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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 17, 2019 at 6:34am

Hello Friend's,

Big Deal, It's St. Patrick's Day. All is does to me is relieve my Husband's death. In 2013 he passed away 2 months after St. Patrick's Day. We did go out to dinner together put he was in so much pain we had to leave the restaurant. I hate the f _ _ _ _ _ g cancer that took him. I have attached two pictures one year before his death he was a vibrant man and 1 year later this devil's disease wasted his body to nothing. 

Comment by morgan on March 16, 2019 at 10:34pm

Marita,

Yes, we all pretty much have found that grief is not a bump on the head.  It is a ripping apart of a quantum soul.  For me it has become an all encompassing desire to plead with the universe to take me.  I do it as I have now managed to function a bit better in everyday life but the sooner I can escape this drudgery the better.  I just don't need anything more.  I know lots of people think life is so precious and at one time so did I.  Now its just a ball and chain. Never thought I could feel this way but its truth.  And I so empathize when I see others who are having a hard time with it all.  Mainly because I know my own meltdowns are not too far off in the future.  They hit when they damn well please.  I've just gotten better at recognizing/admitting that this is how things are and going to be.  Doesn't matter that others don't see it that way.  It's only because my husband is gone and I think he wants me with him.  The question is.......how do I get there?  

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 16, 2019 at 6:05am

Hi Joe,

Same as you if I am not posting anymore God has finally taken me. It will be a joyous day.

Comment by Marita on March 15, 2019 at 3:49pm

Hi Joe,

My heart ached for you when I read of your breakdown day.  We feel your intense pain and heartache.  Over time we become so adept at carrying our grief, stuffing it and hiding it.  Yet so many times we become so overwhelmed by it that the dam breaks and the tears flow everywhere. Every breath, every heart beat without the love of our life hurts. This ever present ache will be our companion until our last breath. I hope today is a better one for you.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 15, 2019 at 5:44am

Hi Joe,

So sorry to hear about your day. My doctor was the same way with me when I had a breakdown, he could have cared less. Thank God for our friends here who truly understand.

Comment by Monty on March 14, 2019 at 5:22pm

Hi Joe

so sorry that your day is worse that usual. hope it gets better (less bad).

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 14, 2019 at 4:56pm

Joe, So sorry to hear that you are having an extraordinarily bad day... This is the life for us after we are left here in this world without the love of our life beside us.

Comment by bluebird on March 14, 2019 at 3:19pm

"I usually feel like I'm in hell but on days like this, hell must have a basement cause that's where I'm at right now. "

Very well said, an unfortunately so true. I think we've all been there, or are there.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 13, 2019 at 6:24am

Hello Friends,

Again you all have posted the same thoughts that I have. My sweet little dog Babie J keeps me alive. I am only staying alive for her now. She is 14 years and is my rock right now. I have decided when she goes over the rainbow bridge I will end everything medically. I am in good physical health but the mental part is very sick. I do have medicare and will cease my co-pay and will also stop my prescription pills and just keep hoping I will end this Hellon earth. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 12, 2019 at 8:04pm

Joe,

Thank you for responding to me and more so for sharing the bit about glaucoma. Soon after Joseph died, I had gone for a prescription for eye glasses and was told by the ophthalmologist after he ran tests that I was a high risk person for glaucoma (one of my aunts is blind). I was terrified by the news especially as Joseph had passed recently and the last thing I wanted was to face was life with blindness to add to my utter misery. So again, thank you for your reassuring words: that you were diagnosed with glaucoma forty years ago and your vision is still okay. What a relief!

After Joseph's passing I had been praying constantly for my own death, so when I got the glaucoma diagnosis, being a person of faith, I took it as a sign-- a punishment so to speak--for praying for my own death. I took it as a sign saying that if I think this is bad without Joseph, then it can get even worse, that not only will I not die soon, but I will live for another 20-30 years with blindness. I still pray for my death, but to that I have added that however long I may have to live, whether it is one more year, or twenty more years, please may it be that I have all my mental and physical faculties intact. It's all so complicated...

Best regards, Trina

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