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Comment by Nancy on March 11, 2018 at 12:27pm

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 9, 2018 at 12:09pm

Morgan I hear you and feel the same about my relationship with my husband. I am cut adrift from the intertwing of our souls and live with such deep pain I cannot cry I wish I could

Comment by morgan on March 9, 2018 at 11:58am

Linda,  I too have tried so hard to live without my husband but so many things still trip me up.  And for so many of the years I kept thinking that somehow I would find a way to have less of the "missing" and more of the "living".  We had a very close, intense relationship.  It was not a marriage of mutual acceptance it was a marriage of deep intertwining of our spirits.  I think there are couples who have what we had whether they had a short time together or a long time.  It wasn't convenience but passion that bound us together.  And I don't mean just physicality.  Similar likes, beliefs and a zest for life whether we always agreed or not we lived it deeply.  Sometimes there is the kind of soul connection that prevails on our brain and wont let go no matter how hard we try to rewire it to live again.  

I don't do religious faith anymore because my childhood catholic atonement messaging has done enough damage.  I struggle with feeling guilty at times and I know where that comes from.  Religion  (for me) carries way too much baggage.  I have tried to tough out the mental pain of this feeling of abandonment using crying as my relief valve rather than drugs.   I am an old zen styled holistic person and think I need to "feel" what my brain is telling me so I have steered away from the antidepressants etc.  Not that it may not have helped, I just chose the whole experience.  Of course that has led to some major physical complications after this long of having my neural network assaulted but I needed to not put any barriers between me and what I thought I needed to "feel".  Just me.

As a result of the above I have, like you, moved further and further away from engaging with mostly everyone. Self protection.   I have one person who continues to slog through this with me and gives me phone time on a daily basis and who knows who I was when I was part of a couple and empathizes with my struggles.  Then I have a few other people  (maybe four)who are in my life but will never be able to relate totally but they have tried to be helpful.

What I find is I am now functioning better but the emotional impact of my husbands death is like a slow growing cancer.  I am slowly dying.  How quickly the mental pain of living without him will kill me is anyone's guess but the actual pain is real and it isn't going away.  And its not a "depressive" reaction.  Its what happens to anyone whose atoms have been entangled on a primal level.  Something in this universe will not allow me to uncouple enough to stop having moments of complete collapse.  And they get worse in a way I cant even explain.  All along I have been trying to "explain" to myself but now I have to accept that there is no other way than the way I am living now that will "heal" me.  Its why I stay away from most of life and choose only when and what I am going to do to still pay bills and have some interaction on a level where I can still use part of my brain so I don't go completely stir crazy.

Its a fine damn line......I walk on eggshells.  I never know what or when I am going to start digging into my hole.  And my hole is crying.   Crying like I never thought possible.  Its the only way I can get the pain out of my system.  But going from one crying spell to another is how I now live.  I plan how I live around trying not to cry, not trying to live.  But I know that the crying is my drug of choice.  It is how my body and brain is trying to express the deepness of his absence.

Anyhow I have rambled on enough..............I see myself giving up and being more determined to push any button that might bring a quicker end.......And you have it right........it is what it is......it just is........

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 9, 2018 at 6:07am

Hello Friends,

I am still broken after 5 years and cannot fix myself. I have tried everything I can think of to live life without my Husband, I give up, just going to spend my live alone as I do not fit in the world anymore. It is what it is. 

Comment by JenShep on March 8, 2018 at 10:19pm

Morgan,

The only thing that keeps me here is thinking about how much my mom would suffer if I were gone AND the idea that I would have to come back in a next life and go through this again. I can't imagine having to do this again in another life. That would mean that this year and a half of suffering was for nothing. I need answers. I think I need to buckle down and try harder to connect with Tom. Or to figure out why I'm still here. If all of these ideas are wrong and it's really just "lights out" when you die, then I'm with you - leaning towards tying up my affairs and taking the step I've also considered since day 1. But I think I need to do more research first lol. (Is this just my survival instinct kicking in?) I just wonder if maybe you could focus on something similar - if maybe that would help you a bit? What if we can learn to communicate with our loves somehow? (That would be amazing.) I know you've been at this for a long time. And I don't blame you for thinking the way you're thinking. I totally feel the same way. Just trying to find something that might be helpful to both of us...

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 8, 2018 at 2:24pm

Couldn't agree with you more Alice. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 4, 2018 at 5:16am

Morgan,

Your post was awesome, the only thing keeping me alive is that if I take my own life my family will suffer and my religion taught me you will not be joined again with my Husband, if I do. I too feel on some days that I am going to go insane with grief.

