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Comment by morgan on April 13, 2018 at 1:37am

For most of the five plus years I have been enduring the loss of my beloved husband I have tried very hard to see if there was a way to make the pain I cope with "better".  Keeping myself super busy, finally getting up some courage to join a group of interest, keep trying to explain to people close to me how I try to cope, etc etc.  

Now I am angry.  It is a different kind of angry but I'll try to explain.  Because I think I have tried so hard to not give up/give in I have battled the grief I continually thought I was going to find a reason, a way where life would seem less miserable.  

Today I just have given up trying to pretend there is something that is going to help me and all I am is pissed that I am breathing.  I am so angry that because I am breathing I am being forced to participate in a world that I hate.  I have no need for any of this and I get to the point where I talk to the air and tell my husband how pissed I am that he left me back here to have to keep getting through days.  Not because I cant because after five plus years I have proven that I can but because every single day of this grueling task of living I have no desire to be here.  No desire at all.  It doesn't matter what I do.  How things are.  Inevitably during each and every day I am mad that I am being forced to live out this life.  

I continue to attempt to do the things necessary to pay bills and even that, I have decided that I will continue but if I run out of money before I can get something done that I am working on I am just going to throw in the towel.  I don't give a shit anymore.  And when I cry some of he breakdowns are just the worst.  Two days ago I had such a bad one that had my neighbor friend not come by (yes, she called as though my husband had sent her a message that she should call to see what I was doing) I was really in a very bad place.  She talked me through it and I was totally exhausted.  Then the next day I can only wonder to myself how I can go that far down when the next day I am able to get up and at least start on another day.  Whats with this brain?

I read and listen to each of you and hear some here are better able to define how to deal with their grief but most of us I see as flailing around with no answers and wondering what next and how to.  

I am tired and once again it is almost 3am and what do I care?  Why bother with a decent sleep schedule?  Why bother eating well?  Why worry about getting a disease?  I'm so over it all.  Just tired of having to breathe.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on April 12, 2018 at 7:55pm

Marjorie, i will look into this for sure. Thank you.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on April 12, 2018 at 7:53pm

Linda, i understand. Because of our son i work in keeping myself together. My friends don't really understand me. Really don't find anything anymore that makes me feel good. Just like to be left alone. Gid Bless you!

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 12, 2018 at 4:18pm

Hi Beth

I lost my husband 5 years ago to cancer, he had children but we did not so I don't know if my answer is valid to your situation. As for myself, this grieve will never end. It is less painful but my life is not fulfilled, all I live for is join him. 

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on April 12, 2018 at 12:04pm

Beth did you read my message about the online grief relief programme I've just completed with Denise Dielwart? Just google her name. she offers a free telephone call to start you off.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on April 12, 2018 at 10:35am

Been really down past few days. Lost my husband Niv.2015. Realized not getting better. Oh i put on a brave front to outside that i am moving on. No! Stay in alot, cry realize life really stopped day i told the love of my life goodbye. Just am an empty shell. I try when my son visits to be ok. He has had a hard time losing his dad. He is the only one. No groups around to join here. So guess maybe each day i will somday start to go ahead with life. Right now really don't see it or feel it. Just lonley and getting more so i think. When will it get bettet? Maybe never for me.

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 11, 2018 at 6:52am

Hello Wolfman

Welcome back, it really takes a very long time to connect iwth this so called world again.

Comment by W0lfman on April 10, 2018 at 10:37pm

Hello all its been a while since i have been here kinda got lost in the darkness of my grief its been 4 months now since i lost her  and im finally able to pick myself up and at least get back to work keeping busy seems to help a bit but still find myself drifting to my wife.  The lonesomeness of it all is still overwhelming.  Well just stopped in to say hello and i wish everyone the best this is one hard struggle it almost beat me but still taking on day at a time peace to all

  

Comment by bluebird on April 10, 2018 at 9:11pm

Thank you, Alice.

While no one else's experience can prove to me that there is an afterlife, I still do appreciate you sharing that you had a sign that you believe to be proof of an afterlife -- it's not proof to me, but it's still something, especially since you are not in any way being pushy about it or trying to convince others. I'm not phrasing this very well, but I hope you know what I mean. :)

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 10, 2018 at 4:00pm

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