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Comment by M Adams on January 5, 2018 at 6:29pm

Stewart, thank you -- you're saying exactly what I've been feeling, and just hearing it really helps.  It's like I don't want to not have the pain of bereavement, but I know that sounds weird and self indulgent, and it's more complicated than that.  You express the strange mixed feelings perfectly.

Comment by stewart p on January 5, 2018 at 6:10pm

Maxey, you description of a sailboat adrift in the sea describes how i feel everyday.  You said something that caught my eye when you mentioned "trying to fill the void".  May I suggest to stop trying to fill the void and begin accepting that it is here to stay and just a part of life now?  Ive just started accepting it more as the years roll by because otherwise there was no relief, well actually I didnt have a choice because I couldnt leave this life (we have 2 kids) and after trying to "get back to normal" which didnt work I thought Id try another way of looking at it.  And now its like what can I do with this horrible pain I felt nearly every day and that is when I started feeling ok with it as strange as that may seem.  Well not ok, but you know what I mean I think.  I dont think the pain ever goes away, I just got use to it and then started to try to use it, how that looks like down the road  I have no idea and is probably different for everyone, but there is something there that we cant let go I feel like because if I do than Im letting go of the one I loved.  Thats just my 2 cents for now, who knows how Ill feel next week, month or year right?  Just trying to get by one day at a time

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 5, 2018 at 2:12pm

Maxy,

I have complicated grief and my Psychotherapist told me that is no pill for it.

It won't stop until I die. 

Comment by Maxey on January 5, 2018 at 1:05pm

When I read that some have gone through this pain of loss for 5 years, I think that I cannot make it that long. I feel like a sailboat out in the ocean and there is no wind. I am adrift with no where to go, no where I want to go, alone, and lonely. Sometimes I feel the ache of the loss of my husband so much that I have to catch my breath.  

There was never anyone who could take his place; he loved me so unconditioningly.  I could be myself and totally relaxed and at peace with him.  I don’t know how to continue on without this love in my life.

I read that some people have “complicated grief” which does not seem to resolve itself. I think I am one of those people!  

I ask myself if it is because I am weak, and this amazes me since I have always been such a strong, positive person. This loss has stripped me bare of my confidence and will to go on.  I have tried grief groups, volunteering, and a part time job - none have filled the void.  I come home to an empty house that seems like a barren desert. 

I wish there was a pill that could make my life better for just a while; the peace would be so welcome since I feel so badly all the time.

Comment by Edward L on December 31, 2017 at 10:22am

Hi everyone.  I lost the love of my life Sandy 6 days ago on Christmas night suddenly. One moment we were laughing and singing and dancing ,the next she was gone. Its been hell for me. Even with all the people surrounding me i feel lost and alone. But i want to share a couple of things with you all and i hope it will help. Sandy gave me a amazon alexa for  my present. After setting it up and playing with it . Sandy leaned into the living room and said play Chris Stapleton. Millionaire began to play and she began to sing for me. I lost her that night. I wanted to put some pictures to music and what a fitting song that would be. I went to walmart to the cd section. There alone by its self was the cd. I picked it up and there the first song  was millionaire. Ive tried to hold it together until last night. I said to my self i cant go on . I cant do this without her. At this point i havent been home. I was driving aimlessly for hours. When millionaire came on the radio. I decided to go home. When i got home and i saw the mail was there and noticed a card. Here we go i said here comes the sympathy cards. I opened it up to find it was from the donor organization. There on the top of the card a huge sunflower. Sunflowers are all over our house. It was her favorite flower. A calm peace came over me and the pieces started to come together. From walmart buying that cd to the card. Sandy has been behind me guiding me somehow. Dont overlook the smallest of signs. Embrace them. I feel for all of you. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 31, 2017 at 6:01am

To all on this forum. This is what keeps me going.

 God Bless you all, Linda.

Comment by Debbie brisky on December 31, 2017 at 4:46am

I just lost my husband on Dec 27; he was 54 years old. I have no idea how I am going to do this. I literally have a different emotion every single hour and the pain is too much to endure. Sleep is hard, and right now I feel nothing, nothing at all. I don’t want to be alone but everyone is annoying the hell out of me. I feel like I want to die but I know I have to go forward for my children. But I have no idea how, how in the world do I do this. My cheerleader is gone. My husband was my world. I own my own company and i can’t muster the energy or clarity to start working even though I am now the only income coming in. I simply want to curl up in a ball and just hide. How do I do this?

Comment by JenShep on December 30, 2017 at 8:25pm

Stewart, you give me hope. I am one of those who came here so discouraged to find that most everyone is still wanting to die - even several years after losing the love of their lives. I now find it comforting that I am not crazy. So many people think that after a year I should be fine and since I'm not maybe there's something wrong with me. I think that, like all of you, I am different but not crazy... I'm more bonded to my love, more sensitive, more in love, more loyal, etc. etc. I know others who are married to someone else within a year of losing their spouse. I'm just not made that way. And it helps to find there are others like me. But I do really love hearing something positive too - and you offer that to us Stewart. So, thank you.

Comment by morgan on December 30, 2017 at 8:06pm

 

I worry at times that I come through with too much pain but I also have tried to make it clear as Bluebird here has just posted that grief is different for everyone.  We all cope with what tools and techniques we have to try and honor our love.  I also tend not to divulge too much as it would seem as though I have had some kind of paved road to get to where I am.  I actually think I have stretched to stay afloat, all the while to outsiders it looks as though I have made major progress.  Doesn’t feel that way.  

I feel so very isolated no matter how much I try to engage with people.  I do it so it doesn’t seem like I am a snob but the fact is I want to be a recluse.  I don't like being fake and pretending that I am in some sort of happy place. It makes me feel guiltier.  

I take a great deal away from each post I read here, which at times makes me strive to do more with my feelings but the truth always filters back into my reality.  And as Mel who has been an honest broker of his truth has pointed out a song by LC I read his words and the song strips away all the tangible things that are important to me on a regular day and leaves me bare, facing the magnitude of life and death.  

I find myself in a constant battle with my brain winning over my reality on a regular basis.  I have used my study of physics to expand my vision to a day when this yoke of a static life and an unending questionable future will be lifted and I will reunite with the force that made me whole.  The interim is just some kind of deep water I am treading to get to the shore.

Everyone here has an immense amount to contribute and I am grateful that you are here for me.

Comment by Nancy on December 30, 2017 at 7:12pm

Thank you Stewart.  Made me feel better to read your words. 

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