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Comment by morgan on April 1, 2015 at 1:29am

Tildyc,

You asked earlier about belief and is there an afterlife?  Like George I was brought up Catholic but about 12 I realized it was not my cup of tea.  I needed answers not hanging my hat on some supernatural story that no one could prove.  From the day my husband died I started reading, researching and studying physics because they are trying to prove where we come from and where we go.  This time I was looking for answers that weren't quite readily available but the theories are better than the best of the old Catholic doctrines for me. 

I think space is filled with an energy vibrating at a different level all the time.  Sometimes it comes together to form matter and other times it falls apart. It all depends on the frequency of the vibration.  This "energy" is really information (the consciousness of the universe). Information that our brain processes and spits out what we perceive as reality.  Our brain is sort of a projector screen for the movie, for the information/energy we call reality.  I think string theory and  parallel universes are a plausible idea to help explain the big (classical physics)and the very very small (quantum mechanics).  Much of it has been proven and the universe functions exactly like they have surmised.  My husband and your loved one must be connecting from somewhere in some dimension otherwise why would we feel so strong about their absence. Their energy is still vibrating somewhere.  It must be.  I also think that we were connected at some point before we even met here on this planet.  I think we travelled together in some capacity before we hooked up here otherwise why would I have been so attracted to him here out of all the millions of people I could have been with.  There has to be something that brings that energy together in this physical form and I want to believe that I will be reunited with that energy when I leave this physical body.

 

I would never have studied physics if I wasn't searching so hard for an answer as to why I have been in soooo much pain from my husband's death. But over the past two years it has been the one thing that has made some sense to me as to this thing we call death. 

 

Today I went all day without crying. That is a first in weeks and weeks.  Maybe I'll have a second day too.  That would be a bonus. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and when I read about how we all wonder how we are going to make it through I can only say that when you wake up you end up making it through because your body overules your mind.  It is going to have another day no matter what your mind says.  And days change.  None are the same now.  Crying comes at you like a slingshot.  No rules.  Just coping.

 

Enough for now.  Jus thought I'd throw my two cents in the ring.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on March 31, 2015 at 10:20pm

I am empty!!!

Comment by Tildyc on March 31, 2015 at 9:15pm

Just got back from a dog walk. Here in Southeast Alaska its a rain forest. Just not tropical. Anyways it was pouring-pouring- pouring rain out side when we walked. And on this walk I was thinking... during a walk that it rained like this, either Mark was with me or he was at home making dinner for us. And I remember how cozy and happy I would feel when I got home and dinner smelled so good and the rain was pounding on the roof and we're sitting down to eat and we had each other. It was the most amazing and content feeling. The rain made me happy. This evening– I cried my way thru the rainy walk and I cried when I came home in the rain. Now the overcast skies and the pouring rain make me feel lonely, dark and empty. Nothing feels like it is ever going to be good again.

Comment by Dianne M. on March 31, 2015 at 8:10pm

Tildyc I could have written your post.....we were so happy and had lived a simple life so now we could travel and do things we talked about...I just cant believe he is not here where he is supposed to be. I look around at some of his unfinished projects and have no clue what to do with it or so much of his other stuff....how am I supposed to do all this alone??

Comment by Tildyc on March 31, 2015 at 8:04pm

I just can't figure this out. My life was so happy and full. I was so very content. We didn't require a lot- Mark and I. Just the basics and each other equaled happiness. Whatever Life threw at us we could get through it together. But there's the problem – now he's gone. Every day I come thru the door and a small sad part of me always looks for him. Every single time. Then I sit in my chair and wonder how somebody could be so alive and right here and present and then- within moments they were gone from me forever. A walking breathing loving and amazing human being who was such a huge an important part of me..... Just doesn't exist anymore? How could that be? It feels like there's just got to be some sort of mistake. A mixup.... Just a big misunderstanding and he's going to be home in a minute. I realize that's not the case but that's not what it feels like.

Coming up on two months and it still impossible for me to comprehend what the future is supposed to look like without him?

Comment by George H on March 31, 2015 at 7:51pm

I'm sitting here and realize I have been with Mary since I was 29 years old 37 years I obviously didn't know squat when we got together I was in the music business in the recording business so you know how much


I cared about responsibility but I learned through the years and now I haven't the slightest idea what to do with my life or how to make it another day he was everything to me and now I have nothing but emptiness and darkness not sure what to do about all this counseling seems to be ok for the hour that we do it then I'm right back in this mess agamhow

Comment by Dianne M. on March 31, 2015 at 7:43pm

My husband died so suddenly i didnt even get to say goodbye...I will always regret that day and all the what ifs and why's....The grief group was good tonight but it puts me in a funk mentally. I think of all the things we had planned and wanted to do and now I am here alone. I too have things I can do but things I wont do alone. Staying busy and trying to not become a hermit. I signed up for a class at the local police station that should be really interesting and nothing hubby would have wanted to do. I am slowly going places alone that we went together but it is not easy. But I have to buy groceries and do errands and since we went everywhere together I cant avoid it...

Just so darn hard and sad...

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on March 31, 2015 at 7:38pm

My husband said that he was not afraid to die, but he was disappointed that he would not be able to do all the things he was planning on doing.  I am not disappointed but pissed off that he cannot do all the things that he wanted to do.  There are some things I can do, but there is some that I cannot.

Comment by George H on March 31, 2015 at 6:46pm

today is one of those days or I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the night lots of pain lots of loneliness way too much everything I'm just missing Mary really bad today just oveoverwheow

Comment by Fran on March 31, 2015 at 6:41pm

Sounds like we're pretty much on our own. We will help each other cope and adjust.

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