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Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 2, 2015 at 4:25am

Dear Fellow Bereaved Spouses,

I just joined this forum yesterday and have been reading your  posts. I can relate to so much of what so many of you say here. I lost my wonderful husband, the love of my life, to lung cancer in August 2014. soon it will be eight months since Joseph left this world. The day he died, a part of me died too. No matter what lies ahead of me, even if I heal five years later and become "normal" again, my life will never, never the same again. And that's the life I want to live, the one I shared with Joseph.

We have no children, we moved to Alaska to take up our teaching positions here, and all we had here for the first few years was just the two of us. Over the years we made many friends and belonged to a community, but we were always happiest and the most content when we were alone, in each other's company. It felt so blissful and deeply satisfying. Actually, a year or so before Joseph was diagnosed with his terminal illness, the two of us would often give thanks for having each other, for having found such a deep love. Maybe deep down we felt that our love was too special, too wonderful to last for too long. We are in a relationship for 19 years and married for 14. And yes, the love we shared, like all the spouses on this site, was too magical to last for too long. Sometimes I console myself by saying that I should be grateful for the love I have known because not everyone gets to experience this kind of love, as short-lived as it was. And my sisters tell me that I have a lifetime's worth of beautiful memories to sustain for me the rest of my life. But the utter anguish and pain of losing my soulmate is too great, and sometimes it is difficult to breathe. 

I am glad that there are these online grief support groups where we turn for solace and comfort. Only people who have walked in our shoes know how it really feels to lose a beloved spouse. Others. as well meaning and loving they may be, cannot quite understand the depth of our sorrow and suffering. So here and read and share our stories and we can lean on each other. Just a small comfort knowing there are people out there who can relate and understand.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way, all of you. May peace come to us at some point.

Comment by morgan on April 2, 2015 at 2:08am

(part 2)

My husband was a man of nature.  He was a fisherman and a hunter.  He was a master artist, a creative genius.  He worked with his hands.  He knew about beauty and love and was informed about the most important things in life.  About caring for our environment and most of all he cared about me.  I can only find solace in following the steps science is taking to reveal the intimacy of the universe.  Death reveals nothing.  It is silent. But while we are alive I see science making huge strides in explaining this existence and of death and the immensity of what else is yet to be discovered.  13.7 billion years of the observable universe we must have some other connections to that which is so unimaginable on a purely sub atomic level. But at that level I believe there is an energy of consciousness that is fundamental and we are inextricably linked together.  Much like we must travel this death path now without even knowing each other we know how we each feel.  That is coming from the universal consciousness.  We are linked by that energy.   For me it is not godly but simply a field of energy that is so immense techology is just beginning to scratch the surface. Things like the Hubble telescope have opened our eyes to the cosmos.  We have so much more yet to discover  But it is happening. 

The LHC is going back online soon.  It is happening.  It may not be during my lifetime but science is making huge strides.  There was a time when they thought the earth was flat.  There was a time when flight was considered only for birds.  There was a time when we were tied to phones in our home but never in our pockets.  Our time is yet to come to discover why death is so profound and why and where we go.  But it will be better explained in years to come.  Tonight I will go to sleep and I will “live” in an alternate universe when I go into REM.  I will probably not remember it.  But I will go there.  Maybe my husband will be there.  In the menatime I need to try to understand the chance that he is right beside me only I cannot see him.  The possibility exists.  We just aren’t quite there yet.

 

Comment by morgan on April 2, 2015 at 2:08am

Tildyc,  (part1)

You asked earlier for some more info on the afterlife.  From what I have studied,  physics is forming theories of who and what and how we are here based on math and experimental observations.  Two theories are now established by math and experiment.  One is the classical theory by Einstein E=Mc2.  It is the macro world we see, the large picture, the universe, the stars, planets, people, animals, plants, cars houses etc.  The other is quantam mechanics the study of the tiny world by particle physicists.  It is the micro world of  cells, molecules, atoms, electrons, protons, quarks etc.  It is the world we can only see through the microscope.  Science knows that the quantam world exists and it is revealed to us in the macro world of the reality we visualize.  What they have been trying to do since Einstein died in 1955 is unify the two theories.  Trying to explain how the quantam world becomes the world we see and experience.  They have come up with some ideas they are now trying to prove.  That is where I study to try and understand the connections because somewhere along the line the cells in our body biology come to life in birth and leave when our brain and organs no longer function.  What is it that is instructing us during life? What is it that brings energy to life and dissipates when we die?  How does the brain create our reality? Getting into those kinds of questions is a bit more complicated but is being tested by science.  This is where you can google words or videos that I can provide that will give you a starting point. 

