Comment

Comment by stewart p on December 30, 2017 at 7:02pm

Ive spent the last few years forcing myself to get up, get out and get going and nothing I do will "make it better".  It is what it is and Ive come to realize the only thing I can do is change how I deal with it.  Its a new a way of life for me, one that tore out part of my soul and my heart that fateful evening nearly 5 years ago and has left me forever changed.  Living with it is just a part of who I am today, the sadness, the missing, the tears all of it.  At the same time its changed me little by little and helped me be a gentler, more open and genuine person with those I come into contact with and they more often than not notice it.  And when it comes up in conversation I get to tell them about why and how and my wife and in that process its as though Im honoring and feeding the memory of her, keeping it alive as it were.  If the roles had been reversed I wouldnt have wanted my wife to stop living and I dont think she would of wanted the same for me.  We're all marching through tough times, all at a different pace but I believe I must, I have to keep the faith and each day continue despite the diffiuctly of puting one foot in front of the other.  There are many days when I count my days and look forward to not having to do any more longer, but then when I do and I encounter others throughout my day, so often a part of my wife now follows through with those encounters as a part of me, if that makes sense.  For me I have to keep going now because its my small way of keeping her memory alive and sharing her beautiful soul with others.  I hope some of you will find the strength and faith to try no matter how hard or hopeless it seems at times as it has so often for me.

Comment by Mel Royer on December 30, 2017 at 4:22pm

Morgan is indeed eloquent...I also often think of a song written by Leonard Cohen which works quite well in the context of our misery and our desperate searching to be rid of it. .  "Then draw us near and bind us tight....all your children here in our rags of light. In our rags of light..all dressed to kill and end this night...If it be your will".  

Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2017 at 3:47pm

morgan,

If I haven't said it before, I want to say it now -- you are quite eloquent.  When my husband died I wrote some poems about him, about us, about his death (I could feel them in me, and I knew I was not likely to write again once that urgent feeling had passed).  It's one of the only things that helped even a tiny bit.  Have you considered writing something? If not poems, perhaps a journal or a memoir.  

This website has been something of a lifeline for me as well, especially in the beginning, and you are one of the people who has helped me feel that way, as you and I have been hit the same way by the death of our husbands.

And to anyone who reads and/or posts, those in the "little boxes in the columns off to the side", as morgan said -- I want to second what she said about people not responding to everyone because our energy is limited. I know that is true of me.

Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2017 at 3:38pm

Alice, you are definitely not the only one. I try to comment on people's posts when I see that they feel much like I do, and/or when it's been a while since they posted and no one else has commented.  I try to make it clear that the way my beloved's death affects me is not necessarily the way a similar death affects everyone, that some people want to and are able to find some happiness or peace in life.

It's a difficult line to walk.  I feel that it's important to let those people who are devastated by their spouse/partner's death and feel that they always will be, that they are not alone in feeling that way, and sometimes that is how it is; at the same time, it's also important to not discourage those who feel that they may be able to still live and do something with their lives and be happy.  I generally try to state that there are people on this site who can give them that sort of support, because there are (I'm just not one of them).

I think both experiences are valid (and anything in between), and it's important that both views are expressed here, both for those expressing those views and for those who read here (and may or may not actually comment) possibly hoping that they will find other people who feel as they do.

Comment by morgan on December 30, 2017 at 3:20pm

oops. hit button accidentally. Alice,  I know this time of year particularly tonight will be a devastating memory for you.  Kind of like what Christmas Eve Day and the day after Xmas is for me. The beginning of an end. And I still cannot stop remembering the painful end.  I also cannot stop remembering the joyous days.  I just realize its not about me forgetting that's the problem, its that I keep remembering. And when I am not trying to distract myself and my thoughts take center stage the memories of the two of us together in good times or bad, just plow me under.  

The faces of grief have changed.  From day one to today I have watched myself from an intellectual space, go ballistic on an emotional level.  No matter how hard I try nor how much I can wax philosophical about life and death his essence has been embedded in me and there is no way to ease the assault that it takes on my senses.  My immune system is now taking over and I am watching as I deteriorate but that is ok.  In fact it is welcome except for the pain and the aloneness.  But i think I prefer it to having to stay around for long.

Its like now I MUST go through a cry every morning.  Before it was  every night.  Of course that is along with other times that it sneaks up and pounds me for some other reason.  Can be anywhere, anytime.  Almost the same as it was from day one.  I remember in the first couple weeks having to go buy groceries and ending up with my face plastered into a corner of the freezer aisle just bawling my eyes out.  I've gotten better at grocery shopping but other places now take that place.

Thats why I say the faces of grief have changed....Some older places and faces don't trigger me as much but it hasn't really stopped.......bottom line is I cannot get over his death.  I cant make it any better.  

So when 10 pm comes tonight I will be thinking of you and how hard it is going to be for you to remember and how I wish for all of us that this "death" thing was anything else but what it is.  I wonder what has happened to so many of the people who have come here.  George, Mel, Michael Thompson, Tildyc, John T, rina, Anne J, Richard, Hilary Christine, and all the other names of people whose lives are quieted by death.  I know they are out there I just wonder how they are doing.  

I have used this website as a lifeline.  I feel like I can come here and just lay myself bare and not be lectured or judged but just understood.  Its my one way of treating my "disease".  I too don't like to tell the newest members of this site how its been for me in the hopes it will be different for them as we all cope in different ways.  But I thank those who can help me understand I am not alone in my feelings.

And to anyone in those little boxes in the columns off to the side that appear on a regular basis.  You are heard and though we might not respond to each of you its only because our energy is limited.  Its everything we can do, many of us, just to stay afloat.  May all of you find some amount of time where the memories of your love bring you closer to them somehow in some way.  I'll try too.

Comment by Paul on December 30, 2017 at 2:57pm

Alice,

You should not feel at all guilty for expressing your true feelings. You, I and the others here have been cruelly and unwillingly put in this, our worst nightmares come true, without any foolproof way to cope with it.

Comment by morgan on December 30, 2017 at 2:43pm

Alice

Comment by stewart p on December 30, 2017 at 1:52pm

I'm trying dancing lessons for a few months, always thought it would be neat and I cant dance worth 2 cents, for now.  If nothing else it helps keep me busy, distracted and finding something different to do, otherwise its too easy to sit here and continually sink further into missing my wife.  Not trying to "forget", but I find it helps when Im busy sometimes with things besides just work or the dishes.  I dont know about any of you but the things I do Im do with her, its just she's in my heart now more than ever and not standing beside me, but Im not going to let her down.  Anyway, Im done tearing up now, time to go outside and smile about something

Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2017 at 10:32am

Adding my voice to this sad chorus.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 30, 2017 at 5:41am

Morgan,

I feel the same as you. As 2018 is approaching it's just another year of misery and closer to joining him.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 78
• 79
• 80
• 81
• 82
• …
• 339
• Next ›
• Page