Comment

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 10, 2018 at 3:57pm

Bluebird,

I sure hope there is a Heaven as I was taught throughout my life, all our suffering will finally end. 

Comment by bluebird on April 9, 2018 at 6:02pm

Same here, joe. I have had some possible signs, but I can never be sure. I fucking hate having to stay alive, with nothing to anchor me or offer anything to me other than the HOPE that I will receive signs, which may or may not be from my husband. 

If there is a god and an afterlife, then if I were god (not that I want to be, at all), I would arrange it so that there was NO doubt about the existence of an afterlife. We would know that our loved ones continue to exist, as themselves, happy, and that we will be with them again soon. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 9, 2018 at 2:43pm

Morgan & Alice,

Since my Husband died 5 years ago, I fear nothing, I don't have anything to fear as I no longer have my Husband, I am the walking dead.

Comment by morgan on April 9, 2018 at 3:28am

Wow, Alice. That was a pretty profound post.  I think I get it.  If I am relating to what you said at all I think I find myself in the same place ......alot.  Fear of overcoming some new challenge....(it used to be an adventure..)...now its torture.  Yes, I fear having to confront or engage in anything that seems an unknown and unfortunately now everything seem to be an unknown (even if I do really know it).  

Example:  I have made several trips in the last six months........flying.  How many times have I flown?  Enough not to be scared or fearful.  And yet three weeks ago I ended up in tears quietly sobbing in my aisle seat.  Another example: My car is broken and I have someone who is helping me buy another one but the whole affair is just one more unknown that sends my fear of not feeling capable, or knowing what next or will my finances hold out or all the other scary things that might happen to me and so I retreat to my hole and ask for the torture to stop. And then when i decide I should just woman-up and get my act together like I would have in the past and did many many times I too end up like I did on the plane.  Expecting myself to face the world bravely and find myself needing assistance while ending up in a puddle of tears.   

Its a brutal way to live.  I met the world square-on before my husbands death.  We met it together.  When one was scared the other picked up the torch.  I did this for 35 years, 24/7.  I knew this man for 55 years.  i knew what to expect, how he would react and how we would do it together.  Now I am alone, old and yes, scared , but not of death.  Thats the only thing that I long for.  I want an out to this complex relationship I have with this thing called life.  Its outpacing my strength, my wisdom, my resilience.  I don't need more of it.  I am tired and I think as your epiphany shines more light on our situation I think we have alot of this  figured out.  Its grief the likes of which we never anticipated we would have to endure when left behind without the person who was the better half of ourselves.  At least thats my take on it and I really have to thank you for your reasoned and introspective post.  I gravitate to ones that are trying to solve the existential crisis that seem to appear for me on a daily basis.  Wisdom like yours is what makes me understand that what is happening to me is not some psychological mumbo jumbo solved by some pedantic prescription .........I need to know I am not crazy........

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on April 8, 2018 at 12:58pm

Dear Beth, if you google Denise Dielwart programme all the info. will come up.

Best Wishes 

Marjorie

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 4, 2018 at 11:35am

Haven't been to doctor since my Husband died 5 years ago and I will no go. I want to die ASAP.

Comment by bluebird on April 3, 2018 at 7:24pm

joe kelly,

No more doctors for me, either. Nothing that will prolong this farcical hell of a "life".

Comment by L.O on April 3, 2018 at 12:33pm

Hi all

Maxey i totally get you i feel lost without my partner, we live together for over 15years and did everything together. Iv recently come back from a holiday as i thought it would do the kids good to get away, it didn't do me any good though as i still came home to a lonely house. I just want to hear his voice and hold him, i felt guilty being away as he should have been there with us what with it being the younger twos first holiday. I cant see the light at the end of this dark tunnel but at the same time i know hed want me to take care of our kids as that was the one thing that he was afraid of, what with happen to them if we weren't here. My heart aches everyday and i find myself crying all the time, i don't even want to go out of the house but force myself to. I hate the silence the night brings when the kids are in bed when really he should be on the sofa talking about football or shouting at the TV for some silly reason, i hate the fact my 14 year old don't leave his room to be the first downstairs to watch telly anymore until he hears me moving about, i hate that he's lost half his friends as he wont leave me in fear of something happening to me too. I hate seeing the sadness in the younger ones eyes knowing i cant make they're pain go away or make it better, iv listened to them cry in their sleep asking for daddy to stay with us, 

People on the outside don't see all this and always comment about how well we are doing, well its easy to put a smile on your face for two minutes

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 30, 2018 at 4:39pm

Hi Nancy,

Thanks, ever year it just gets harder on us.

Comment by Nancy on March 30, 2018 at 10:24am

Very cute picture Linda!  It's so hard to not have them here.  

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