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Comment by Monty on July 8, 2018 at 11:30pm

thanks very much Bluebird.

your perspective has given me something to mull over and i really appreciate your input.  i know talking about this can be upsetting.

i'm glad you have found some respite  from the grind.

thanks again

Comment by bluebird on July 8, 2018 at 11:21pm

Part 3

The only other things I've found that help me at all are going to the thrift shop once or twice a week (something I've always liked, and there's a local one where I'm a regular now, and again I find the ritual comforting and familiar), and also when I'm at home I almost always have both the tv and the computer on, for distraction. If I don't try to distract myself, I think too much (something to which I have always been prone, but which is a particularly bad idea for me now).

The special days -- birthdays, anniversaries, holidays -- just suck, at least for me. I spend them alone if I can (often I have to work, but then I spend those evenings alone). If your boys don't want to acknowledge or celebrate your wife's birthday, then maybe you should spend the day doing whatever helps you, whether that means taking a walk by a lake, or looking through old photos of the two of you, or spending the day with a friend, or having a glass of wine and crying, or doing nothing. If your boys' special needs mean they can't be left alone, or if they are too young for that, you can always get a sitter. Whatever you do on that day, there is no way to "do it wrong". You do whatever helps you in those moments. 

You might want to consider counseling for the boys at some point, to help them deal with their mother's death. It's possible that they don't want to burden you with their sadness and anger, but that's what a therapist is there for, and they can unload on her/him because they don't love that person. You could always consider therapy for yourself, as well. Some people find that helpful, particularly if they see a grief counselor in particular. That's not something that I have chosen to do, but it does help some people.

Anyway, I hope that something I said is of some use to you, and/or that someone else can offer something that is.  {{{{hugs}}}}

Comment by bluebird on July 8, 2018 at 11:17pm

Part 2

Firstly, I do have the support of my family. They drive me crazy sometimes, especially my parents as they get older, but they love me and I love them, and I know how blessed I am in that regard. My sister, in particular, has been amazing.  She and I have always been close, but since my husband died she and her husband have really been there for me. I love and adore my sister, but I also love my BIL like a brother, and he loves me like a sister.

Par of what this means is that I spend four evenings a week at their house (they only live about a ten minute drive away from me), during which we have dinner together and watch one of the shows we like. We have quite a few shows that we binge-watch on Netflix or dvds. We started with the original Stargate, a few months after my husband died, then moved on to the spin-offs of that show, then the reboot of Battlestar Galactica (and the 70s original, lol), then L O S T, which quickly became (and has remained) my all-time favorite tv show. We also have watched or are watching The OA, Longmire, The 100, Falling Water, The 4400, Wrecked, Madame Secretary, Frontier, House of Cards, and I'm sure a few others I'm forgetting. 

Anyway, there are two points to this: one, the only time I feel even slightly alive and slightly normal are those evenings I spend at their house; two, I don't exactly "look forward" to these shows, as I really don't look forward to anything anymore, but I do like them, and want to know what happens on them. Watching those shows is one of the very few things I enjoy even a little bit these days. The ritual of going over there, spending time with people I love & who love me, and watching these shows, adds some structure to the nightmare my life has become, and therefore, helps a bit. So, if you have any supportive family or friends nearby, consider making it a regular thing to go over once a week or so for dinner, with your kids (even better if they have kids around the same age). I know this probably sounds like a no-brainer, but the inclination to stay in the house, to isolate, can be very strong, and while it does have its place (IMHO), that little break can really help, for your kids as well as for you.

(to be continued)

Comment by bluebird on July 8, 2018 at 11:16pm

Monty,

You said "I'm struggling on almost every front to do almost anything.  i feel atm, if i didn't have to do anything i would just sit quietly in her chair and cry for the rest of my life." I get it, and feel very much the same way. It sucks, but it is not uncommon.

As you said, it is different for everyone. For me, the truth is that I really don't push through and continue with life in any meaningful way. I drag myself out of bed to go to work, because I have no choice (I can't even manage paycheck-to-paycheck; my Dad helps with my bills). I go to the grocery store once a week or so, because while I no longer wish to be alive, for as long as I am here I need to eat something. But those things aren't really living, they are just subsisting.  There is no joy in my life anymore, which I find immeasurably sad. I have no interest in doing things I used to love/like doing. I have no "oomph", anymore. I used to be a rather happy and optimistic person; although my/our financial situation wasn't good before my husband died either (though it was better than it is now), together my husband and I were managing, and in any case we had each other and loved each other and so we could deal with anything. I am no longer an optimist.  The worst possible thing has happened, so why should I be?

I'm sorry, I know that none of that is uplifting or hopeful, but that is just how it is for me.

With that said, I have found a few things that make the days slightly more bearable for me, and I will share them, though I don't know if these same things will work for you (maybe some variation would?). This is going to be long, so I actually need to break it up into a few posts because there's a 4,000 character limit per post. Sorry if this is too long or more than you want to read or deal with, and I won't be insulted if you don't, lol, but if I'm able to help even a little then I want to do so.

(to be continued)

Comment by Beth Swansboro on July 8, 2018 at 7:42pm

MONTY, I just when through our anniversary dates and my husband's birthday. I just looked through some pictures of all our special times. Yes, I cried alot. It is very hard. My son won't talk about his dad. Do whatever does good to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on July 8, 2018 at 7:39pm

Linda, I sure understand you On retirement. We always knew where we would go. We knew we could afford to do it when the time came. Your picture below is beautiful!

Comment by Monty on July 8, 2018 at 5:57pm

how do other people push though and continue with life (and i realise that for every one its different).

i'm looking for different perspectives on it so i can try and find something that i can me. their has to be something to help.

I'm struggling  on almost every front to do almost anything.  i feel atm,  if i didn't have to do anything i would just sit quietly in her chair and cry for the rest of my life.

I have my wife's birthday coming up this week and i don't know what to do with it.

should i celebrate it, mourn her (more than i do now .. don't know how )

have a remembrance of/for her

my boys don't want to do anything relating to their mom and openly reject any suggestions with any activity to do with their mom.

my life feels like it needs a load rock version of Celion Dions "my life will go on" song.

 

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2018 at 3:23pm

Beth,

The best times of my life were with my Husband, we lived below our means while working, so we had money to enjoy our retirement and I will have to say it was great.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on July 7, 2018 at 1:22pm

Suppose to say I am in hold mode. Sorry.

Comment by Beth Swansboro on July 7, 2018 at 1:21pm

Yes we will Linda.   Life sure is different without him. I will keep you in my prayers on the 10th. Just is hard to think where I am going in life. Since Bob died I have just been in old mold. Our retirement together is gone. Just so lost now!

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