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Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2018 at 7:03am

Dear Morgan, Trina, Geraldine

All of your comments mirror my feelings. Everyday I try, and Everyday I fall, my life is worth nothing at all without my Husband, Julian. All I live for is my sweet little dog Babie J, and she is slowing dying. 

Comment by Geri on June 14, 2018 at 5:47am

Dear Morgan and Trina,

As strange as it may seem I find some release in knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts after reading your heartfelt pain. This torture of what is left of my life I know will never change. Each morning starts with uncontrollable tears not being able to see or hear my husband. The anxiety is unbearable. I'm beginning to think I deserve this heartache for the rest of my life as I'm the one here and he is not.

My day if not filled with company takes me through all my memories from  the smallest things like his blue eyes, his smile, the way his hair fell, the moles on his back, his proposal. They are all good memories but they break me. I will not see him again. He will not hold me again.

My evenings are not much different. When darkness begins to stir I go to bed. There is no one to talk to, there is no purpose. I'm hoping this will make the day go faster but then comes the waking every hour. I'm tired but my thoughts go to him and wanting to be with him and the tears start. This cycle of grief continues each day. People say be kind to yourself, you're strong, give yourself time, it's too recent - I don't think missing my beloved will ever change over time. 

Morgan and Trina I can only thank you both for making me feel a fraction normal. My grief is normal. I will acknowledge my feelings. I will mourn him in a way that makes sense to me. I will cry unashamedly. I will miss him forever and I will never let his name be forgotten.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 14, 2018 at 4:56am

Dear morgan,

As it is usually the case with you, you write with such poignancy and depth about our wretched condition. You always find the words, emotions, and feelings to describe the hell that many of us on this forum find ourselves in. The futility of living, the purposelessness of our daily existence. To what end?

Ever since the two recent celebrity suicides--Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade--I've been wondering how I have gone on for almost four years since Joseph's death. I contemplate dying every single day; I think, hope, and pray for my imminent death, but nothing. The needle doesn't move, or maybe it does move a little everyday, I can't tell. 

Like you, I can't stop wondering why the universe had to rob me of the love of my life. Why couldn't Joseph be spared, and why weren't we allowed to grow old together. Of course, there are no answers. It's a cold, indifferent universe that has robbed us of the one most valuable and priceless thing-person that made life worth living. What a miserable and sorry existence this is!

I have no words of consolation to offer you, but just to say that I relate to you fully and empathize with you wholeheartedly. Hang in there!

Hugs, Trina

Comment by morgan on June 13, 2018 at 10:53pm

I am so tired of having to live life. I understand why people commit suicide.  At some point the inability to function like a normal human being must become more than the will to survive the daily assaults on my memory bank.  I get it.  I wonder if there is a way I can rationalize bringing an end to the assaults.  So far I haven't been able to commit to an exit because somehow I think I am supposed to be stronger than that.  But how?  How do I continue feeling the way I do, so broken inside, so saddened by having to live without him?  How do I continue this pretense of a life?  

My coping skills have narrowed.  1) I pretend alot 2) I eat chocolate 3) I watch the news so I can compare my ills to the world at large and try to convince myself that I am going to make a difference by being a good person 4) I try to lean on those who don't judge my emotional illness (grief) at different times but I find its never enough 5) I am becoming a hermit. 

Plus I seem to go through really horrible patches of breakdowns amongst the other not so great times where I am at least managing to crawl around.  The bad patches seem to be getting worse.  I'm in one now again.  Then I'll get a little bit of a break where i am sick of living and don't want to be here but I am not ready to cash in.  Lately the cash in has gotten so intense.  I just don't know how I can keep going through these breakdowns.  

It has screwed up my digestive system so bad I don't know whether I want to eat or when I do I feel so awful.  An overall feeling of disinterest in food compounded when I do eat by bloating, nausea, and cramping gas periodically when I don't medicate with prune juice. I am dehydrated and feel like my immune system is in freefall.  Not that it matters because I would rather get sick and pass but I don't like feeling bad and having to wait out the length of time it might take for my body to naturally collapse.  

All of this makes me feel even more miserable.  I had a man who loved me more than anything.  He would have given anything to still be here with me today and yet the universe has seen fit to take him from me and leave me behind.  I cant square with that.  I have tried everything to bring some sense of normalcy back into my life and yet without him, there seems to be no bottom to the hole i live in.  I periodically peek my head above the rim, look around and then retreat because I just cant handle the complexity anymore.  Its too much to handle without him.  I am overwhelmed by maintaining what others do naturally when they haven't experienced the loss of being physically, emotionally, financially and mentally embedded in another's psyche.  We didnt have a marriage. We had a love affair.......i belong where he is....why wont the universe allow me?

Comment by Trevy Thomas on June 5, 2018 at 10:59am

Thanks to you all for your kind comments. Hugs

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 5, 2018 at 10:27am

Trevy,

What a beautiful story

Comment by bluebird on June 4, 2018 at 9:52pm

Trevy,

That was very touching, and also extremely well written.

Comment by Nancy on June 4, 2018 at 3:58pm

Wow Trevy.  A wonderful story written.  It made me cry.

Comment by Trevy Thomas on June 4, 2018 at 3:27pm

Babie J is adorable. I had three dogs when my husband died. They saved me in many ways. One dog in particular, Lucy, seemed to have a real sense for what I was feeling then. Just this morning, my essay was published about her coming into my life just as my husband left it. If anyone would care to read my take on animals and grief, it's here:

http://www.drunkmonkeys.us/2017-posts/2018/6/4/essay-loosy-trevy-th...

Comment by bluebird on June 4, 2018 at 2:51pm

"I really don't live in this world anymore, I just exist."

This is SO true, Linda. 

I hope your pup is ok.

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