Comment

Comment by bluebird on April 15, 2015 at 6:25pm

Trina, Nancy, and everyone else, I agree with the things you are saying.  I have come to realize that some people are not as bonded with their spouses/partners as I am, and as you apparently are as well. They would of course be sad and upset if their spouses/partners died, but they would see a life for themselves at some point beyond the death of their spouse/partner, whereas for me there is no such life, and I don't want there to be. I am fucking done. 

Nancy, as you said, if my husband could communicate with me, at least I would feel a tiny bit better, as I would know that he still exists and is ok and is himself, and that we would be together again. I would still want to die as soon as possible -- nothing is going to change that -- but I would at least know that I would be with him when I did. That god, if there is one, does not allow all of us, every human on this earth, to know that beyond any shadow of a doubt, to me indicates that either there is no god, or that s/he is cruel and capricious, or that s/he has no power -- none of which are good.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 15, 2015 at 1:05pm

I took apart his computer today. I didnt even turn it on. Just put it in the basement. Looking at it made me sad and now that it is gone I am more sad. There is no good in any of this.

I would like to go one day without having a meltdown.

Found another grief group but it seems that they all take the summer off. Guess I wont need any grief support until fall...NOT...so still looking around. I just need people to talk to. I sit here alone and get in the worst funk.

I have everything ready to sell our RV...that makes me so sad too. The trips we had planned that will never happen.

Why did this have to happen???

Comment by Tildyc on April 15, 2015 at 12:02am

Jeez- sus.... I can't take this $#\£ anymore!

Comment by Tildyc on April 14, 2015 at 11:54pm

About two weeks ago, I was at work in my truck and I saw Mark's son walking up the street. Thank goodness he did not see me because I just started crying when I saw him. I've been trying to be strong whenever I'm around him. He's such a great guy, he's only 14. He has always carried himself so confidently. But when I looked at him and he was alone walking up that street – his head was down his shoulders were sloped and I could tell that he was hurting. Why why why did we have to lose him? There is no explanation to this hell in which we are trying to live now.

Comment by morgan on April 14, 2015 at 11:49pm

PART 2

Sandy- Oh, dear, I wish for anything I could be there just to provide a face you could talk to and express how terrible you are feeling.  I remember all too well feeding my husband a part of a popsicle.  Oh dear,  I am so sorry your dad is at that point.  Tell him your friends here will help you and tell him once more you love him.  So sorry.

JohnT- I remember ending up in the freezer aisle pressing my body into a corner face pressed against the edge of a cold case weeping and weeping.  Those days I wept, now it is a different sound.  Spent a good fifteen minutes  there and then barely made it towards another area and ended up weeping again.  At that point I realized food was unimportant and pointed myself in the direction of a door and went to my truck and wailed.  I don't want to say it wont happen again but I can now go into a supermarket and at least get myself groceries but I didn't feel comfortable doing it for at least a year or so.  How it is that such a feeling overtakes us doing something that seems so innocuous is beyond all explanation but it happens.  I will say there will be a time when you can do it but I have also changed all my eating habits so I choose different foods now. No one dreams that it could be so hard to go to a store we have gone to a million times but it is.  No one can imagine any of this.  But then we live in a different world now. On day one you stepped out of the old one and into this one.  You are not the same person.  It seems so simple to say but its so friggin hard to live. Take care but crying it out I think helps.  

Comment by morgan on April 14, 2015 at 11:49pm

I haven't cried all day.  Unbelievable.  I am so beat down by the crying I think my body is just saying enough unless I want to self implode. Which in my mind I still want to do but my body continues to get up every morning.  Is it so bad to say I can't wait for the morning when I don't wake up?  

