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Comment by Linda Engberg on November 12, 2018 at 6:26am

Hello Friends,

I know it is going to be rough for all of us dealing again with the Holidays. Like Morgan I am tired of wearing my happy face, people think everything is okay and I have moved on. No, I have not moved on, everyday is pure Hell inside me. I pray for God to take me to join my Husband.

Comment by Monty on November 12, 2018 at 4:03am

i'm so truly sorry for your continuing pain. and not because i don't feel the loss and pain as we all do in our own way.

i think the main reason i am continuing to keep on going is need to for my children.

having two dependant children that rely on me to dress them wash them and feed them  and to not be a sad old sack of a dad ( that i honestly feel and wish i could give into some days) .

i feel that i need to be the best dad i can for them, it would be what carol would have wanted.

so most days i push the emotion down.

i drag my sorry ass out of bed and in my best cheery way try and get them up and ready for the day.

we still talk about Carol their mom my wife and those moments and often late at night when i cannot sleep are the hardest.

like i said.

i'm stubborn and am determined to be the best dad i can for them.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 12, 2018 at 2:17am

Monty, Linda, and morgan,

I don't have much more to add beyond saying that after four years and three months it doesn't get all that much easier. The day to day practical things get easier over time, but the heavy heart, the constant, nagging feeling of loss and sorrow do not fade. We just put a mask, hat, face--whatever you want to call it--on and keep going on even when it hurts inside. The pain sometimes to this day is still very sharp.

For me, like morgan, I just wish I could be free, that is free to depart this world, take leave of this life. What is the point in all of this? Why do I go on? I go on because I still breathe, not because I want to. How I wish I could be reunited with Joseph soon! The holiday season makes the longing and missing even harder. Everybody is making plans for the holidays, and here I am like many of you on this site, wishing I could just "check out" of here--no holidays, no fun, no feasting, no exchanging presents, no sharing that special moment with the love of your life. It's all so very unfair, so cruel, senseless, and unjust! 

Sending you all love an hugs, Trina 

Comment by morgan on November 12, 2018 at 12:09am

I'm not able to pinpoint what is happening from one moment to the next but I am watching myself become more viscerally emotional again.  I am missing him.  It is becoming another extended seasonal rocky road of remembering what I had versus what I live now.  I am not getting better in the overall scheme of things.  I have certainly been able to function better.  I don't struggle as much getting a meal, or taking a shower and getting laundry done or driving the car somewhere.  I can watch some tv and periodically engage with a few people outside of my close circle but essentially I am withdrawn, unmotivated and emotionally a cripple.  

Why I ask myself?  Why is this so hard to live without my husband?  Why do I have so little care about wanting to live? Why do I want my life to end as soon as possible?  All I can give as an answer is that my soul is no longer fed with love.  I needed love.  I needed his essence to envelop me.  He understood me better than my own parents or my siblings.  How was that?  How could he know me so well?  Because he wanted me.  He knew my soul.  He cared to take me in his arms and love me for every single fault I had and every single emotion I felt.  He was my mirror image.  He reflected what I wanted to be able to love about myself and now all I have is broken shards of glass that pierce my soul.  

I come here because I need to read that I am not alone in my angst as the years have been passing and nothing really seems to be getting better on the inside. I know that many of you are struggling the same way I am.  And we don't understand it.   Having to accept this is how I am living is tough because as hard as I try to find some small something that excites me, or I care about, or that gives me joy, it all just seems so drab.  So inconsequential, so irrelevant to staying alive.  If I sound like a  broken record it is, because this is what it is like. I live Groundhog day every day and it all started January 21, 2013......a long time ago and yet it feels like yesterday......I'm tired.....I want this to come to a natural quick end.....and here I am again in another November when the memories for me become the most painful.......Crawling in a hole would be preferable but after this long I am judged by others to have to maintain my fake exterior because I am still breathing.....I can only hope my husband is making some kind of plans soon so I can depart because the whole situation of living without my beloved is wearing me out....... morgan

Comment by Monty on November 11, 2018 at 10:58pm

hi linda.

thanks for reply

i'm ordering 4 NURF guns and after xmass lunch we are going to chase each other around the house and shoot the kids (more like miss the kids and over exaggerate being hit by the kids). that and a few beers seemed to work last xmass.

but your right

the things that people look forward to (putting their feet up and cheer with friends and family will never be the same).

due to the large gaping whole in my life of missing my partner and the extra workload of being single parent and working.

combine that with any slow time i tend to get is riddled with pain and loss

....

that being said i'm renowned for not giving up and being a very stubborn   bugger..  so we will see what we can work out.

we could end up watching a lot of slap stick Comedy these holidays.

 

kind regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 9, 2018 at 5:58am

Hi Monty,

It is very hard to try to find happiness during the Holidays as they will never be the same. The Community Hospice has a workshop called "Hope for the Holidays." I go every year and they give you ideas on how to make your Christmas bearable. 

God Bless you and your family.

Comment by Monty on November 8, 2018 at 4:52pm

Hi All

I'm still here plugging away at life.

As the 12 month anniversary approaches of the passing of my lovely wife, I've been assessing my self, my grief and how things are going.

i had previously written a list of things i felt and knew and why i felt that way.  

i continue to fell that way.

every thing still hurts but rather than being a searing pain it is a little more of a constant throbbing pain. i do find it quite waring and to find the energy to go to work and be productive is a struggle.

I'm still searching for sleep most nights.

fortunately the dreams/nightmares of loosing carol have lessened somewhat, but still persist in some part.

still searching for something fun and exciting and the only thing that really brings a smile to my face is parts of "home alone 2" the movie and the second pink panther movie (in short the slap stick comedy).

and the boys are in a relatively good routine thank goodness.

i am dreading the Christmas holidays and will need to find something to keep me busy, as for me slow time is the time where i feel the most pain.

when I'm busy and distracted there is a small relief from the pain.

Kind regards to all 

monty

Comment by Monty on October 21, 2018 at 5:36pm

Hi

it seems to be a common thread amongst people who have lost their most loved ones.

its been 11 months now since i have lost my wife.

i have had counselling and am attending a mens grief group.

i try to be busy most days.

the work week is exhausting busy with work kids and other things, and by Thursday /Friday i long for the weekend.

but.. on the weekends i have no motivation and unless I'm doing house work or something for the kids i feel lost and have no motivation, all i want to do is escape..   

i push my self to go out at least Saturday and try and do something interesting with the kids and try and see some of my friends, but as often as not i don't want to do anything.

I'm dreading the christmas holidays as it will be the 1 year anniversary of my wife passing (22nd December). 

I hope others are not having to cope with these sort of feelings ...

regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 19, 2018 at 7:56am

Bluebird, Trina & Alexis,

Thanks for your thoughts. Life will never be the same again.

I am so glad to have such wonderful friends on this forum.

God Bless You All.

Comment by ALEXIS on October 18, 2018 at 10:13pm

Linda and Bluebird I have been feeling the same way.  At work I am getting in all sorts of holiday items and it is hard for me to look at it or think of the holidays.  This will be my first without my husband.  I'm not quite sure how to do this as some days I still forget that he is gone and then I wake up.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other because I don't know how to do anything else but it somehow just seems wrong.  Sometimes I just want to stop doing anything but if I do, I'm afraid that I will never get started again.  

Hugs to you both

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