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Comment by Dianne M. on May 7, 2015 at 12:22pm

My stress is at its peak right now.
Nursing home doc called and dad is extremely anemic and they are trying to admit him to hospital to get some blood started. I am not sure how much more I can take. I was standing in the middle of the back yard crying. I feel so alone in all this. Hubbs was my rock and he helped me with all this and now I have no one. They have to send him to a hospital I know nothing about. How much more can I take???

Comment by Tildyc on May 7, 2015 at 12:26am

Went to a BBQ with a couple friends. I tried to be "normal". I sat quietly on the rock. I put in some conversation here and there. Faked a smile and interest. I lasted about an hour. Then I excused myself saying that I have work in the morning. I left at 6:30. I drove directly to the trail that goes to my brothers cabin in the woods. I don't know why I even try to fit in with the rest of the world anymore.

The dogs and I walked for about an hour. We came to a place where Mark and I used to sit and watch the dogs play in the river. I sat there and the tears fell. And I remembered how he looked when he watched our dogs playing. He was so amused with their playing and goofy personalities. Oh how I miss his adorable smile and his wonderful laugh. I yelled his name and asked him where he went? And I begged him to just come back to me.

I'm exhausted and broken. This sadness is so extremely deep and heavy. It never goes away. Please don't make me do this anymore. Oh Mark- the world is so cold and lonely without you in it. Pointless.

Comment by morgan on May 7, 2015 at 12:17am

I've been reading posts on my phone since last Thursday when I accidentally poured water into my mac.  Unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to write on my phone, but I need help.  My computer is back online but I am the one that needs fixed.  I want so much to stop the suffering. I can't keep going along like this.  This is so much like a roller coaster.  I thought in February and part of March I was starting to see less of the pain and though I don't see joy at least I wasn't crying as much.  Now it is all back and the meltdowns are nuclear. I'm spent.  I seriously don't know what to do.  

I try to keep myself occupied.  It's what I have done all along in order to try to reconstruct my life.  I keep trying and trying.  But the shadow of the "absence of his presence" is never far away.  That's what gets me.  The absence of his presence.  I'll be going along trying to do something and then something will trigger the absence of his presence and I meltdown.  I know I am better on the outside but I am not well on the inside. My mind will block the feelings long enough to fool my behavior into functioning for awhile but I can't seem to make it any further.  Then I see or hear something that reminds me of him, the block falls away and then I hit the ground. 

 

This is not exactly like in the beginning.   Then I was so shocked and stunned that I couldn't do anything.  I wasn't able to function.  Everything was unattainable.  Now I can do a very limited amount of interaction but apprehension of everyday living has become the norm.  

 

I read and reread your post JohnT and you really have some very perceptive insights about the changes that have come about for you.  I hope that when you get to my stage that you aren't finding the same problems I am.  I have recently gotten acquainted with another woman who lost her husband three years ago and though we are 
"functioning" on the outside we shared that it is almost worse inside. I think the thing is you keep thinking that by this time you should have gotten past some of the more visceral feelings.  Instead you miss them in a much more real way.  Not like the shock of the loss, the physical battle that your mind wages against you but in the realization that you will never have those feelings again.  Unless you are able to build yourself a new relationship (which I will never attempt to do) you will never have another person who you will love or who will love you.  It's either something you accept and move on or you exist and hope that the end is near.  I know that we all felt the same in the beginning like we were just existing and wanted to die but now it is too real….. I have not yet been able to find a reason to continue to live a life that does not include my husband.  That’s where I am really hung up.  I have tried to do so many different things to prove to myself and to others that I wasn’t just giving up and giving in and yet I still am unable to find a purpose.  The reality of understanding that your body is unwilling to give up when your mind just pleads for it to stop.  To think I have to live like this for any length of time beyond where I am now is just unimaginable. 

