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Comment by morgan on May 5, 2018 at 11:43pm

John T.......havent seen you in awhile.....Isnt it just the "silly" things or like trina mentioned: having to tape up a shipping box that just sends us into that space where the missing just tips us over.  After five years I have gotten better at functioning during a day.  I get through alot of them if I don't interact with people and just work like a madman.  But then the night comes and I sit.  I sit and avoid going to bed because I hate going to an empty bed.  And mornings are just as bad still.  I don't want to have to face the light of day.  

I think the relentless crying and wanting him with me has now morphed into a hatred for everything and an intense desire for how to escape.  I have never found any purpose or reason.  I have grown much more despondent as well as mournful.  Others seem to still think this is just a passing phase.  That time will continue to move along and I will find something that will remove him enough from my memory that I will find joy/happiness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I had a true love....a person who loved me for all my faults and all my strengths.......and I will not ever be happy again until I am back in his arms.....take care the best you can......morgan

Comment by John T. on May 5, 2018 at 9:51pm

Today was the Kentucky Derby and my wife loved it.  On no other day was she interested in horse racing but on this Saturday, she would sit for hours and watch the story of the horses and be entranced.  Lord, such a silly thing for such an intense memory.  I lost her 3 1/2 years ago and the wound never heals.  Not a day goes by that I don't tell her how much I love her and miss her.  I pray she knows.  Today especially.  God bless you all.

Comment by morgan on May 5, 2018 at 8:02pm

Linda,  Five years and we still long for our husbands........Its time for us to go......when will it happen?  Im so sorry you've had to make it this far.......give Baby J a hug from all of us. morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 30, 2018 at 8:53am

Trina,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

God Bess You, Linda 

Comment by JenShep on April 29, 2018 at 8:34pm

I’ve cried for 561 days in a row. How can that not kill me?? This is crazy. How can we live like this?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 29, 2018 at 6:11pm

morgan,

"Waiting...Waiting and Missing" could be the title of a short story based on our lives. These three words pretty much say it all about our life after the death of our soulmate, the love of our life. Everyday one question that pops up in my head is "When, when will it all end? When will my end come?"

Let peace come to us... 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 29, 2018 at 6:07pm

Dear Linda,

I will think of you on May 5th as you face the fifth anniversary of the passing of your beloved husband Julian. It is going to be a heart wrenching day, with no way to lessen the pain, but somehow you will have to make it through the day.

Like you and morgan and so many others on this forum, I often find myself suddenly covering my face and bursting into tears, my memory stirred by a small thing. Today it was while taping up a shipping box for my brother-in-law. I recalled how Joseph was the one who dealt with boxing and shipping and mailing. Something as trivial as taping a box can bring forth tears! There is no respite for the likes of us. For as long as we live we will miss, mourn and grieve the passing of the love of our life.

Sending thoughts of peace and good vibes and prayers to you, Linda.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 29, 2018 at 7:35am

Hi Morgan,

Couldn't agree with you more, I keep myself busy but yet anything I do is just going through the motions, I don't have as many breakdowns as I used to but I just can't stop thinking of my Husband everyday. I have no one to share my feelings except on this website. Thank God for all of you, I don't know what I would do.

God Bless all of you, Linda  

Comment by morgan on April 28, 2018 at 11:57pm

Nancy, I hear you when you say all you do is work.  Thats all I've done for five years in order to keep myself distracted.  I sold our home we shared, bought and rehabbed two more, sold both, bought and rehabbed four more and I don't mean sitting back.  I do tilework, I paint, I sling the sledgehammer for demolition, I throw rock for driveways, you name it..... So functioning to do the work is not the crippling part (other than some soreness and battling my arthritis).  Its the fact that when the work ends I am still in the same place.  Missing him, missing talking to him, missing holding him, missing being in the same room with him.  Not much has changed over five years only that I can function longer without breakdowns.  But the breakdowns are convincing me of the need for an exit.  I just am tired of putting up with having to live without him.  And I have never "moved on".  I just take up space.

Trina, We've been here a long time together.  Feels like an eternity.   I knew from the get go you were going to be one of the broken hearted not willing to find another.  Some of us just had the best and have no need.  But now we are trapped.  Prison if you will....just not behind bars.  I have about four people who really get where I am in my head.  They all encourage me to keep toughing it out and I listen but only with half an ear.  And as for my exit I still have yet to finish tying up all the stuff I need to and maybe I will find the "stuff" keeps me hanging on but I do have plans for finishing the houses and the ways to tie a bow on it all and at that point I guess I'll see how I feel.  But thinking about living past 70 even just the physical limitations much less the grief doesnt appeal to me at all.

To all, I can only hope at this point that something will take me out.  Like Linda and many of the rest of you we ask the universe to take us instead of someone else who wants to live.  Obviously its not listening.  I spend alot of time isolating myself from engaging in life.  I find it less stressful than trying to get out there and immerse myself.  I don't have the energy or the desire or any reason to put myself out there.  That has not changed and I highly doubt no matter how long I continue to live without him that will change.  

I cleaned and polished a picture in a frame of us, one of several I have in the kitchen this morning and just the polishing of the glass had me in tears.  Its' just an endless cycle of waiting.......waiting and missing.  

Comment by Nancy on April 28, 2018 at 9:29am

I'm sorry Linda.  I think the realization that all the plans made for retirement are gone and we are alone is the hardest thing to comprehend.  The majority of my life I had been married.  43 years. To try and adjust to a different life is the hardest thing I've ever faced.  I'm lost really.  Even with others around at the end of each day I'm all alone.  I know from reading your posts it's the same for you.  I don't know how a person "moves on".

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