Comment by Nancy on March 3, 2018 at 3:11pm

I believe like you do Morgan. Somehow I will connect with my husband again.  I have to believe that or I too will go mad.

Comment by morgan on March 3, 2018 at 2:26pm

To Debbie and Becky and Gayle, Jennifer, Heather, Julie, Joe, Teresa, to the other Heather, Amanda, Joey, Dana, Renee, Kristin, and Elizabeth who have lost their spouse/partner. I watch as names appear on the community board when death has taken a piece of life and we try to go on. Each of us are reaching out trying to make sense of what has happened. Each of us are wondering how to reconstruct what we thought we had built and now it’s looking a lot like rubble. Each of us wants an answer. Some look to a godlike figure. Some can find help with counseling. Some have family or friends that provide support. Personally, I don’t see the rationale of a god. But I do feel there is something bigger going on that in our small little spot in this universe we are creating a ripple in the vibrations of the energy in the bigger expanse and I have to believe that the link we made with our spouse and their energy while we were together here we will somehow be linked up again. I have to believe that or I would go mad. That somehow the connections we are making while we are trying to reconstruct our smashed up small little world are part of some wider wave of the next step we take in reconnecting with our love. In my better moments that’s what I try to tell myself. In the not so great moments of which we all have surrendered ourselves to the most excruciatingly painful downhill slide into misery I barely breathe. I cry and cry and wish for the pain to stop.
This is a very different life than I had. For each of us the brain waves that change from one moment to the next take control of us. I used to think I made decisions. Now I am not so sure. I’m not so sure I am not fulfilling some sort of a contract with the universe and that this suffering is playing my bit part in some overall scheme of how we all live and die.
Look at cancers…..what are they? Why are they? ……..Look at the number of overdoses……the killings……car accidents…….health problems…..and suicide….. what is all this? What is it about how we die? And how those left behind are supposed to live?
I never thought too much about it before my own husband died and maybe there was a reason for that. Of course, I would not have changed a thing because I loved him that much. But how am I supposed to live now?
I’ve been asking myself that for years. To those who are just joining this website and those yet to come (because we know there will be more) I can only say I take it one day at a time. Sometimes barely one hour at a time and I grit my teeth and bear it the best I can. Sometimes I do better at it than others. I read a lot about the universe and what science has discovered and I try to connect to a more metaphysical space in my own head. Other than that, its hit or miss.
I don’t really want to say “welcome” to those I wrote this to but I will say we all feel your pain. What would be nice is if society at large would begin to recognize we are the walking wounded. Just a small acknowledgement that this is a ridiculously hard place to be and to accept us as we are. Sending out small points of energy to each of us to help us along in our unseen pain……..take care the best you can.

Comment by morgan on March 3, 2018 at 1:40pm

JenShep,
It reaffirms my mental state to hear someone else say how pathetic they think they are because they can’t seem to live in the present.  To "want" to be in the place of a cancer victim or a nuclear blast.  I can easily admit I have been there saying just that, so many times too.  
Problem is as I have gone through years of this I guess I kept thinking that somehow, some way I would think differently or at least enough to not have to endure the pain of how much I miss him.  I can’t.  Having passed five years of being without him I imagined some kind of change.  And yes, it has changed.  I am leaning towards tying up the affairs I have worked so hard to get in order and really taking the step I have considered since day one.  It's just it’s become a little more cemented in my mind that it is about the only way out of this pretend life I live.  
You could say, well, you've made it this far.....and that’s true.  But this is more than some kind of test of courage and endurance.  Like you, I just have not found a reason to continue the suffering (even if it is less often, which means I can go three days without a breakdown).  I am honest with myself and others. I don't need this pretense.  Because that’s all it is.  I am comporting to what society thinks I should be doing rather than what I want to do.  I want to be dead.  Not because I can’t live, but because my life is empty.  He was the light, I used, to see in the dark.  He was the hand that guided me over the rocks.  He was the only person who really gave a damn about me.  And I’m tired of pretending that anyone else has the time or energy to do the same and I certainly won’t be looking for it anyhow because no one could love me like he did.  I know that too.
So, I write here and work at my projects and talk to the few friends who still care enough to get me and help other people as I can but it’s just not enough.  Maybe that’s a selfish way to look at my blessings but the pain is still so unbearable at times.  I just want it to be over.

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