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Comment by morgan on June 18, 2018 at 11:43pm

Geraldine,  You chose a good way to express how the grief feels.....choking and an ache that is hard to explain.  I am trying to minimize the ever present anxiety because now I know that it lives with me 24/7 and there is no real time to expect it.  Anything anywhere can bring it on.  In fact, it doesn't  have to be "something".  In the last several months its been a regular waking up occurrence where  all I want to do i stay in bed.  I normally end up getting up and doing something and the mornings have always been hard but now they are just a real struggle.  On a scale of 1-10 I wake up at a ten.  I constantly am having to dial it down.  

Vickie,  So sorry you are having to be here.......I can so relate to your crying.  I never knew I had this many tears in my body.  It seems to be automatic when I cross the threshold of remembering our life together.   There is nothing I have found that takes away the welling up of my feelings and the resulting tears.....Now I know that this is what my life is....a reliable realization.

Trina, you hit the nail on the head.  You call them depression attacks, I call them nuclear meltdowns but I'm pretty sure they are the same thing.  Its impossible to communicate to others the depth of where our mind and emotions take us when one hits us but the pain like you say is getting worse.  Its different from the earlier years when I was collapsing in a puddle every other hour.  These wait a bit longer but my desperation now has become rooted.  Its growing inside of me as days pass.  I recognize that the loss is not just something to get over,  Its something I am supposed to live with.  When my mind is attacked by my thoughts and it knows there is no solution I too find it is unbearable......I simply cant know whether I am going to be able to withstand this for a long time.

Bluebird, we know that both of us have no other person who we could "love".  When you have had the best it just isn't in the cards to develop another relationship.   For us I believe it would be living a lie.  How could I possibly say "I Love You" to someone else.  I know what i had.  It was a connection beyond the earthly bounds of a legal, sanctified, physical marriage.  It was an other worldly entanglement.  Its why the only thing that keeps me from suicide is what everyone else also speaks of.....the possibility that i might not reunite with my husband if I do something, that the universal order would be somehow misshapen and then doesnt bring me around to unity with him.   The lack of knowing what might possibly happen if I did is all that keeps me from doing it as the pain of living is just horrendous.  

Not every single moment is painful but when I dive headfirst into that hole of remembering fully and viscerally what I lived before January 21, 2013 I just cant help but ask myself how long will I last?

Comment by bluebird on June 18, 2018 at 6:23pm

Thank you, Linda.

I want to be very clear -- I am in no way advocating suicide for anyone, I am just saying that if that is what I end up doing, I will not allow it to keep me from my husband.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 18, 2018 at 2:16pm

AMEN!!!!!!

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 18, 2018 at 2:12pm

Bluebird,

You have a very valid point, I agree with your comment.

Comment by bluebird on June 18, 2018 at 9:47am

I don't agree -- if there is an afterlife, I WILL be with my husband there, no matter how I die. I will tear the afterlife apart to be with him, if that is what I have to do.

I don't believe in God, but if there is one, if it is a loving god it would not keep soulmates apart because of a suicide it was in part responsible for since it allowed one of them to die, and if it would keep soulmates apart because of suicide then it is an evil tyrant and does not deserve my love or respect, nor will it receive them.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 18, 2018 at 8:46am

Joe,

I agree with you, my Lutheran religion has taught if I take my own life I will not join My Husband in heaven. The only way I go on is that we are not widowed, still married only he is in Heaven and I am in Hell. 

Comment by Trevy Thomas on June 18, 2018 at 7:15am

My heart goes out to you all. Grief is the hardest pain in the world. A few things I saw in your comments made me want to share. 

Vickie, grief is still new for you and the early part is impossibly hard. My husband died at 49 unexpectedly  and he was also my soul mate. Like everyone here has said, I didn't want to live anymore without him. Be patient with yourself and this pain. We all experience it differently but for me, I noticed a significant change around the two-year mark. Hugs to you. This is a good place to dump your feelings.

Wanting to die and illness: There's a big difference between the two. We can all understand wanting to die in the hopes of returning to our spouse and to escape the pain. As much as it's a taboo subject, it appears to be a common one among grievers. However, when we imagine death, it's usually just the after part we're focused on. Long suffering in a hospital bed at the mercy of medical care is not something most of us want. Dead, maybe. Sick and unable to tend to ourselves, probably not. Contributing to your own disease does not guarantee quick relief. I say this because I saw it happen to several members of my grief group and I'm now suffering from some long-term effects of neglect myself. One friend told me about a long hospital stay where she was not well cared for and completely incapable of helping herself. She just cried all day every day in that hospital bed and no one cared enough to help her. She eventually lost sight in one eye because of lack of care. Everyone dismissed her suffering as craziness. Be careful now. I would rather suffer with my grief alone in the privacy of my home than in a facility.

Signs. I have had many. I heard his words, sensed his presence and protection. I have since remarried -- to another widower -- and that has helped me enormously. But I was never sure initially that this was the right thing to do. Early on when we were dating, my new husband referred to me by the nickname my late husband used. He had no reason to know this name, and did not use it as a name in his sentence but rather a description. I don't know if that made sense to any of you, but when he said it, we were walking down stairs to a subway and right then a big gush of warm wind came up the stairs and lifted my hair. It felt like a hug from my late husband and an acknowledgment that this was the right thing to do. Maybe I'm crazy but I'll take all the signs I can get.

Be patient with yourselves. I feel love for all of you and send you a virtual hug.

Comment by Geri on June 18, 2018 at 4:08am

Oh Vickie lemoigne ecklund my heart breaks for you. There are no words that can take away the pain. 

Comment by Vickie lemoigne ecklund on June 18, 2018 at 3:18am

I lost my husband 7 moths ago and he was my soul mate my everything. I am so lost without out him. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry. How long will I just want to die cuz I'm without out him. His b day is today he would have been 53 years old. We were together18 years without only 3 months apart. Don't know if I'm going to make it through this one.

Comment by bluebird on June 17, 2018 at 10:53pm

As I have often found to be true on this site, my experience has been very much like morgan's, other than I knew I would never again feel "normal" after my husband died. In all other respects, however, my experience has been very much as morgan's post has related hers has been.

The signs I have received, I can never seem to be sure of for any length of time. That is, they sometimes make me feel a bit better in that moment, but that feeling never lasts, in part because I cannot be sure the signs are real, that my husband still exists and that these signs are really from him. I wish I could be sure, but I truly don't think anything could prove hishcontinued existence to me, short of him actually coming to me, while I am conscious and awake, and me being able to see and hear him and converse with him.

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