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Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 11:38pm

Been a terrible night. Can't stop crying. I keep going back to the night my baby died. His Beautiful eyes look so frightened. And then the next time I looked into his eyes – they were blank and he was gone. It's so horrifying and heartbreaking.

Which brings me back to that unbelievable concept that I'm having such a hard time with- How The the hell can a loving, living, warm and amazing human being be there one moment and then all the sudden just be gone forever?!? He's suppose to be here with me. I need him in my life. My heart and soul just does not get it.

Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 11:10pm

Nancy- yes I find myself checking this site several times a day. Even at work. Nothing else seems to help at all. Not counseling or medication. And though it does not stop the agony, it does help A little to know that we are not completely alone in this darkness.

And as far as that home-improvement stuff goes – there is a so much that REALLY NEEDS to be addressed that we were planning on taking care of. But he died unexpectedly and these things did not get done. My income was cut in half when Mark left and so I don't have the means financially to fix things now. And I don't know how to do these things by myself. Just reason 1 million why life sucks without him.

Comment by Nancy on April 19, 2015 at 10:36pm

I went to a gathering tonight, I hadn't been since before Will passed. I just found very little joy in it. I actually found myself coming to this website at down times to see what everyone on here was doing/feeling. I hate that I don't enjoy anything anymore. I didn't particularly care about too many things before my husband died, but now I REALLY don't care. And I hate that even though Will was clearly going downhill, he still refused to acknowledge it and help me finish up legal stuff and help me figure out what to do going forward. It would be easier if we had talked about what to do with the cars, or if we had decided on home improvement projects that needed to be done. I hate having to make all these decisions on my own now. Damnit, if I could just still talk to him. Or somehow communicate.

Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 10:09pm

Barbara – I'm really sorry for your loss. And though nobody ever wants to have to be on a site like this – you are welcome here among the brokenhearted and lonely.

Bluebird – i've also thought of that unsettling aspect of the future. My father has already passed but I still have my mom and she is very old now. :( And I am the youngest of the siblings. And even though my family is not close- to have to ponder the thought of all these people dying and leaving me behind- fills me with dread. And I Understand that it is the natural process of life – I get that. But I had always planned on having my Mark with me through most of that. Together we could handle anything. I'm not kidding. We could've handled any thing life threw at us as long as we had each other. Of that I have no doubt. But alone, Without Mark – I'm full of doubt and hopelessness. I'm tired of pretending that it's going to be alright-because it's not. I just don't want to do this anymore.

Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 9:21pm

Day after day after day after day..... It never changes, it just hurts. And I hate who I have become. I hate this person who I am now. Nothing is worth anything without him. My life has become senseless and I have become pathetic.

Comment by bluebird on April 19, 2015 at 8:57pm

Tildy, I feel exactly the same way. We could get through anything together, my husband and I. Without him, I don't even have any desire to get through anything. I wish he were just sitting here next to me on the couch, with the lights out, talking. Or cuddled up in bed with me, his body wrapped around mine.

My life is only going to get worse and worse at time goes on. The more time that passes, the more time I will have been apart from my soulmate, my parents will eventually die, I will become even less able to work and my financial situation will get even worse, and I will probably lose my apartment, if I don't die of a sudden heart attack or the like (which I would prefer) then I could end up with some lingering disease. 

The absolute best I can hope for is to win the lottery, enough money to be able to buy a small house and pay all my bills for however much time I am forced to live, so that I can basically just stay in the house and be on the computer all day and watch tv.  Alone. And that is no fucking life.

Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 8:55pm

Why do I have to keep living like this? It's so pointless. So painful and I'm so sick of it. I try to distract myself with things – meaningless things... But no matter what- it comes down to the fact that he's gone from me. And I am alone. I will never experience the comfort of his presence in my life again. How cold and empty this is. I'm seriously supposed to live the rest of my life like this? Effing seriously?!?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 19, 2015 at 8:51pm

Hello Mark,

To answer your question, I will have to echo what m morgan wrote and what all grief counsellors and sources say: grief is individual and the intensity and length of mourning/grief varies from person to person. I agree with m morgan that many factors play into how an individual will respond to the loss of their spouse or child, or parent for that matter. I think the most important factor in how long or how deeply one mourns is how deep and long the relationship with the spouse was. 

I have seen at least three widows over the past 6-7 years who visibly thrived after their husbands passed, and it happened within a few months of the death. These widows openly said that they were stuck in an unhappy marriage for 30-40 years, and when their husband died they found freedom, independence, and happiness. That happens often in a marriage of convenience. So as far as I am concerned, these people don't count for me, as their marriage was totally different from the one I shared with Joseph. And I think that all of us on this site absolutely loved our spouse; our spouse was our soulmate, life partner, and one true love, so us the experience of losing our spouse is very different from those loveless marriages to begin with. But even given we here on this forum loved our spouse more than life itself, other circumstances will help our healing process. One of them is having loving family members and good friends. Like bluebird, I am blessed with both. Even though my family doesn't really understand the depth of my despair, loneliness, and grief--how could they?-- they at least know that I am in mourning and that the loss of my Joseph has left me completely devastated. I live very far from the rest of my family; I live in Alaska. Our friends here have been and continue to be supportive of me.

I lost Joseph on August 4, 2014, eight and a half months ago. And I can tell that I have turned a corner. I no longer cry for hours on end (I cry a couple of times everyday, especially first thing in the morning and at night in bed), but the crying is mostly quiet tears and and not the howling and weeping on a daily-basis that I did until a couple of weeks ago. I still howl and weep on Friday nights and weekends, but it's Fridays and weekends and not 24/7 non-stop. I turned a corner thanks to the love and support that I have been getting. The place that I have reached now is a plateau, and I think this is where I will remain for the rest of my life. It's a grey, sad, lonely, miserable, joyless existence. I often feel like I am an innocent person who has been convicted of a crime and who has been condemned to a life sentence in a prison without parole. That's best how I can describe my current state of mind. Yes, I live, but so do lifers in a prison where there is no future, no joy, no hope, and no respite. So while I am not in the throes of daily anguish, I still pray fervently several times a day for my imminent death. This life is really worth very little (my four loving siblings are my only reason for staying alive for the time being) to me. If I were set free today, I would be very thankful to our Creator. So this where I stand today after 8  months, not in raw pain, but waiting ardently for the day when my time will come to join my wonderful husband Joseph.

I wish you peace, Mark, and peace to you all others. 

Comment by Dianne M. on April 19, 2015 at 8:29pm

Tildyc I have wondered the same thing....my heart is so broken and so is my life.

Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 8:27pm

I'm slipping into the darkness again this evening. The tears are starting to flow and I'm so – so – so lonely. I just wish he was sitting here talking to me right now. Like we used to do.

I Used to be so happy and life used to be so good... Not Perfect- but I was going to be okay and we were going to make it because we were together. It was such a comfort to know that somebody was there that loved you and that you can count on each other. And you wouldn't have to spend your lives alone.

Every day it's so meaningless. And there's no joy in them . Crap – I don't even know what to say anymore. I just want him back with me. Please don't be gone.

Why haven't I died of a broken heart yet?

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