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Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2018 at 12:03pm

Beth,

My Husband's bday is July 10, I know we will both be with them again.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on July 7, 2018 at 10:33am

Happy 65th Birthday to my love in heaven. Miss you! Love you!

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2018 at 7:35am

Hi Anne,

I just love the last line of your post.

Take Care

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 6, 2018 at 8:13am

Comment by Geri on July 6, 2018 at 2:27am

Hi everyone,

Just so worn out. Still can't accept he's gone. Just had home movies converted to DVDs and it's breaking my heart to see and hear him again during our happiest times together. The distractions during the day are no longer working either and panic follows me around. The most beautiful of memories are also crippling me with tears. 

Has anyone had any success with mediums to connect to their loved ones?

Comment by Mary Wilson on July 6, 2018 at 12:06am

Hello everyone! I'm new here. Just lost my middle school sweetheart and husband of 16 years, the 14 of last month. My world has been turned upside down!! We didn't have human children, only cats. I feel lost. 

Comment by morgan on July 6, 2018 at 12:01am

Linda, I will think of you on the 10th......these last few days have been a back breaker for me......Days just wasting away.......the immensity of the grief just taking my breath away.  

And yes, some people got lucky and found the one person who truly was their soul.  For all intent and purpose, I am already dead.  My sold is buried.  Unfortunately I am still paying bills and having to talk to other people...... something I used to be good at.  Now it is everything I can do to find the energy to do both.  I am just tired.  Tired of having to deal with the assaults on my psyche.  Just tired of living......   

Comment by morgan on July 5, 2018 at 11:56pm

Alice, Like you, every day I run into situations, some challenging, some just reminders.  They overwhelm me and I cry.  After five and half years I am now resigned to the facts.  Fact:I am never going to have a normal life.  Fact: I am never going to see my husband again (here).  Fact: And I am doing things that will make life easier for some people who will be left behind after I go.

 But everyday I cry about what I had.  About how terribly I miss him.  Because I am desperate to reunite with him.  I just don't care about living anymore.  Its just fact.  It isn't depressing for me.  Others seem to think somehow I should be doing something to not feel this way.  They just have no clue how important he was to my life.  How he was the beacon that lit my way.  it was an intense relationship.  The ups and the downs but the love was a fire deep in our souls and it was not quenchable.  We were hungry for each other.......there was something that stirred that if I compare to other marriages I know, theirs seem superficial.  

Now at 66 I am taking care of all my affairs that were the struggles and successes of our life together.  All the things we did to keep going I am now making sure I have in order since I certainly was not prepared to handle them myself and it has been a long journey to cope with all the decisions i have had to make.  But make them I am, and I am getting closer to seeing the order.  I am preparing for my own death.  I don't know when but I am so ready.  I can hope it is natural because I would hate to get to my goal and find myself still breathing for long.  It sounds so morose but it seems so normal to me.  For such a long time I kept thinking, things might change.  That I wouldn't have such deep thoughts about wanting to die.  But it hasn't changed.  If anything I have become more determined to figure out a way.  

Weird isn it? In those early years I just thought this too shall pass.  How could it not? At some point the grief would lessen.  Now I know better, each moment is just another version of staring at the same mirror.........and the time that has passed seems like an eternity.....I want to be with him again......Please universe,  let me go.

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 3, 2018 at 4:35pm

Morgan, I feel that people who say you will find joy in your life again, never had a marriage like we had. Julian was my true soulmate. I know that anniversary dates are the worse, his birthday is July 10 so I prepare by having a few more beers than usual to get through the day. What a way to live. people will never ever understand what we are going through.

Comment by morgan on July 3, 2018 at 2:56pm

Linda,  I don't have any sanity left.  i have been doing the same kind of thing as you for the last five years plus.  Working like a crazy person, eating sporadically, sleeping erratically hoping my body will do the same as yours.  Give it up and die.  I am skin and bones and see the decline in my health but apparently its not enough yet.  I guess grief just wants to squeeze every last drop of pain out of me before it allows my exit.  I'm just damn tired of it.  i'm so tired of pushing the ball forward when I have no desire or need to do so.  

Tomorrow we would have celebrated 40 years.....i got 35 of them. I should be grateful and all I can think about is how desperate i am to hold him.  Something that rationally i know is impossible.   But it doesnt stop my brain from running away with my emotions and forcing me to have to interact in a world where I want to be gone.  

And posts like some just make me angry.  Preaching to me about how there is hope and how life is filled with trouble is rubbing salt in my gaping wound.  That some platitudes from the flat earth society are relevant and are the solution that will resurrect my husbands enigma enough for me to find happiness (as though it isn't something I haven't already considered) is the height of conceit.  

I have tried to use this site for bringing me a better understanding of myself by seeing how others are honest about their inability to cope.  That the ability to cope for many who have been told their grief can be "fixed" is an impossible task.  That I am not crazy for feeling so destroyed.  At least I know that you are right there with me and others, trying your best but ending up standing still.  Just like me and many others willing to tell the truth.  

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