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Comment by morgan on February 6, 2019 at 3:55pm

I don't know what to say anymore.  I read posts and totally commiserate. Joe, you hit a couple high spots.  I too had a horrible day on Monday, simply heart rending....wailing, sobbing, screaming.......Then last night there was another break with reality.  You said it all when you said and I quote:"Out of nowhere, the horror of it all hits me at times. My confidence shatters. I want her (him) back here. Now! Or, better yet since I know that can't happen, GOD, take me to Her already."

YES, exhausting, needy, knowing, not enough stop the pain.......and all of us here post to try and give hope to each other while paddling upstream through the rapids which are engulfing us.....

Unfortunately for some of us there is no end in sight.  It gets "better" because:

1) after a period of time under duress our brains will block images or triggers because I think it knows it is beating the hell out of our bodies and it wants us to last as long as we can to beat us some more.  Part sarcasm, part truth.

2) We isolate ourselves because we feel guilty that all we have to talk about is how miserable we honestly and truly are and we know others cannot possibly understand why we still aren't over it enough to relate to life again in what they consider a fuller way so we don't participate.

 3)  Sometimes there simply is no trigger or landmine just the visceral anguish of not being able to hold that one person who was everything......I'm having way too much of that lately and it is really pushing me in a not so great direction.  But then do I really really care?

 4) Unfortunately there isn't a damn thing we can do about it......nothing......a helplessness that for me, now, is so ingrained that all the pushing I have done to move "forward", to try to live life to see if it makes a difference seems to be one big joke on me.  

I think having children makes a difference to the extent they provide this monument to reason where having birthed a part of you into this world you might feel you would be violating a sacred trust so you must continue with the contract.......I never had children.....so for me I don't have to carry that additional pain.  

Problem is I don't see a way out of this for those who grieve deeply.  Many reasons for it and coping does not necessarily mean we are healing.  I talk it through with the one person my husband chose to watch over me if something happened to him and he gets it and does what he can to keep me alive but I have to say I have been having alot of second thoughts lately about how much I am willing to withstand.  In the beginning, the notion of taking my own life was desperation.  Now it has taken on more a form of determination.  Will I last?  Who knows.  I just know when I hit the hole and start digging it is seeming less and less likely I am willing to put up with the pain.  In all other respects I am a very strong person but this missing him has me whipped.

And yes, Linda, but it seems even the devil wont bargain with me.  

thank you to all of you here.......thank you for listening.......

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 6, 2019 at 7:43am

Hello Everyone,

I can relate to every ones post. I would sell my soul to the Devil if I could have him back in good health.

I find that if I keep busy, the pain is not as bad. I run, do yard work and help my neighbors. I really don't need my friends, they don't want to listen to me talk about my Julian. I share all my thoughts with all of the folks on this forum. You all understand my thoughts and don't judge me. I thank God for every one of you. God Bless

Comment by Elynn m on February 4, 2019 at 11:57pm

Thank you everyone for your response.   I'm just tired of being lonely.   I talk to Joe all of the time, and long for his voice, and wisdom.   I feel so bad that I didn't tell him often enough how special he was.

Comment by M Adams on February 4, 2019 at 5:40pm

Apologies Elynn — just noticed the misspelling of your name, think maybe it was autocorrected in my previous message.  Should have proofread before I added my comment.

Comment by M Adams on February 4, 2019 at 4:06pm

Sorry you’re feeling so lonely, Elena — would it help at all to talk about your husband here, write about him, I mean?  Or is it more a desire to talk about him with people who knew you as a couple?  I know it was very meaningful for me to hear people who knew me and my husband talk about their good memories of him.  

Comment by Elynn m on February 3, 2019 at 11:15pm

I haven't been here in awhile, but have been so lonely.. I try to talk to people  about Joe, but they don't understand.   I guess they really are afraid to ask about him. I've been really depressed lately.     I do have one friend who is very sensitive, and will talk to me about Joe, because she realizes that it is very good therapy.  She talks to me as if Joe were still here.    I consider her my friend, but now she and her husband are moving away, and I'm feeling as though I will be losing another part of me.     It's really sad, at my age, to realize that I have more acquaintances than friends.   It's a lonely life without my wonderful husband.  Yes, he is still with me in spirit, but I do need him here to touch and feel, and talk to.  It will be 3 years and 5 months on February 22nd.  I'm so grateful for this group.  Thank you for letting me vent. And for all of you who know Jesus, I could use some prayer!  

Comment by Monty on February 3, 2019 at 4:55pm

Joe..   that is beautifully said.

I totally understand how children affect our coping with grief and the pain.

Without my children and their needs and emotional support, I think I would be a hollowed out a person in a dark room.

I am still working on "faking it till I make it"  not that I'm sure I'll ever make it but ill keep trying.

linda

as always your images you post a poignant and right on the mark.

thanks for sharing 

to everyone have the best day you can.

regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 3, 2019 at 6:22am

Morgan,

Once again your post tells me what has exactly happened to me. No one will never understand what we are going through. The best way I can explain this others is if they listen to the song "Everyday" by Phil Collins. Today is Superbowl Sunday and Julian and I always had crab legs. It is a bittersweet memory. The last Superbowl we had together he was in the hospital fighting cancer. Of all the ones we saw together, this one will always live with me. I too don't know how I can keep up with agony. Only time will tell.

Comment by morgan on February 2, 2019 at 9:37pm

How long can I last? It getting harder and harder to pretend that I can live this out.   Pretty much everyone I come in contact with is living in the old universe I used to live in.  Their motivations and desires are what mine used to be.  

I cant fake this all the time.  Its becoming way too hard.  I am drained.  When I hit the wall I am paralyzed.   Energy becomes nonexistent.  Crying to exhaustion.  The aftereffects have me needing rest.  This is not anyone's idea of living.  

Its not like it happens all the time but it is pretty much every other day.  I ask my brain why?  Why cant it just accommodate itself to not being able to have him here with me.  My reason knows that he is dead.  But my heart has died.  Its not like I don't know the reasons and the logic of death.  Its just my emotions wont let me live without him.  Every step I take forward I get dragged back three.  And I've taken many many steps forward but I keep getting drawn back those three.

I'm so tired of fighting my heart.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 1, 2019 at 6:15am

Joe,

Thanks for your great explanation of this prayer. I have said it over and over since losing My Julian in 2013. I know I will never recover and don't want to. I know I can never change. All I want is for God to take me to him.  

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