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Comment by morgan on February 25, 2019 at 10:43pm

PART 2--I’m still so very confused about how what I thought I had was so temporary.  He’s gone, he made some not so good choices and his body failed him at 63.  I’ve debated more times than I would like to admit doing something that would lead me to the same outcome.  It’s not courage.  It’s not pain. I’m not sure there is even a reason.  But I still breathe.  And because I breathe I need to make enough money to stay warm, hopefully in a house, and eat when I feel the urge.  I continue to push myself in what society deems as an acceptable, normal manner and it is a daily struggle. Daily.  
Death is a whole separate level of dealing with life’s adversities and I can only assume we are here to meet the person we were born to be…..our inner selves  Some of us want to meet our inner selves more than others.  I believe we can only do so as much as our brains will allow us to do, and for each of us that is an individual daily struggle.  I’ve met my match shaking hands with death.  It’s been the worst time in my life. Struggling to participate in a universe that I don’t live in anymore but I’ve tried. …. tried to find my inner self.   My success is only seen by me.  I am, my only judge, jury and executioner. 

Life is not the bowl of cherries we expound in our most positive moments.  It is picking our way through the pits, the pitfalls, and taking a deep breath when you find a cherry.  Cherries change though.  Fuckin cherries don’t all grow the same.  Some can be bitter.  Or rotten.  Or full of bugs.

All of this is just to say that I am sorry.  I am sorry about how life treats us.  What the hell is the universe trying to accomplish throwing us into a stinkin bowl of cherries knowing full well what is in there.  I’m tired, exhausted actually.  I keep swimming against the tsunami of stinkin cherries.  I don’t feel much love.  No pill, no pot, nothing can give me back what I had.  But I still stand.  And, I guess, for as long as I do, I need to do what I can to seek out the least bitter cherry I can manage the energy to eat. 

It’s a fucked up world. My beloved knew it when he was alive and I am assuming he is still trying to keep me from the worst of it even while leaving me alone to have to face it myself.  I’m doing the best I know how and can.  I’m trying not to let it beat me to a pulp.  It hasn’t been easy.  In fact, this has probably been the hardest time in my life that I have had to beat anything back and not succumb.  You find out where the support in your life truly comes from, within and without.

Take a look at your life.  What is important.  Really important.  (a loaded word).  The brain is full of tricks and subterfuge.  Dig.  Dig deep.  Clear the clutter.  Stop the pretension.  I have found the smallest teeniest light to help me in building the rainbow that Greg left me with.  I haven’t given in yet.  But if you are reading this and not getting some kind of revelation then his death for me is in vain.  Do it for yourselves.  That’s all I ask.  Spend more time with the important stuff and less with the crap.

Today I grieve heavily.  Tomorrow I may very well grieve just the same, as my personal burden of loss seems overwhelmingly heavy.  But I wish upon the very same stars from which we came that somehow, some way each of us channels more of the energy of light not of darkness.  Me too.  I know that as much as what I perceive my own value to be nothing without HIM, I am still a light that appears in the sky.  The most I can say is I keep trying to shine as brightly as I can.  For that I deserve credit and I will take it for what it is worth as it is only upon myself for which I build the rainbow.

Comment by morgan on February 25, 2019 at 10:41pm

PART 1--I was going through old emails and ran across the following that I wrote  to some of my friends and family three years ago on the death date of my beloved, Jan 21 2016.    It reminds me of how hard this has all been and how I struggle to still find something/ anything that helps. I will split it into two posts because it is too long.  I hope maybe it will give an idea of how hard this still is.
Part 1:
I sit here today reflecting…….my brain in overdrive thinking, thinking about loss.

How devastatingly incomprehensible is loss.  For to have loss we must have had attachment. But then isn’t that what we are supposed to do?  Have attachment?

We have it for every good and bad thing in our life.  We attach, each of us choose certain things to attach to.  It could be something as important as family and friends or something as inconsequential as jewelry and nice clothes.  But we attach or shall I say we ascribe significance to it. 

Think of the possibilities in every day we have the choice of attaching to.  Food.  A means of transportation.  Another person.  Work.  Sport. Even less visceral more surreal positions of mind like justice or equality or religion.  But we attach to them.  Even down to the vibration of a note, we attach a lot of signficance sometime to a certain type of music. 

So where am I going with this?   What’s my point?

I think it comes back round to a day three years ago today that I lost everything.  To me, my beloved was everything.  Never having had children I poured everything I had into one something.  Him. Our home was nice and comforting but I have since come to understand that it’s not about location.  It’s only a house until there are people who occupy it with love and then it is a home.  Family, good friends.   We can drive in a fancy car, talk on a smarter-than-us phone and work ourselves to exhaustion but it is only significant when we finally attach to those who love us.  Family, friends.  Those who we love are always at the end point of that line of “getting there” of attachment. 

It’s why loss is so profound.  I can’t know if having had children would have made this three year journey any different.  Less exhausting.   I do know I have felt that no matter what others may have tried to do for me I still felt abandoned.  As though there is nothing in my life that will fill the gap.  A huge void.  I have tried valiantly to fill it.  I lost a 24/7 connection to the one thing I had built my life on.  With as many good choices as I can draw upon now I have limited energy to do so.  I use retail therapy as my bulwark.  I have rehabbed a couple homes with my guardian angel’s help and I have provided myself more time to push myself away from loss.  And I have not made all good choices.  I have pushed most people away.  I have practiced self harm in the form of starving myself.  Those are the “not so good choices.”  I have no faith so I have turned to the universe and studied all I can understand about the mechanics of how we have come to be here on this small blue dot.  How our brains seemingly make decisions without any real influence from within at times.  How we live this life out in a schematic of such a large, grand, finely tuned design.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 24, 2019 at 3:14pm

Hi Joe,

Even though there are 364 members, the only ones who post are like you and I plus a few others. We cannot find a purpose for living. I do feel that the folks who do post lost their true soulmate in life.

Comment by Nancy on February 24, 2019 at 10:44am

Hello Joe. I lost my husband May 10 2017. I do read all the comments posted but rarely comment. It always makes me feel better to know I am not alone in my grief and unlike some people, I am not able to " move on". I know he is out there somewhere and he was my true soulmate. I just go through life's motions and work long hours to keep occupied. I long to be with him again.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 16, 2019 at 6:13am

Monty,

For some of us, we will always remain out of sync with the rest of world.

We, like myself. live in our own universe.

Comment by Monty on February 16, 2019 at 2:36am

i feel like telling the world to go FOXTROX OSCAR !!!

dam auto corect..

sorry

Comment by Monty on February 16, 2019 at 2:35am

some days it seems so hard..

my life seems to have become so disjointed and out of sync with the rest of the world that we live in

even when your father believes that its harder to lose a partner to divorce that to lose you partner to death.

I feel so cross and upset that i feel like i want to play heavy rock very loud to make other people aware of how much pain i feel every day.

i feel like telling the work to go FOXTROX OSCAR !!!

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 15, 2019 at 4:18am

Monty,

I m sure everyone on our forum had a very bad day. I just kept myself very busy all. Since I live in Florida and it is in the 70's I worked outside all day long. I feel Julian is with when I am outside. He knew I just loved the outdoors and I do find some peace. 

Comment by Monty on February 14, 2019 at 3:20pm

Hi All

i dont know why but this morning for no reason i got very sad and begain crying.

i had to pull over..

its not going to great day

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 14, 2019 at 2:38pm

Trina,

It is so true, my Julian and I celebrated everyday of our life together like you an Joseph. We were Blessed.

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