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Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 12:05pm

Linda,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, though not surprised -- I think it's fairly common.

M Adams,
I'm sorry you are having to suffer through the deaths of two people so close to you. Makes sense to me that even though you were "recovering" somewhat, the second death caused a relapse of those symptoms.
As for writing, I write very, very little. Right after my husband died I felt compelled to write, a rush of raw poems, and even then I felt that that would likely be it, the last I wrote. I was pretty much correct. It's been six years since he died, and maybe three or four times since then have I felt the urge to write and then done so, and even with those poems they are still in first-draft form, I never revised them. It just doesn't matter to me, nothing does.

Comment by Nancy on December 2, 2018 at 12:01pm

Widow brain is real. Factual.  Many good articles on it.  I am better than I was but not where I was before he got sick.  I thought after he passed I was getting Dementia until my physician pointed me to articles on widow brain.   

Comment by M Adams on December 2, 2018 at 11:55am

At this point I can tell that my brain had recovered to some extent from the worst impact of my husband's death two years ago, because many of the symptoms that (sometimes unnoticed) had begun to ease off, bit by bit, returned in full force when my beloved mother died very suddenly in September of this year -- guess it is a positive sign that lack of focus, bad memory, difficulty reading, inability to write, general disinterest, fearfulness, passivity, etc., are not necessarily permanent. Though I hadn't made great progress either, unfortunately.  Now, two months after losing my mother, I think the worst of the returned symptoms are already lessening a little; I can read a magazine article with some attention, for example.   My goal is still to get back to a more normal level of function -- somewhat haunted by the awareness that my husband and my mother, who both loved me so much, would be shocked at my current state.

Bluebird do you find that you're able to write now?  Apart from grocery lists and so on.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 2, 2018 at 7:16am

Hi Bluebird,

I have the same issue you have. I do not function properly. My mind wanders all the time, I must have "widows grief too.

Thanks for sharing, Linda

Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 2:05am

Monty,

Thanks for posting links to those articles. My brain absolutely does not work as well as it used to; it hasn't worked properly since my husband died. I was/am quite intelligent -- not a genius, to be sure, but definitely bright. I am a poet, I have an MFA, I speak conversational French, I used to work (for over 8 years) as a paralegal in immigration law. 

And none of that matters one goddamned bit, now. It doesn't matter because nothing matters since my husband died, but also it doesn't matter because I really can't access my intelligence the way I used to, I can't utilize it. I simply cannot function properly. I have no focus, no attention span, no ability to handle complex tasks. I've always had a poor short-term memory, and it's gotten exponentially worse since my husband died. I could never do the work, now, that I used to do as a paralegal. I've heard all this referred to as "widow's brain", and it certainly is in my case.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on November 28, 2018 at 8:29am

I understand what you mean.life is not black or white so grief is not black or white.I can't imagin long term life without him.That is why I can't go no more one minute at a time.It is 31 months since I saw my husband.This holiday seaon is very hard for me.I miss him so much.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 28, 2018 at 7:20am

Morgan,

Thank you for giving me your input on the issue with my niece. Now I understand that my grief does not fall into the complicated grief group, as there will never be a new me. I was diagnosed by my doctor and psychiatrist with this type of grief and that is the way I accepted my grief but they were wrong. As time goes by, I find myself drawing myself into isolation. It's just better for me this way. I have accepted that each year my grief will get worse instead of better. I also read your posts to Monty & Joe which opened my eyes to other issues. Again thanks so much for all your posts.

Regards, Linda  

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:40am

Joe,
Me too. I have no desire to be fixed. In fact, I crave crossing to the other side. I listen to videos that make my mind go deep into what “might be” possible, from physics, quantam mechanics and entanglement, to the search for consciousness outside of the mind, IONS, ( the list is long, I have them all bookmarked) so I might ask myself whether living is an absolute necessity. I want to pass through to the other side. I can find many ways to rationalize it. But I’ve always been a naturalist and I guess I keep thinking the universe has got to take me in its own way. So much of the time though it is a fight to not give in. Its pretty easy to understand suicide now.
After this long though I find my sympathetic nervous system is reducing my immune system to a very fragile condition. I had a very strong healthy baseline so degredation is taking time but it seems to be making headway slowly so I can hope that my time is limited.
Never wanted to die ever before but now, now…..its really a practical, pragmatic solution to this pain of loss. I just don’t need to pretend I care. Let everyone have at it……I'm over it.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:23am

Monty,
Thanks for the links……I found the one from Barbara Fane the most pertinent to how I feel after five years 10 months. Alot of the “early” characteristics she describes are still with me years later. I can honestly say that it took me a good four plus years to even feel any sense of reality. This fifth year has been a lot of reflecting on what the other four years were like and without further perspective (more years living this loss) I think I’m not destined to “get better”. I have to accept that this is probably as good as it is going to get and its not great.

“thick soup”….oh yes, constant conflict too……..a war raging in my head. I had a very good job requiring my attention to details and focus. I knew the day of his death I would never be able to continue. Took me six months to train someone to do my job and I never looked back. Like you said, I saw the struggle ahead of me when before I could manage it all very well but no longer. I knew what bomb went off in my head and its never returned to normal.

I’m sorry you will be coming upon the anniversary of your wifes death. I too need to make it through as my husbands terminal cancer was diagnosed on the day after Xmas and we had to wait to hear that after being in the hospital starting Xmas Eve day because all the doctors were busy celebrating. I longer celebrate from when my husband would have cooked our Thanksgivng turkey until his death on Jan 21 just beyond my birthday on the 14th. No, this time of year I just crawl into my hole and try to avoid everything and everybody. Its just easier on everyone else that way. I may or may not emerge in February. Each year it almost seems to get harder not easier to fight the blues while everyone else is wishing on stars. Just find myself withdrawing more and more even during the year. Just tired of keeping up the pretense.

I too can hope all of us have the best day we can.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 27, 2018 at 11:58pm

Linda,

I am more apt to not try to put a label on what we suffer. I believe that loss begets grief and so the grief is scaled to how much loss we feel according to how we view our commitment. I have had different reactions to loss. I cried when my parents died but because they were older and they had brought us up to be independent I considered their loss as a natural occurrence. A sad one yes, but to be expected. I am eternally grateful for their love and support but the grief mellowed within months and I wnet on with living my life.

The two cats I’ve had and my attachment to them was almost more traumatic. One because of the way it died (sad story) and the other because it was more my husbands cat than mine so when it died two years after him it was another connection lost.

But the loss of my husband. The man who laid down beside me for 35 years. The man who embraced me every night and spent his every moment wanting me (and me him). To lose this visceral tangible feeling has destroyed me. It isn’t complicated for me. Its only complicated for those who don’t know how to handle the new me. For me its very simple. I have no plans to try and convince anyone of the horror of losing my husband. Its impossible to explain it, put a tag on it, find a solution for it. Right now I have to live with it unless I decide not to. That’s not complicated, that’s my life as of now.

Your niece is probably trying to find a way to explain how her loss compares to others in the hopes she will find some way to cope. We all have to. If her marriage was not close she might be feeling that she lost the kind of time you and Julian had. I know for me, that no one can know how I suffer because they don’t know enough about the depth of my love.
I just wish us all less pain while we still have to live life without the person who made it worth living.
morgan

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