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Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 19, 2019 at 5:43pm

Morgan,

What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule:

"My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up hitting a trigger early and cry.  If I go slow I can try to avoid the crying at least until I hit something later in the day."

I can't go to bed earlier than 2 or 3 AM, and finally when I wake up around noon, I am in a zombie-like stupor, not wanting to face this grey and cheerless world without my darling Joseph. Everyday it is awful.

The Ides of March--March 15th--was Joseph's birthday. I had planned to stay hidden under the covers all day, but a former student of Joseph and mine emailed me out of the blue on the 14th and said she was coming into town the next day and would I please meet up with her as she remembers Joseph and me fondly to this day.

I took this as a sign from Joseph for me to go out and to have a bearable day on his birthday. I took the student to dinner and it was a bittersweet evening for the two of us reminiscing about Joseph, the classes he taught and the impact he made on many young lives. The student was so sweet and understanding; very mature way beyond her years. I made it through the day without a major breakdown. But it is taking me three-four days now to recuperate from the enormous effort I put to be brave on Joseph's birthday. Such is life for us: having to make it day after day and waiting for that day when it will all be finally over and we can be free of this pain and suffering, and meet up with our beloved soulmate.

Morgan, be well, and please know I am sending you good, healing thoughts. 

Hugs, Trina 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 19, 2019 at 5:26pm

Hi Marita, 

I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again. So who knows, perhaps before too long you, too, will be doing charity runs to honor the memory of your beloved husband. Hugs, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 19, 2019 at 5:22pm

Linda,

This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! 

Comment by Marita on March 19, 2019 at 4:35pm

Linda,

That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too emotionally painful so I quit. I have started running a little in the past month so will see where that takes me.

Comment by Monty on March 19, 2019 at 4:26pm

Hi Morgan 

thanks vor you very kind words.  my boys are biologically adult but through their disability, they are about early teenagers intellectually with some physical disabilities as well.

they are good boys and they are improving them as I challenge them to improve their life skills.

the widower's group that I go to is very good and have gotten some great advice and support from them.

Hey, Joe

thanks for your kind words.

we all find we do what we must.  for me I've grown up with the boys so for me it's just life. 

I can understand only doing what you need to do, I end up watching too much Netflix when I have done what I absolutely needed to for the day.

sharing here really does help.

thanks to all 

have the best day you can

Comment by Monty on March 19, 2019 at 4:05pm

Wow, Linda.

that is fantastic.   I don't think I could run 5 meters

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 19, 2019 at 3:11pm

Hi All,

This is now I cope with the loss of MY BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOULMATE JULIAN. I run marathons in his honor, it keeps me going. I ran 26.2 miles in his memory at 65.

Comment by morgan on March 18, 2019 at 9:50pm

I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and pretending like I give a damn about doing what I see ahead of me.  I feel like such a fraud.  Not because I am masking my true feelings as much as I just hate having to keep going forward.  If I say to someone how happy I would be to exit they look at me like I'm crazy.  

Why is this so intolerable?  Why can't I find anything to grab ahold of and be able to find some peace for my soul?  As I write this tonight I am having another rough time.  Just the same old struggle of feeling so alone.  Of wanting to have my husband be more than the picture in the frame.  Of knowing I don't really feel there is anything to keep me pursuing more time when time is a palette of cement blocks I have to keep dragging around.  

And yes Marita, I do dread my existence and yes, the only good thing is that It is one day closer to my own death, one way or another. 

Monty,  I feel for you.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to do this with children.  I want it to be easier for you than me because your children need your guidance. It sounds like they are younger.  I hope you can find a local group to help share some of the burden you carry.  Or something somehow that includes your children.  Not ever being a parent I cant think of what that would be but I can wish that you find an outlet.  And we are always here for each of us.....

Joe,  eating and sleeping are two of the routines which become relevant only when either become absolutely necessary.  I remember when my habits when my husband was alive were at least pretty regular.  After his death it took me a good five years to get to the point where I make a halfway decent dinner.  And sleeping is still very erratic.  I know a lot of people on here take stuff to help them sleep.  My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up hitting a trigger early and cry.  If I go slow I can try to avoid the crying at least until I hit something later in the day.  

The scary part is because you cant imagine feeling so crappy for years......welcome to the club.  And I mean that in the most compassionate way.........

Comment by Monty on March 17, 2019 at 4:53pm

hi all

Joe.  I hope today is better than the other day.

Marita. I to am still putting on a smiley face and trying to not feel too much as feeling anything makes me sad and cry.

I've been trying to look at getting involved with a social group.

I wish to find a way to be happier if for nothing else but to show my children that it's possible to be happy after losing a loved one.

unfortunately, even if I wanted to get into a social group I would need to employ sitters for the children or take them with me.

I am trying to be involved in a social group, but it's hard.

hard to keep the smiley face on

hard to find time and energy to get out and be involved.

life is just hard.

my aunty died on Tuesday.

I wished to attend the funeral to support my uncle and my cousins.

unfortunately between work the children and the travel costs and time I am unable to.

I feel bad that I will not be able to be there for him as a fellow widower but as there seems to be this gigantic rift after my mothers and fathers divorce I feel going and not being welcome would just make me angry.

life seems so messed up

I'm sorry for dumping in here, but even my parents believe that I should move on.

it's so sad that I can talk openly about this grief and my feelings when my family can't hear it.

and thanks for being able to hear it.

I wish everyone has the best day they can

 

Regards Monty

 

Comment by Marita on March 17, 2019 at 3:05pm

When your ‘life force’ is taken away from you there is no will to go on.  It will be 5 years for me soon and many people think my grief has subsided as I seem to be functioning better, but as I said earlier we just become more adept at hiding it. It takes so much energy and effort to wear this mask that I find it easier to isolate myself and, like Alice, I don’t have closeness to anyone. I will never be the person I used to be - grief has stolen that from me. That person staring back at me in the mirror is unrecognizable.  As Morgan perceptibly says grief is “a ripping apart of a quantum soul.”  So I wake up each day dreading my existence, yet thankful that it’s another day closer to my end.

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