Comment

Comment by bluebird on March 12, 2019 at 7:56pm

morgan,
I understand. I do worry that perhaps there is no afterlife, but ceasing to exist altogether would still be better than this life, for me. I just hope that whatever kills me is quick and painless. I do worry about my family, though, as I know my death will hurt them.

Comment by morgan on March 12, 2019 at 7:45pm

Bluebird, I remember reading about "broken heart" syndrome and wishing that I too would succumb.  Instead here I am today still wishing ANYTHING would take me to the other universe and hoping it is quick, painless and soon.  But then it doesn't seem the universe is paying any attention.  I don't know why.  I plead with it pretty much daily.  As days pass I am discouraged that I am not yet a casualty of something but I keep hoping.  Its pretty much the only thing that really matters........my own death.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 12, 2019 at 3:42pm

Hi Joe,

Hope everything works out for you as you wish and hope they will for yourself. I'm sending prayers so that you are comfortable--physically and emotionally--as you go through your decision not to get treatment.

I, too, have not seen a doctor (I get dental care and see an eye doctor  as I have a family history of glaucoma) since Joseph died, and like you, I wish to live out my natural life naturally, without medical intervention to extend my life should I be diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I wish you peace and also sending thoughts of peace to your family.

Best wishes, Trina

Comment by bluebird on March 12, 2019 at 1:39pm

morgan,
I thought and hoped that broken heart syndrome would kill me quickly, too. My heart was and is broken, so why didn't it??

Comment by morgan on March 12, 2019 at 12:55pm

Joe,  Its stress related for sure.  
I have found over the years that the "shell shock" of the trauma induced event of my spouse dying has done a number on my immune system.  I was a a yoga, holistic-balanced, strong, individual before Jan 21, 2013.  At the six month mark I started smelling burning wires.  I am sure it was my neural fiber network burning.  After several months that stopped.  At about the year mark I started getting terrible pains in my right knee where I could barely step on the gas pedal without excruciating pain.  Walking became so difficult I need up on crutches.  A PCP diagnosed it as bursitis.  When it finally got to the point where I said I needed to really get a scan turns out I have been diagnosed with extensive rheumatoid arthritis.  Another result of the compromised immune system.  At the six-year mark (or thereabouts) it has now moved into my hips particularly the left one where it is becoming impossible to sleep without the constant waking to the pain.  Sleeping on my side or back does not seem to make a difference.  Weirdly the pain in my knee has diminished quite a bit but will flare at times.  I lost 30 pounds right after my husband died and now sit at around 105 pounds.  I never gained it back and I have learned to eat at least one decent meal a day.  But the GERD and reflux plague me at times.
All of which is to say there is nothing wrong with me.  I am experiencing the backlash of the trauma that my brain is still valiantly trying to wrap its head around while deep down inside I know it will never be solved.  Not until I die and rejoin the spirit of my husband.  
I have conversations daily with different people, too few who can understand the depth of what this kind of shock can dispense.  I know full well that their solutions will not be the cure for my current state.  I have had a connection with the only energy that made this earthly life purposeful.  I know the solution and I only abide what I have to do now because my physical body has yet to give up.  I am still not sure whether I might try to beat it to the punch as there are meltdowns that still happen on a regular enough basis for me to desire an end to this kind of suffering.  Nothing compares.  But for now, we can all hope that the universe sees fit for us to travel to the next level sooner.  Seems really strange to say to someone I don't even know that I hope your physical test results come back with a terminal diagnosis but I have the feeling you're not going to be that lucky.  But I can wish it for you.  I do for myself daily.......I thought for sure back in the early years that I was a perfect candidate for "broken heart" syndrome as I googled that way back when.  Too bad it never took me.  I think I was still too physically fit for it to grab hold.  I still keep wondering what I can do to hasten the process even with all the issues I have begun to have because it just doesn’t seem to be enough just yet….but I can keep hoping.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 12, 2019 at 6:00am

Hi Joe,

I haven't seen a doctor for the last 12 years and I never will. If I get a disease I will not treat it. My friends think I am crazy but they do not know what I have been and still are going through. My life is mine and not theirs.  

Comment by Monty on March 11, 2019 at 8:56pm

Hi Joe

I hope all geos they way you wish.

best of luck

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 5, 2019 at 1:13pm

Hi Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss Just wanted to let you know that I am part of our group and it is the best support I ever had since losing my Husband, Julian 5/13. I don't know what I would had done without these Angels of God.

Comment by morgan on March 3, 2019 at 7:37pm

Oh yes, Lisa.....the guilt.   The power of thinking that somehow we could have changed the outcome "if only".  Or that we are supposed to punish ourselves because that way we can feel better about the loss.  That something we hold so secure and sacred should have been ours to protect forever and how can we rationalize that we are no longer the protectors?
 This is a place where each and every one of us has asked your question and a million others.  Pretty sure you have also visited some of those other questions.  The problem is there are no answers.  Our love took those answers with them.  Joe has probably had one of the better experiences (his OBE) to assure us that there is hope for some kind of redemption/explanation but it requires us to wait.  That is our burden, our pain, our purgatory.  
There isn't one of us who come here on a regular basis, whether ew post often or not, that has found a way to get over this.  We move the pain around alot.  We share here to help each other get through the worst of times and support when we just read so we know we aren't crazy or that somehow we are supposed to "get over" it.  
I found my husband on the floor on the morning we were supposed to go for the first visit to the oncologist as to whether he was a candidate for chemo/radiation.  I thought I needed to shower and get ready and by the time I finished and I went to get ready to go he had fallen off the toilet and the doctors said his vagus nerve had him black out.  To this day I try to forgive myself for not being there for him.  I have not found a way to forgive myself but I push it away the best I can and hope that my own time comes soon.  It’s been a very long six years.  Reflecting on the time that has passed has been even more brutal as to how I manage to stay afloat but I try to keep on trying.
I read here every day and I post when I can or when I have to because I am falling apart.  Everyone here understands the depth of the hole we have fallen into and how impossible every day is to survive.  Most of us don't want to survive but most of us for reasons we hold to will wait for our natural end.  I will admit I am not sure how much I am willing to endure and if it wasn't for one good friend who keeps me going I'm not sure I would still be here.  
As Joe suggests...try to find that someone.  And come here. You are in the earliest of times of your raw grief and right now you can only manage baby steps. Small steps to try and cope with all the feelings. In the beginning I was lucky to get a shower and something to eat on any kind of regular basis even while I was having to sell our home and keep working at my full time job. I won’t go into what I have learned and what has transpired for the six years I have been attempting to deal with the loss of my beloved but just know you will find the best of support when all else seems to escape you right here. We are the family you would never have imagined you might need. But we are here……..take care the best you can.

Comment by Monty on March 3, 2019 at 7:13pm

Hi Lisa

I'm so sorry for your loss and that pain you're going through. I could only imagine how you may feel.

guilt and self-blame can be such a horrible emotion to deal with, it has the propensity to eat a person up from the inside.

My personal view is as you mentioned in your post that you didn't notice the text till later. I would not blame yourself for.

I too was away when my wife first fell ill (work conference).

I decided that had I been there the likely hood of the situation being much different was rather small.  and the impact of beating my self up over not being there when she first fell ill would be immense on me and my children.

my opinion is that coping with grief is such an overwhelming situation that I should NOT make it harder on myself than it is already.

every person is different and every situation is different.

I wish you all the best 

please have the best day you can.

Kind Regards Monty

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