniversary is tomorrow.  I'm starting to really wonder if there is anything after life on earth.....I hate to say that but I've had no real signs like some others mention.  I read several books on the topic and some are really bizarre.  I hope I'm wrong.  I just am like JenShep where I feel like I'm running a marathon.  He passed in May.  I can't quite believe it yet.

Comment by Paul on December 28, 2017 at 8:36pm

morgan and JenShep,

Both of your comments really hit home with me. There is seemingly no way out of this relentless hell.

Comment by JenShep on December 28, 2017 at 6:39pm

I'm so sorry Morgan. I think I feel just like you do. I think there's a part of my brain that thinks that Tom is coming back or that I will get to be with him soon. But that never comes. And it's like running a never ending marathon. When will this end? How long can I continue like this? I also ask for help... into the thin air. From Tom. From my spirit guides?? (I don't know if I have them but some people seem to.) The problem is that nothing can help except being reunited with our loves. I ask: Haven't I learned my lessons here on earth yet? Can't I go yet? How much longer? I don't know what to do with myself. I am in so much pain that I think it will kill me but it doesn't. And I wish it would. My ball and chain is that I am constantly trying to remember everything, to not let him go. I beat myself up for not being able to connect with him, to hear him, for not trying enough. I feel like I should be able to get my brain to open up to him, wherever he is. I also beat myself up for not being able to appreciate life without him. It must be a lesson I'm supposed to learn but I can't seem to get it. I existed before I knew him and I was fine. But I also didn't know the love and happiness that I knew with him. I also hadn't seen the pain and suffering I saw him go through. I just turned 44. I wish I were old so there wouldn't be too many years left of this nightmare. God, there could be 50 more. It's unfathomable. I want to take my life but I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm rambling. I'm sorry I can't offer much help except to say that I think I understand and that you're not alone. And that I hate to think of you or anyone else feeling this way because it is hell. I wish better for all of us. 

Comment by morgan on December 28, 2017 at 3:15pm

Another morning, another breakdown.  I can only continue to reach out to anyone who will listen how impossible it is to live.  I had a life with my husband and now without.  I am trying my best to tie up the loose ends of what our life was together after 35 years and it has taken me this long to get close.  But I am running out of steam. I feel like I am on the cusp of my own death (wishful thinking probably).  

No matter who and how often I reach out to ask for some kind of help, some kind of relief from "remembering" so I can function without breaking down I cannot get the relief I need.  I do things to distraction but no matter what I do I cannot find peace.  My life was just too dependent on his essence.  I am simply unable to extricate myself from my former universe to my "todays" universe.  It's like I am floating.  I have moved to two different states since he died and nowhere have I felt like I belonged.  Or like anyone I saw was familiar to me.  I am in the twilight zone.  

This Xmas has been particularly hard and I don't know why.  I just know the memories of taking him to the hospital and then remembering what happened every day is devouring me.  I have until Jan 21st to live through this and in the meantime, my immune system is kicking the rheumatoid arthritis into overdrive.  To add to the grief, I am getting more and more crippled.

I have the one person who promised my husband he would look after me if something happened to him who has been my guardian angel and he does his best but he understands as most others don't that I am slowly dying.  Yes, slowly dying.  He has tried to channel my husband by listening and offering sympathy while at the same time encouraging me not to take my life but it gets harder by the day. I feel like I am on some kind of cusp.  I need to rewrite my will and yet I don't know what to do with "things".  It's a ridiculous thing to even have to think about because things don't matter at all but then all I want to do is honor all the hard work we both put into living.  It's like a constant ball and chain I have to drag around.

All I do when I do breakdown is ask for help.  I ask to the thin air......help me.  I ask my husband to please come get me.  Can’t you see how I am suffering.  Why are you leaving me behind?  I cannot imagine living for years.  Forget that I made it this far.  The thought of having to do this for another decade, another year is so haunting.  I can’t swallow that thought.  And the longer this goes on the more I ask for death.  

Sorry this is such a downer post to all those who come here looking for hope.  I know there are some here who can offer that hope.  Unfortunately, I am not the one to turn to.  I am barely hanging on.  Yes, I function better in my daily life by being able to shower and eat and sleep erratically and at least I am doing it as opposed to lying in a fetal position, clutching his box of ashes unable to move for the first six months or so but I am not doing it well.  Even though back then I also got up and functioned, the big time grief seems to all be coming back in spades.  I know there is no real help for me personally as I will always remember the man who changed my life.  The man who loved me no matter what. The man who is now gone and I have no idea where he is or how he is.  It's just too much to try and live with these thoughts.  I am wasting away.  

