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Comment by lost on April 14, 2015 at 1:19am

I hate the nights..,,.the silence.....his silence. I can't stand the loneliness. I have nothing to live for. Nothing. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only death.

Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 11:54pm

JohnT- The yoyo stage.  Great metaphor.  You really have a knack for giving us a good visceral explanation of what is going on for you. I think it is a good thing.  I don't think it is good you have to feel this way but being able to explain it,  I think the rest of us can easily relate and I think that helps.  

I am a great one to want to analyze why I am feeling the way I do.  I'm not sure it is beneficial if I overdo it but I think I need to try and beat down a bit of a path in my intellectual brain to help my emotional self find some footing.  It has been a journey from hell and I think we all want relief from this pain and no matter the amount of discussion it remains the same.  The universe has dealt us the card we are unable to explain.  No answers.  Just feeling.  Raw and primal.  

I want for each of us to find some little bit of understanding.  It sure would bring some comfort.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 13, 2015 at 10:12pm

I haven't been able to go to the cemetery since Mark's burial. He is buried in a cemetery an hour and a half away. Is it strange that going onto find a grave and looking at his marker gives me comfort? It's the only way I've seen it.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 13, 2015 at 10:05pm

I miss Mark!

Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 9:58pm

George-  How are you holding up?  Have you been able to eat anything?    You always seem to be able to sum up how we all feel in a few words.  If there is anything that we all feel is we hate this.  I want to figure out the whys but the point is simple.  We wish our loved one was sitting right next to us.  Why death?  Why do we have to go through death?  

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 9:39pm

M morgan – actually it's still fairly early in Alaska right now but – I'm waiting for what used to be one of "our" favorite shows- the Voice. So I guess I better pour myself a glass of wine for it. :/

I'm drinking wine more than I used to. I mean I've always drank wine.. Just a little more than I used to right now.

The doctor gave me antianxiety and antidepressant which I tried but – I stopped taking them because they didn't help and they didn't make me feel good at all.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 13, 2015 at 9:21pm

I find it hard to go anywhere either. Since we went everywhere together just shopping for groceries is bad....bed bath and beyond over the weekend started a crying fit in the car which started a crying fit in my neighbors arms when she asked how I was doing.....What a mess this all is.

Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 9:18pm

Nancy & Diane,  My husband wasn't much for tv he liked to read but the one show we would watch was House Hunters on hgtv.  I cannot watch it.  I will never watch it again.  That is how this affects us.  We cant even watch a tv show.  

Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 9:14pm

Oh geez, Tildyc,  are you living in my mind? I was sitting here watching the Voice and one of the songs just pulled that trigger and boom!  Crying my eyes out.  At the same time the one friend who checks in on me called.  And what do I explain? Exactly what you just said,,,, "My Life has lost all meaning. I force myself to try and go be social sometimes. And it's always pure torture. No matter what I'm doing something reminds me of Mark and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. What am I supposed to do with this kind of life? It's extremely empty and has no hope. I realize I sound like a broken record sometimes but – I just don't know what to do anymore."

I explained to my friend that I just cant keep doing this.  I am beating myself up.  He said I need drugs. I said pills wont hold me in their arms.  Pills wont be there to talk to.  He just thinks my brain could use drugs to balance some chemicals.  This isn't chemical it's physical.  

I just cant find any reason to keep doing this.   I have tried so hard to manage by doing so many things.  I've kept pushing myself to accomplish small steps.  And I have.  But why? I visit my exit solution and cant do that either.  I was ok until I heard that song.  

Problem is I never know what is going to set it off and so am I supposed to not listen to TV, use a computer, go to a store, hear a song in order to not end up in a hole at some point during a day?  Yes, it is less but I am feeling so beat up because this happens at least once a day and I never know from what angle it is going to come.  

I'm worn out.

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 8:34pm

I don't know what to do. I don't want to live this life. All I can do is sit in my chairafter work and then go walk the dogs and then come home and watch the TV again and go to bed and go to work again. My Life has lost all meaning. I force myself to try and go be social sometimes. And it's always pure torture. No matter what I'm doing something reminds me of Mark and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. What am I supposed to do with this kind of life? It's extremely empty and has no hope. I realize I sound like a broken record sometimes but – I just don't know what to do anymore.

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