My mind still says that this is not where I want to be.  I just spent two hours on the phone with a good girlfriend from high school (46 years ago) and we talked about spirituality and physics and love and the universe and energy and I didn't break down.  I think I didn't break down because I am becoming more convinced that 1) I am sure I want to die 2) nothing matters but I don't think I can take my life 3) the reality of all of this is so hard to explain or stomach that I have resigned myself to ongoing pain 4) I have found a place where I don't feel alone in my feelings because I see that other people are feeling the same way which 5) makes me feel that there is something going on that even though we don't understand it the intensity with which we feel our loved one means they cant be too far away from us and 6) I have to believe that or I would have to be locked up.

It's cruel to even think that I am grateful to hear how others are feeling because I do not want anyone to have to feel this but at the same time the loneliness, the missing, the crying that happens anywhere and everywhere are so familiar and so I end up reading hoping I'll find a solution but more and more I am realizing that whatever is left of this existence of mine is only going to be half a life.  I'll live half a life because of biology but thats it. No one is going to make me like it and I am determined to do what I can to quicken the time spent.  

Nancy- I'm much more brutal. I ask people if they really want to know how I am feeling and then I tell them my husband died.  Makes them think.  I need for them to think.

Dianne- yes, ripping us to shreds.  And grief group helps but like you I wonder if its only held at certain times do they think we quit grieving?  I mean really?

Trina- Yes, it is incurable. Yes, it makes us ill and yes, it is more than miserable.  Dying is preferable.

George- a grief group will help even if only a little bit.  I wept through the ones I went to early on but I realized how pain can be shared.  

Tildyc- Looking for answers to the big why?  I feel that's a lot like getting on a skateboard and taking to the highest hill in traffic and trying to skate between cars going 60mph.  What we get is a pile up and we are at the bottom.  Like Nancy said if only they could communicate even if they were absent we could avoid being at the bottom of the pileup.  I wish.

Comment by Tildyc on April 14, 2015 at 11:45pm

Every time the neighbor starts their car up or somebody pulls up across the street – the dogs wake up and stare with their ears forward. They think that may be their dad's finally home now. It breaks my heart.

Comment by Tildyc on April 14, 2015 at 11:08pm

I went for a drive today around our little island. I drove the road that overlooks the ocean where the boats come in from fishing- into the harbor. And I remembered when Mark and I were coming back to town after being gone for three straight months fishing that summer. We were tired and exhausted and needed showers. We where almost home. But then I saw a pod of killer whales and I was very excited to see them. I have been trying to get close to them all summer, everywhere that we went. So Mark turned his boat around and did several large circles with the pod so that I could see them. It was beyond amazing. We were exhausted and low on fuel but he knew how badly I wanted to be able to do that.

What a loving and amazing man. And now I'm supposed to live a life without him in it? It's not even possible. Unfathomable. I just can't. I don't know how to live without him. These memories are supposed to bring me happiness they say – but it just makes my heart ache all the more for him. Perhaps someday that will be true. But the thought that I will never have those experiences with him ever again- sends me into a downward dark spiral. I futilely cry and beg for him to come back to me. Which I realize is so pathetic. Which only deepens my grief.

And that's so true – it feels like a horrible disease. My stomach and my chest hurt all the time- it's like a great big heavy weight in there. I've cried so much that my throat is always raw and my nose is always sore. My jaw aches and my eyes are always puffy. I don't get enough sleep and my body is always always aching.

Mercy, I give up – Uncle.... Wth??! Just bring me to mark please.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 14, 2015 at 8:58pm

Yep Nancy...I kissed my husband goodbye to go to surgery and the next time I saw him he was dead. I will never forget how he looked....It is ripping me up inside. How could someone in good physical shape just have a heart attack?? I will never understand.

Comment by Nancy on April 14, 2015 at 8:51pm

People keep asking how I'm doing. I make up something every time, but it's never the truth. Awful? How about awful? How about the best thing that ever walked into my world is now missing and some days I'm amazed I can put my clothes on right? It wouldn't be so bad if he was just physically absent but he could still communicate with me. That might be tolerable. But here one day and silent and gone the next? Torture. Daily torture.

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