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Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 4:58pm

Sorry for the length!! And the typos, especially his age, he was 47, not 49

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 4:55pm

Hi Fran, hanks for your comments. You know it's peculilar b/c during the first year,maybe even two I was on what I call auto pilot and I did amazingly well. So many things had to be handled and in a timely fashion and everyone from my church gathered around and helped as well as in-laws and his work buddies. They were amazing. I stayed on task and was receiving counseling and never missed church. But time passes and people must return to their libes and assume that you will continue to progress. My counseling ended, I moved and quit going to my church b/c it was over an hour away and haven't gotten plugged into a new one. When I moved my friends dwindled away. Not to be a complainer but I have rhuematoid arthritis and Lupus which has worsened greatly over the past five years which led to me and my boss agreeing I was no longer able to give the time and devotion to my job it deserved, leaving me with no link to society so my depression just gets worse and worse. I can't even believe this is me. I was always so happy. I don't even recognize myself. I am truly blessed as I have two adult children that love me greatly, a 26 yr old dau and 24 yr old son. My dau is married, my son lives with me. I have had to take money out of my IRA to live on and will need to pay penalties and taxes on that. I have no choice ,as it is all the funds I have and have to live. I need to apply for disability which should be a given,yet I continue to procrastinate. Its almost as if I am in self destruct mode and can't seem to stop it. I try to force myself to leave the house, and always back out. I want to tell you I amvery very sorry for your loss you sound like you are doing pretty darn good gurl, do not lose your footing. I want nothing more than to be happy again,to be a good example for my kids and to live like I know my sweetie would want. He would be so upset if he knew how I was. It's as if I can't control it and I know I should be able to make progress. I am a christian,and without my faith I would be dead by now. I know he did not give me a spirit of anxiety or fear, I know this. I am just so stuck. He was my soft place to fall, he was my confident, he was my security. We were married 17 days shy of 25 years and lived togehter four years prior to that, so we literally grew up together. I am grateful God din't allow him to suffer for a long time. He was diagnosed on his 49th bday on aug 26 and died on nov5 of that same year. Such a whirlwind but it was better that way. I dont even know what to say at this point. I just thought maybe I could get on here and make some sense of things yet I feel like I should be the one giving advice as it seems I have been at this longer than the majority on here. I just don't know. Like I say, I did a lot better the first couple of years, I think I was numb.

Comment by Fran on March 3, 2015 at 4:22pm

Janet, you sound like me even tho I'm only entering month 4. We can only take it a day at a time. I've taken to making a list of things I HAVE to do. I've set up automatic bill payments for a lot of things which makes my life easier. I'm lucky in that I have a financial advisor that helped my husband and me for 10 years...he's been wonderful at helping me make plans. He did a lot of the paperwork for me when my husband died. He's going to do my taxes again this year since there is NO WAY I could figure out how. Is there anyone you can ask for help and rely on for, at least, financial stuff.

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 3:43pm

I hate to hear people complain about their spouses. I cry when I see a couple holding hands and to see an elderly couple together rips me up. Anybody else have these feelings? Anybody else here been through five years or more? I feel like I'm supposed to be "better".

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 3:27pm

I miss his laugh
I miss his voice
I miss his chocolate brown eyes
I miss his kiss
I miss hugs,dear God I miss hugs
I miss him walking in he door every day at 4 pm
I mss him calling to tell me he was on his way home
I mss the way he always said I lve you baby at the end of every phone call
I miss his sense of humor
I miss his scratchy moustache
I miss him teaching my son to be a man
I miss cooking him dinner
I miss his snoring,yup, actually miss it
I mss the smell of toululene from the printing press on his clothing
I miss just knowing i am safe and lved
I miss being a wife
I will always be his wife and never ever anyone elses.

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on March 3, 2015 at 3:22pm

Stay strong sis... There will be a day when you finally make it home. Just try to make it through this day... Hold on to the hope and pain, it's who you are now. We will have our day when we're called...

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 3:18pm

I relate so closely to the feeling that taxes,bills,all that stuff is such drudgery. I dont pay bills on time,cant remember the ones I do pay, can't remember which years I filed taxes for. I am a mess!! I want to be better,stronger,happier,less pitiful. I know my husband would never ever want me to live like this and I have got to be a better example for my young adult children. My married daughter is doing so well. My son,however feeds off me. We are two peas in a pod and enable each other. It's not healthy. How am I ever going to pull myself up? I suffer from chronic illness which just makes matters worse. I feel like I'm just whining here. Not sure why I joined,guess I'm grasping ror straws. So so tired of the depression.

Comment by Fran on March 3, 2015 at 10:12am

John, unless someone has been thru what we are living thru, they have no idea! I admit that until it happened to me, I thought grief would only last a month or two. I'm hitting 4 months this week and still feel like I have no real direction, no motivation. One of the reasons I like this site is because we, all, pretty much have the same feelings and issues and as a result support each other. We share the pain.

Comment by Roger on March 2, 2015 at 9:28pm

John, There is always regrets. They are always gone to soon.  There is no price I  wouldn't pay. No amount of work that I wouldn't do. If I could hold my Karla in my arms again. Feel her breath on my neck. Just one more time. I can see that you loved your wife very much. Like I loved my Karla. Karla was the same age as your wife when she died. After a 5 year battle with breast cancer. I could give you a pretty good argument, that its better to go quickly. Than have to suffer through years of chemo, surgeries, radiation, throwing-up, loosing you hair (3 different times).  The fear of knowing you are going to die soon. Hoping and praying all the time a miracle would happen. But the thing is John. There is just NO easy way. What ever the how and why. When you love that person very much. Their death is going to be devastating.  Life changing.  Karla has been gone 2 years now. I am still so in love with her. She is constantly on my mind. I like you, trust in God. I will continue to be here if that is his will. I pray daily for guidance. I want to do the right thing. I believe I am. My one and only goal is to be with my Karla again. Then what has happened here on earth want matter any more. I simply must believe that.  I will keep you in my prayers.             

Comment by Karen T. on February 22, 2015 at 4:13pm

Jon-Paul

I completely understand. Thank you for your answer and help. You are truly a wonderful husband and wife very lucky she got a good one as you are few and far between.

Thank you. :)

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