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Comment by morgan on May 19, 2018 at 1:56pm

As much as I wish the new royal couple all the love they deserve, it breaks my own heart......I am now a broken shell of a woman who keeps pushing herself to reconstruct her life and who keeps asking herself how much is this worth.  I don't want to take my own life but it seems in the beginning that idea was a "reaction".  Now it seems I am just becoming more driven.  I am driven to tie up my affairs, driven to distraction, driven to decide how I can physically withstand the stress of living alone.....

I didnt have just a marriage......I had a love affair......I had the passion of living and now I am dead inside......I hope the royal couple are lucky enough to experience the kind of love some of us here have had with our spouses.......infinite, eternal and boundless......

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 11, 2018 at 11:43am

Hi Morgan, Nancy and L. Kasier,

Morgan has stated the same feelings I have, why do we have to stay here and suffer. The following poem seems to help get through life.

God bless you all.

Comment by Nancy on May 11, 2018 at 6:28am

Morgan. Thank you so much for thinking of me yesterday and your words that hit home so much for me and many on here.  You are so right about barely able to breathe at one year.  I told my daughter yesterday was just like every day for me.   When I'm not busy working all I do is replay everything over and over in my mind.  From his diagnosis to losing him was a whirlwind and I don't think any of us have quite gotten over the shock yet.  I'm like a hollow shell or a robot.  You are so right about 43 years...i was 20 when we married and was 64 when he passed.  How on earth do you find a new way to live???  Thank you again Morgan   

Comment by morgan on May 11, 2018 at 12:00am

Nancy, I know that today (the 10th) is your one year mark and if yours was anything like mine it is a harrowing kind of day.  One doesn't really know how to mark such a sad day.......One doesn't know what's ahead and we certainly are still as confused as to what was behind.  And being left behind has to be one of the worst feelings that keeps eating at any sense of normalcy.  I have struggled for years to try and reconcile/understand/ reconstruct and more and more I am coming around to not giving a damn about anything.....working feverishly as though I can work myself to death and starving myself as much as I can to impinge on my physical health.  I know in my head where I want to be I just cant seem to make it happen physically (dead).  I am trying though.  I have essentially given up thinking I am going to be any better than what I technically was the day my husband died.  I still have days (like yesterday) where the crying is so deep and so wracks my body that I exhaust myself and yesterday ended up konking out for three hours afterwards.  That's how tough it still can be.  Then today I got through the day but now late night I find I go back on the train to the hole.  I am back to where mornings and late night are bringing me so far down.....

I really cant understand what the sense is in making people like us suffer.  WTF?  The whole bunk about I still have something I need to do, or give or ???  I mean, what's the point?  

I come here and I see all the new names and stories of death of love and it just doesnt make any sense.  We are devastated souls only wanting connection to that which made us whole.......why leave us here when our minds are already gone with our loved one.  I just cant get it.

ok, now I'm rambling but I didnt want you to think that you weren't being thought of......and sorry you might not see this at the time I wanted to try and write it but my energy is limited and getting to everything I try to do doesnt always work out...43 years is a tremendously long amount of time to try and rewire. At one year you are barely yet breathing......just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.......morgan

Comment by L. Kaiser on May 10, 2018 at 1:30pm

Thank you Linda for your kind words! I do and have been seeing someone  , a therapist. However, I seriously question my time with this person...grief has never come up! I will call it my fault though, I don't think you understand, while you may empathize, unless you've lost a spouse! Thank you for the blessing, as well.

 I still thank God for waking up, I have to feel blessed. Some never find the kind of love I had for 27 yrs.!

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 10, 2018 at 8:07am

Hi Lynne,

I am so sorry for your losses, I lost my Husband 5 years ago and still grieve for him, I can;t imagine the horror you are going through. My heart goes out to you, I highly recommend a therapist to help you through this time of your life, I still see one, she helps me keep my sanity.

God Help You, Linda.

Comment by L. Kaiser on May 9, 2018 at 5:24pm

Hi everyone, I'm Lynne. I lost my husband, best friend, my safety, & my mind, on the 21 of Sept. 2017. I had been living with my mother as a caretaker for 11 months ( more so off and on for 3-5 yrs.) and finally got come home! My health had begun to suffer, I was down to 92 lbs.. Gee what a way to come home, but my beloved still loved me anyway! Bruce, my beloved respected my care of my parents, as we did the same for his parents! My Mr. Long Island!

5 1/2 weeks later while on business, my most wonderful beloved had a massive heart attack, never knowing a thing hit him. Well, that's what the doc said. However, when the ER called me that day, all I could was them screaming on the phone to me, but no real information, so I, Me, told them to hold onto him, help him, I was on my way! It took about 10 hours for me to absorb the fact that he was on total life support! Even though we each were very knowledgeable about medical stuff, in so many ways. My brain and heart just could not accept what I was seeing. So on the 23 of Sept., with my eldest son by my side, I let him go!The only good thing to come of this was that we donated his organs! Almost 60 living people were helped. Donate Life Org. Has been the only grief help I have received. They have been such a great source of comfort and help.

I feel guilty for so much! The stress I added by not being home with him for that long of a time! He didn't even share with me his own stresses, I have found out! There is so many issues, I have no answers to, so many questions. So many regrets.

Yes, I don't much see life without him, but I try. I'm still in a constant state of befuddlement, little things are so difficult. The life skills I've needed to know,but don't! This is just overwhelming! I've only ever been the mom, wife, daughter, the overall caretaker! That is not enough to make it these days! 

In Feb. this yr. (2018) I lost my mom, but was grateful for her, sad for my/our loss. However, she's free of this world and her suffering.

I really miss the good shock. The kind that hides the ugly feelings, that just seem to grow! It makes it worse, that you really find out who is with you and who is not! Between my 2 losses, I've lost family and found out who is really a friend. 

And God bless those that do not understand! You know the ones, " you've had enough time to grieve, are you going to get on with life?"

I want my life back, but I want Bruce in it, and that isn't going to happen, is it?

Thanks for reading/listening, sorry to ramble on! 

I hope this finds you all doing the best you can!

Lynne

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 8, 2018 at 8:52am

Anne,

Thank you so much of thinking of me, I bought a new plant in his honor.

God Bless you, Linda

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 6, 2018 at 10:32am

Dear John T,

My Husband and I both loved horse racing, he always bet on number 7 his favorite number and guess who wins the Derby this year. #7. We did get a chance to go to the 115 running, May 6, 1989 and just our luck it was the coldest derby they ever had. Coffee was the drink of the day. (LOL).

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 6, 2018 at 10:28am

Morgan,

This quote sums sums up our lives.fe. 

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