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Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 6:28pm

I absolutely, truly have no idea how to ever be happy again. Every day is lonely and monotonous. The future looks so empty. Is this really how my life was supposed to turn out to be?

I truly hope that someday I will recover and be okay – I truly do. It would be so wonderful to be able to walk and live in the light again. But what really bothers me is that my gut and my heart suggest that I may never recover at all. I can't help but feel that it's impossible without Mark in my life.

Comment by morgan on April 20, 2015 at 5:10pm

ohnT-  When I was in the first year of drowning in public I was so aware of my fragility.  I could barely talk to anyone.  Of course that hasn't gotten a tremendous amount better but that is not what I am writing about.  What I was so bowled over by was what we have all talked about before.  The superficiality of what we now think we see as some kind of assault on our psyche that we never before gave one thought to.  I have to try and put that into some kind of perspective.  I do that now by saying one thing to myself over and over.  

 

"I have been catapulted into a different dimension."  And I mean that most literally.  I do not live in the same dimension anymore.  I am here on the same planet but I walk in a different place.  Only those of us who have experienced the death of someone who we were deeply in love with are in this dimension.  Not all married couples whose spouse died are in this place with us. 

 

When the checker at the supermarket nonchalantly asks "How are you today"?  They don't know not to ask that question.  They live where we used to.  We now are supposed to adapt and rewire our brain to begin crawling again like a little newborn baby.  We are starting over from scratch.  And most of us hide the fact that we are adults and yet we can barely focus much less crawl.  And here we are walking as though we remember how and talking like the world is just peachy keen when we literally want to just keel over and say goodbye and crawl back into the womb.

 

I never could have/would have believed that my husband leaving me behind in this place would be as devastating as it is.  I was living my dream.  Now I am living my nightmares.  For how long is anybody's guess.  I watched a video the other day that talked about how the past present and future was like time being a frozen river with all of it "being" there all at once. We are just living one molecule of the rivers water at a “time” but it is all already there.  So those people you see in the aisles. They've been there all along, we just didn't notice that water molecule until now.  We are living the existence of the past present and future one molecule at a "time" and we project ourselves into this frozen river by recognizing that dimension of the river we never were a part of before.  It is our past present and future all at once and certain people are now in that same dimension of the river with us.  We may not acknowledge each other and our pain and all that goes with it but we are part of that frozen river.  Let’s all hope that we become another water molecule soon.  This being left behind while our spouse is already downstream is not conducive to anything that I see as beneficial. 

 

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 3:25pm

m morgan- Thank you so much for the support you offer. And I appreciate your honesty and understanding. More than anybody could ever know. I've said this before and I'll say it again – this site has been somewhat of a lifesaver for me

And yes, now that I am in this world of loss – it blows me away that I would not have noticed these folks walking around in my little town, suffering like this. Living in this small of a town, you always know when somebody dies. And most often you will know the person that died and the people that it affects. How could I have looked at those survivors faces and not recognize what I was seeing?

Now when I see those who have also been left behind – I recognize what I was not seeing before. The sadness in which they carry themselves on a daily basis. The haunted look in their eyes. Their withdrawn aura . I get it now.

It's ironic – that now the people who are " unaffected" in my town- look at me with the same uneasy, fleeting curiosity and concern that I must have projected when I lived in that realm. How could I have missed something like this? Such Devastation?

Comment by morgan on April 20, 2015 at 3:15pm

Sandy- I wonder too.  How is it possible to hurt this much and only have it dissipate such a small amount.  What is going on out there in that unverse?

Comment by morgan on April 20, 2015 at 3:14pm

Dianne, my mom lived as an alzheimers victim for seven years. It was like watching her die one little piece at at time.  At the time my eldest sister took her to her little town and she was cared for by a great  team of professionals at a care center that my sis had philanthropically helped so she got great care and sis went to see her lots.  I was the only sibling there when she took her last breath.  It was important for me.  I wish I would have been by my husbands side when he did.  It is probably one of the largest knives buried deep in my heart today that I wasn't.  Long story and I need not feel guilt but I do.  It's one of the things that sends me into my hole.  Which if I keep writing I will gladly crawl into.  So I'll stop here.  I don't know if my body can take another episode right now.

Comment by morgan on April 20, 2015 at 3:09pm

Lost- doesn't matter how long you stay in bed.  As long as you aren't falling behind in bills from not working (we don't want you sleeping on the streets) then stay in bed.  Get up when you feel like it.  If you don't, don't.  You cannot, as much as you think you can, force yourself through grief.  It is the worst experience in your life and it sort of needs to happen to you not you direct it.  Its like PTSD, depression and hell all rolled into one.

Comment by morgan on April 20, 2015 at 3:04pm

George-  As much as Mary's bed was a link the best part of donating it is that you are helping someone who really needs the assistance of the equipment to embrace the loved one they are saying goodbye to.  It is a generous and far reaching act of love.  Mary is speaking through you.  And I remember how long it took me to take the sheets off the bed we had slept in for years to wash them.  And the meltdown I had when I did it. Oh god, that was one of the worst….

Comment by morgan on April 20, 2015 at 3:01pm

Tildyc-  I am so sorry for how you feel.  I did the same thing as you are explaining for months on end.  I got to the point where I would get on my knees and beg for him.  Over and over.  I thought it would never stop.  

Well, I can tell you that the begging, pleading, incessant crying, the desperateness does ever so slowly diminish in its frequency.  You will get so worn out from the constant driving pain that your body will start to try and protect itself.  Believe it or not it is trying to protect itself now but the ripping of the fabric of your love is so intense it can only do so much.  At a year mark you will collapse. The marking of that day is pretty intense.  Then slowly you will see a slight reduction in the desperateness.  Slowly through a second year you will begin to do more that attempts to reconstruct a life.  You will still be crying a lot but you will be trying to wrap your head around what it means to live.  This process is so slow you will believe in eternity.  You will cry for release.  Then by the third year you will realize this is your reality.  You will either accept it or you will determine the level of what you are willing to do until your body gives up.

You sound very much like me.  I can't be real philosophic about this whole ordeal (even if I sound like it at times) because of my emotional connection to my husband.  i get the intellectual part of all of it but when it comes to the feelings……well, you write how I feel.  I am just more resigned about it now.   I only look forward to death. Nobody around me wants to hear that and I get that so i stay clear of people as much as I can.  

Anyhow, I am not trying to have you feel worse but I want you to know this is your brain and body's way of responding to the ripping of your fabric.  And I mean ripping.  Just do what you can.  I guess it's all that we can do.  

And can you believe there were people walking amongst us before this happened to us and we never noticed them?  I mean how blind could we have been?

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 3:00pm

Lost- I definitely have gone backwards these last few days. On Saturday I stayed in bed almost the entire day. I finally forced myself to get up for a little while just to walk the dogs. And then when I got home- I closed the curtains, locked the doors and hid in my house. Someone even came and knocked on my door and I ignored until they went away.

And today – right after I got home from work- I locked myself in again. I just don't want to see people. I cry too much these days to really be visiting with folks anyway. I just don't have it in me anymore. I just don't want to do it without Mark.

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 2:52pm

Diane – that's a question I asked myself every day, several times a day. Why do I have to do this alone now? That certainly wasn't the plan. And now I'm just supposed to handle every thing by myself with no help or support. Completely alone. WTH?

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