 

I would start with The Elegant Universe with Brian Greene.  There are three separate episodes.  The Fabric of the Cosmos with Brian Greene is also good.  It will give you a very basic overview of physics for the layman.   Several other scientists of other disciplines besides physics are good for their explanations and reach further into other hypotheses.  Stuart Hammeroff who with Roger Penrose have come up with something they call the Orch OR theory is one whichI think is very viable from a biological perspective.  It involves something called microtubules in our body.  Fascinating. 

Then there is John Hagelin who is a physicist who explains the connection that our consciousness has to our reality.  It is another fascinating relationship of mind body with the universal cosmic energy. 

Then David Chalmers has presented the physicists with something called the “hard probem of consciousness”. 

There is so much to learn about fractals, holograms. Parallel universe, M theory, Inflation, String theory, dark energy, dark matter, black holes, higgs boson, Large hadron collider, Fermilab, Pi, quantam entaglement, Shroedingers cat, 11 dimensions, singularity, superposition, and on and on and only by listening to it over and over have I gained any insight.  What I have taken away from it is what you mention you too want.  Answers.  But I want answers that are based on nature.  On the study of what we see around us.  Based on using the most current technology to explore the reaches of the universe and what science can measure and back up with irrefutable mathematical algorithms. 

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on April 2, 2015 at 12:41am

The sorrow and grief has morphed into anger and rage... 

Comment by Tildyc on April 1, 2015 at 11:49pm

I'm so sorry for all the pain we have to go through. And even though I don't know everyone here personally – We are connected. We are sharing the most painful and devastating time of our lives with each other. Some of us have family and friends and some of us do not. But honestly, I truly believe that this is a very lonely and sad journey that we take with no one by our side.. But the connections we make here, in my opinion – are turning out to be a lifeline for me. If it weren't for everyone here – I would be completely alone. Just like m morgan said before – we are kindred now. I find myself checking this site frequently. Every time I am having a hard time dealing with all the pain- I look to you guys for support. No one else really understands me except for all you folks here. And I want everyone to know if you ever need my support, I will be here for you.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 1, 2015 at 10:30pm

Oh Dianne, I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I do most of the work that has to be done for my dad. I don't think that I could do it all, not with my grief being so heavy. If you ever need to talk I'm on here a lot. It's how I keep what little sanity I have left.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 1, 2015 at 10:13pm

I feel the same way John. Sometimes I would get so frustrated with Mark. I live with those regrets everyday. Now I find myself getting the same way with my daddy. I don't want to be that way, but while he is suffering so am I. And I completely understand that it doesn't feel real. I still wake up sometimes and expect to see him beside me. He carried a walking stick and quite often I sleep with it. Seems silly maybe but it gives me some comfort. It's laying here beside me.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 1, 2015 at 10:08pm

My dad has Alzheimers and I dont have any kids or siblings so making sure he is cared for is my job. I have him in a very nice place but it is really hard to see him slipping further and further into the disease. My husband was always a buffer for me. He could distract my dad when he got confused and asked the same questions over and over....I really needed him tonight.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 1, 2015 at 9:52pm

George-I wish I could help. I was in that place Sunday. We all understand and we are here for you.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 1, 2015 at 9:50pm

Yes John T. And just 3 1/2 weeks layers I moved in with my younger sister and our dad. Now I am his primary caregiver. He is on home hospice with a brain tumor. With all of this in just 12 weeks, I spend most days on autopilot. I need a vacation from reality.

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