 

Comment by Dawn W on December 19, 2017 at 7:32pm

Stewart

thank you

you give me hope..and a little more strength

dawn

Comment by Susan K on December 19, 2017 at 3:09pm

Thank you Stewart. I have been on this site for ten months , I lost my husband to cancer, he was 50 and healthy one month and dying the next...It has been a wretched ten months. I miss my husband and our life together so much it physically hurts but I also have come to the realization that I miss me, I miss the way I was...Why I thank you is that you give me hope that I will find me again...I know it may be still a ways off but I have hope...I know I must endure living without my first choice but you are right life goes on...I have been putting off going to the bereavement group but I think after the Holidays I may go to my first meeting...thanks for sharing! God Bless! Susan

Comment by stewart p on December 19, 2017 at 1:06pm

I’d like to just to jump back on here for a moment share a little bit, because I care about all of those here who I share a unique bond with.  I realize some may disagree while someone else might gain some renewed hope or encouragement from our shared experiences.  I’ve posted many times before online here over the last 5 years since my wife died on my frickin kitchen floor in the middle of the night unexpected due to doctor malpractice at the young age of 53 with two teenagers at home It was a horrific image that has been etched into my mind forever.  And any of you on here who may have seen  a post or two of mine in the past might know what it was like for me those following years, not different than anyone else here.  Spending countless days, weeks months not hours sitting inside alone, watching anything yet nothing on tv, playing solitaire through dozens of sleepless nights.  The loneliness, fear, regret, sadness and depression tormenting be almost daily.  The tears that poured endlessly.  5 years of my life gone not to mention the 5 before that taking care of woman becoming ever increasing ill and disabled and only I seemed to be able to notice but since I wasn’t an MD professional my opinions mattered less.  My kids, my professional life everything reduced nearly to rubble in the process.  But somewhere in there I nourished and fed my faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and while I while this is not a religious rant I have to credit his word with giving me a reason to hold on and hope for something better in spite of the many nights I wished for my own demise so that the torment would end.  I also set about writing down or journaling my thoughts, hopes, fears, everything.  22 or in all I completed.  I wrote down things I think I would like to do, then rewrote them again and again and again.  And I set due dates to do certain of these tasks and as those due dates came and went and I remained with in my house insulated from the world around me I rewrite those dates.  Well after a couple of years I actually started to do a little this, a little that. Not always and with plenty of missed due dates and more than not revisions to my “goals” or wishes/plans.  But I kept at it and those first two years I also went to weekly bereavement group, had I not I think I would of simply walked out in front of a speeding truck.  That gave me sooooo much strength, just to have a small group that I knew if nothing else would be there for me and they knew exactly what I was going through because they too each were feeling the same pain.  That helped a lot, didn’t make the pain of this loss disappear but it helped me open my eyes a little wider every morning those first couple of years.  So returning to what I was saying here, I started getting out more, didn’t want to, usually didn’t enjoy it much if at all, and found something wrong with just about everyone and anything.  Felt a great deal of anxiety, was fearful, and all those negative things. 

Comment by stewart p on December 19, 2017 at 1:06pm

BUT, I kept making myself do it, exercising, going for walks, bike rides, take the dog to the park, eventually began speaking before groups, found a new job I like and next month I will begin taking dance lessons.  Ive also met a very nice friend who I enjoy visiting with regularly and actually makes me smile spending time with.  I went through as much hell as hurt as anyone, and I remember some saying there is light on the other side given time and if we keep searching.  I heard the words but I was certain that would not be my story.  Well life goes on and people die, we all will die and experience like this just thrusts it in our face.  Once we begin to grasp that fact and begin to accept it there is a whole new part of life opening up .  For me each moment I connect with another human brings a tear to my eye because I have reverence for how delicate that moment is.  No longer do I take others as granted as I may have once, or the opportunities’ I’m given each day God willing to connect with someone.  I don’t fret or worry over the material world, find solace in gaining wisdom, place my trust and faith in God that all things will work for a greater plan, love and miss my wife forever and ever, and accept the way things are, begin to embrace not just accept, develop a plan and start working toward it to make my earthly existence better, smile more, talk to others, appreciate the moments we have because we here all know to well how they are gone, and sometimes we will smile even laugh again, but not like before because today I can laugh or smile and still cry at the same time.  Bless everyone I hope you find peace, and maybe some joy because I know the darkness that’s still there for some of you.  BUT there is some light out there, believe it.

Comment by bluebird on December 14, 2017 at 10:33pm

((((((morgan))))))

Comment by morgan on December 14, 2017 at 9:15pm

Paul, Each of us have memories of a time and day of the death of our beloved.  Mine just happened to come at a time of the year when normally the excesses of celebrating kick into high gear.  Not better not worse than anyone else's just crappy no matter for any of us but i appreciate  the sentiment. I always think about Bluebird when this kind of subject is talked about.  Talk about shitty timing.  I feel for her like you feel for me but for none of us was the time "right".  

And look at Alice.  Jesus, Alice.  How do you bear it?  I know I am not bearing it very well and I have given up really trying to do so.  I am retreating now and have been since Thanksgiving.  I build a wall until at least the end of January and heaven help anyone who gets too near me or tries to make me feel better.  

As I sit here writing this the news is broadcasting the names of all the children killed at Sandy Hook.  Five years today.  How is this "death" possible?

Nothing prepares us for death.  Sadness pervades every fiber of our being for the rest of our days when we lose our spouses if we had the kind for relationship that many of us on here have had.  There is a woman here where I live who just lost her husband in September and I didnt know about it until just three weeks ago and she had gone out of town.  Now I am trying to help her or at least bring some words of understanding to her as we are both in an emotional void.  I have been sick for a couple days though and didnt get out but having someone close by is like having everyone on here.  A spirit that really understands the hurt and the pain of losing the person who was such an intimate part of our own being.

I know I have gone through stages in this grief but the one thing that never changes.......I remember him every second of every day and I will till the day I die.  Its not that I am worried about forgetting him it's that I constantly remember him and it affects every single thing I do.  Its just so hard. 

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