 

I really felt hope in the post you wrote JohnT and I don’t want to minimize the changes from the black fog to the lesser veil for you and others.  I really want others to find a way.  But I also want for myself something to either make this missing him less painful at this point and more meaningful or I just don’t know how long I can keep moving.  I’m so tired. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 6, 2015 at 6:33pm

John T,

Thank you for your kind words; it means a lot to me. I think that many would agree with me that this site/forum has been crucial to our emotional survival and has provided a place where we can reach out to others and bring some measure of comfort to each other, however small. Had I not had bereaved spouses like yourself to communicate with, my pain and desperation would have been much more. So I am truly thankful for all of you on this forum for sharing and for trying to console each other in whatever way we can.

What you say about touching lives is very true. The night before Joseph passed, we had our last long conversation. He told me that in spite of the fact that he was dying young and that he had many difficulties in his childhood, and had chronic back pain for more than 15 years, he was not angry or bitter; he was sad and regretted that his life was unfinished. He told me that he was thankful for all the good things that he received, and there were many gifts, as he said, such as having me to share his life. So since Joseph left this world without bitterness and anger, I want to "touch some lives," as you so nicely put it, in tribute to him. There is nothing else we can do for our departed spouse, the only thing we can do is to try to make a difference in other people's lives, no matter how small that gesture is, in order to honor the memory of our beloved. 

Thanks for listening and for being a compassionate fellow sufferer.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 5, 2015 at 7:02pm

Tildyc,

Just wanted to share with you what Joseph's stepmother told me when I told her that I was going to sell the house and retire right away. She told me to wait out two years before taking any major decisions. I am seriously considering taking early retirement in spring 2016 and selling our house then. It'll be almost two years from Joseph's passing. It's a huge decision and I am preparing myself for it little by little.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 5, 2015 at 6:58pm

One more thing. In my religion there is a belief that if one grieves too deeply then the soul of the beloved stays away. So I think John T now that your veil of darkness has been lifted some, you have started to feel Diane's presence more. All the best to you.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 5, 2015 at 6:46pm

John T,

Thanks for your very honest post and for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. What you say about the resilience of the human spirit is so true. It is the human spirit that even in the depths of hell--that's where I have been living for the last none months--that keeps us alive and going. After Joseph's passing I only stayed alive because I cannot take my own life. But everyday since then I continue to pray that I may be released from this miserable existence; I pray daily for my early death . But despite all this, I function very well at work. I am no less effective in my teaching and in my interactions with my students and colleagues than I was prior to my widowhood. It's all because of the resilience of our human spirit. That's why prisoners in the GULAG or other penal camps can survive for 50-60 years under the harshest and the most inhuman of conditions.

I am concerned that I will spend the rest of my life--that could be another 25-30 years--pining for my beloved Joseph, inconsolable in my grief. But I, too, have noticed that the intensity of the darkest days has been a little less recently.

I wish you well in your journey, and am happy for you that you have turned a corner and are no longer in a dark, hopeless place. May all of us on this site reach that place over time. Amen.

Comment by George H on May 5, 2015 at 10:27am

John I wish you luck and hope you can keep moving forward as for me I feel detached from everything the emotions the loneliness I just feel numb and dead inside I truly don't like we're I am now

Comment by Tildyc on May 5, 2015 at 12:44am

I meant to say- I realize I will never ever escape the pain of this life long sentence. But I can escape all the other bullshit in life that I don't want to have to deal with anymore. I have no reason to stay connected to the rest the world now. I truly do not belong among the normal people anymore and I can't kill myself because I believe that would end any hope of ever being reunited with Mark again. So – I'm going to try and disappeared the best I can.

I have to start formulating my plan. Look into how much retirement I have and some other options. I hope to God I can figure this out. I'm so overwhelmed and broken. I just don't belong anymore.

Comment by Tildyc on May 5, 2015 at 12:23am

Hiked out to the old family cabin again today- just me and the dogs. It's so very isolated and quiet out there. There is no neighbors and the closest road is a mile a half hike through the woods and through 2 rivers.. No one will ever bother me out there. No electricity, no plumbing. Just the fresh water creek running next to it. It has a wood burning stove and a gas stove. There's a canoe and woodshed. it's completely and totally off the grid.

I'm beginning to look into finding a way to quit my job and check out of this world that I'm existing in now. I realize I will never ever escape the pain for this going to be a life lbut I can escape all the other bullshit in life that I don't want to have to deal with anymore.

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