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Comment by Monty on December 19, 2018 at 4:07pm

Hi M Adams

christmas is  a hard one. i think ill try and again to get some safety glasses and some nerf guns.

last year that seemed to work ok.  couple drinks for the adults and let the kids shoot us and miss them mostly, it was a big hit.

also

some slapstick comedy (home alone , pink panther, grumpy old men and dennis the menace .. ect)

possibly even some youtube of robin williams

thats always uplifting.

apart from spending to much on presents for the kids..  i think it will be a small gathering.

I'm asking myself these days ..  how doe this (insert action / idea) improve my life as a career / father / man this seems to be helping a little to ensure that i maximise my spending in what is a very expensive time.

I've also looking at some websites.  

some of the websites may bee good for some people and or may have already seen them

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/loss-grief-and-manliness-wh...

https://www.opentohope.com

i help every has the best day they can.

Comment by M Adams on December 19, 2018 at 12:42pm

Monty, that is so true about the unforeseen sensitivity — so many things, words, places, thoughts are really painful now, makes it very tempting to withdraw.  It’s not that I blame other people much, it is basically impossible for anyone outside the bereavement to imagine all the ways life can be traumatic now.  For a while after my husband died I kept accidentally driving to the hospital, then suddenly realizing where I was going and getting very upset behind the wheel.  I still avoid lots of places to avoid the pain and public tears, but you can’t really succeed.  There’s a tailor in our neighbourhood where I always wanted to get my husband a handmade suit — one of those things where you wonder why you put it off.  Now I try not to walk by that corner, but sometimes I forget.  

Have you come up with ideas to enhance your experience this Christmas? I’m still struggling.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 19, 2018 at 6:37am

Hello Friends,

Thank you all for sharing you thoughts. yesterday morning I was talking with my neighbor outside about our Husbands. I looked up at the sky and there was a small rainbow, there were no clouds just a clear blue sky. I know it was a sign from him. Joe, the quote you give is exactly what I tell everyone, it is engraved on my body.  

Comment by Monty on December 18, 2018 at 6:20pm

Corinne

i too am struggling with peoples expectations of me who mean well but ultimately they expectations do not enhance my life at all.

i am trying to focus only on things that enhance my life or the life of my loved ones (children / immediate family).

it is hard to remain focused on positive things when you are so sensitive to things that exacerbate your existing pain and trauma.

i wish you the best day you can have.

Warm regards Monty

Comment by Corinne C. Rico on December 18, 2018 at 4:25pm

I don't comment often but I do read many of the posts.  What I am finding particularly difficult after only losing the love of my life of 18 years back in September, is how people can compare the loss of a spouse to a a family member.  Do they not understand that you can't chose your family but our spouses are the ones that we chose and hoped to be with until we were old together?  Not to say that a family member loss is not meaningful, I am not saying that at all.  Its just different.  I also lost my Dad back in 2008, do I miss hime?  Of course I do I loved chatting with him.  I am blessed to still have my Mom and my sisblings but the relationship is entirely different.  The intimacy we had with our spouses is what we miss the most, the friendship, doing things together.  I have been crying for two days just thinking of how supportive he was in the delivery room when I gave birth to our daughter 15 years ago.  I will be honest, I am getting angry and resentful when people already after only 4 months are wondering why am I not better?  Are they kidding?  Every day is a fresh new hell for me without him being around.  I DO manage to DO things but not because I want to or have any desire to do them, but because I have no other choice.  Every morning I lay in bed not wanting to open my eyes or get up simply because I know he is not there.  I roll over in the middle of the night, put my hand out and the other side of the bed is cold and empty.  You all know what I am saying.  I am a pretty tough cookie of a woman but this has brought me to my knees.  I have never ever experienced such a void or emptiness in my life.  And these people in my life just don't get it.  I find it so offensive when they offer me stupid patronizing platitudes like oh sweetie, its just gonna take a bit of time.  For who?  Them?  Because my being ok again is going to make them ok?  Sigh, sorry, I needed to vent and this is the only place where I feel I am actually being heard and understood.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 18, 2018 at 4:10pm

One week to Christmas and I could care less without my beloved Husband Julian. It's just another day. In fact each day is the same as the next. Missing the love of my life. I am NOTHING without him. The attached is the last Christmas picture of him in 2013. He was there when I crossed the finish line in a 5K run on Christmas Eve. I am sograteful to have such a wonderful Husband.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 15, 2018 at 7:22am

Joe,

Thank You so much for sharing you OBE. I have read a lot of books on it and saw the movie Heaven is for Real. The one book I like is Hello from Heave by Bill & Judy Guggenheim. 

Two days after my Husband died I had 1 message on my answering machine. It was from my Sister. After I listened to her message there was some static and my Husband's voice came on, he said "Let's Go". I called my sister right after on my cell and told her to listen to his voice but she heard nothing. I played it three times and she still heard nothing. I know it was him and the message was only for me. 

I know I will see him again but like you say in what form. No matter what form I will know him.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 15, 2018 at 7:01am

Joe,

Thank You so much for sharing you OBE. I have read a lot of books on it and saw the movie Heaven is for Real. The one book I like is Hello from Heave by Bill & Judy Guggenheim. 

Two days after my Husband died I had 1 message on my answering machine. It was from my Sister. After I listened to her message there was some static and my Husband's voice came on, he said "Let's Go". I called my sister right after on my cell and told her to listen to his voice but she heard nothing. I played it three times and she still heard nothing. I know it was him and the message was only for me. 

I know I will see him again but like you say in what form. No matter what form I will know him.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on December 14, 2018 at 3:10pm

You are right people dont get it.The sadness never goes away.I am gratiful the support is here.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 14, 2018 at 2:09pm

Hi Denise,

I learned a lot of things on this forum. The important one is everyone found their true SOULMATE and lost them. The world just doesn't understand why we don't want to carry on without them. THEY WILL NEVER GET IT.

  

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