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Comment by Tildyc on May 3, 2015 at 1:14am

Diane- I did the pretty much the exact same thing tonight. It was one of Marks best friends birthday today. And we always went over to celebrate it with him. This time I was without him. It took all my very best acting skills to get through it. When I finally was on my way home- I said out loud- "You're suppose to be here with me now Mark." And I cried all the way home. And now- in our empty lonely home- I'm still crying. And as usual I'll cry myself to sleep.

No matter what- when I try to go out and be social- it makes me want to run away or it leaves me feeling empty, hopeless and more isolated from everyone else. More disparaged and dead in side. I am without hope.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on May 2, 2015 at 10:55pm

I haven't been on here lately. I would love to say it's because I'm doing great but that would be a lie. Now that I no longer have my daddy to care for, the pain of losing my husband has knocked me for a loop. Nothing should hurt this badly. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 2, 2015 at 10:28pm

Went to a friends house to watch the derby. So hard because we were always there as a couple. Will I ever get used to the loneliness??? I cried on the way home. I still cant process this. Why am I alone again. We had such a wonderful marriage. He was a wonderful man and now he is gone. Not fair or right. Totally sucks....

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 2, 2015 at 4:26pm

George H, I have gone through this state a few times where I feel numb, no feelings, no pain, and no hurt. It's quite bad. I much rather feel pain and shed tears. Those few times when I felt that way I thought of myself as a zombie. Very weird to feel that way, so I know what you mean.

Comment by George H on May 2, 2015 at 8:07am

Feeling very detached today seems that I'm looking in at myself I seem to feel nothing know emotions at all sure don't like this feeling

Comment by Tildyc on May 2, 2015 at 1:05am

This has destroyed me. I just need this pain to stop. I cannot find anyway or anything to make this darkness and hopelessness go away. No matter what I try or do.... I feel completely powerless and I'm desperate for escape. Plz- just let me the hell out.

Comment by Tildyc on May 2, 2015 at 12:49am

I cry every single day- several times a day. And before- I never was one to cry much at all. Always made sure to keep those type of emotions under control. But now- it seems I'm pretty much fighting back the tears AT ALL TIMES. Sometimes it takes every ounce of what's left of my willpower to not break down in front my customers and employees. It's exhausting and consuming. And sometimes there's not a damn thing I can do to stop the melting down no matter where I'm at. I just try and get to the restroom or some where that I can hide until I can control my tears. It sucks trying to appear "normal" to others when I'm so far gone. It takes all my energy to do this and I'm sure that I'm not fooling anyone. I just don't know how to do this life without him.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 1, 2015 at 6:23pm

"I cry several times everyday because I miss Joseph so, so badly. If only they knew!" Insert Don and that is me too..

I hate Friday nights alone.

Comment by bluebird on May 1, 2015 at 6:10pm

i don't ever even pretend. it's clear how horrible i feel.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 1, 2015 at 6:08pm

Dianne and George,

We have developed these two personas in part to shield ourselves from insensitive, even if well-meaning, people who say insensitive things in response to our continued grief. They have no clue to how it feels to walk in our shoes, so thy say platitudes and empty things which cause anger and irritation. That's why some of us show another face to the rest of the world.

Dianne, people around me praise me for my courage and strength because they think that I am moving on nicely.And I suppose there is courage and strength in us for us to carry on two separate lives: our outer/public and our inner/private lives. I cry several times everyday because I miss Joseph so, so badly. If only they knew!

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