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Comment by morgan on March 31, 2019 at 12:17am

And Joe,  I see the sweetest, prettiest little girl at her First Communion.  And now where is she?  Damn, I hate loss.........

Comment by morgan on March 31, 2019 at 12:15am

i'm not going to do this.  i'm not going to make it.  i cannot live without him.  i want out.  i just had another meltdown.  

Then I read the latest posts and I too don't want to let my husband down but I seriously question how much more of this i can take.  My neural network is fried.  Th suffering doesn't stop.  And he is not here and I don't know why i am.   

I need more than a pep talk.  I need more than retail therapy.  I need more than to pretend.  I need more than the constant chatter of tv or computer to distract me.  I need him and he's gone.  He's never going to be in my life here again.   Yes, there's a huge risk to end it but I am dying inside.  

Comment by M Adams on March 30, 2019 at 10:47pm

I see the communion photo, and a while back there were multiple copies of the adult one of your wife that you posted, but after a while, maybe a day or so after that posting, only one image remained.  Did Ninja have any guidance on why you don’t see your own posted pix?  

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 5:15pm

Well, I don't see it.  Do any of you?  Linda, you post a lot of pics.  Do you see your pics when you post them?

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 5:14pm

I want to do a pic test here now to see what happens.  I didn't make any changer to settings since rejoining and they look to be at the defaults.  In the beginning, I was able to see the pics I posted along with you guys seeing them.  Hope it works.  I have pics of her since about age 2 till days before I lost her.  This was her 1st Communion:

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 30, 2019 at 3:39pm

Hi Joe,

I feel the same thoughts that you do. I will let nature take it's course and I will not seek medical intervention to keep me longer on this earth. I would take my life in a minute if it wasn't for my religious belief that I will not join him in Heaven. I will take whatever is dished out to me.

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 9:51am

Very few had what we had and that's why they don't understand.  Even professionals can't unless they had what we had.  True total love with the one we spent basically our entire life with.  Being together every day of that life.  I was 16 years old when started our lives together and lost Her when I was 67 years old.  I know nothing else but life with Her.  We were each other's universe.  I died when She died.  I have to go where She went with hope of eternal joy of being reunited with Her.  That's all I want and I hope it's soon.  Like now.  She never relented in Her unconditional love for me and I will never relent in wanting to be reunited with Her to adore Her for all eternity.  I will suffer for as long as it takes because there must be a reason for it.  I could end it all but would that be for Her, or would it be for Me to end my suffering?  I know that answer.  It would be for me to end my suffering with a hope of getting to Her sooner than going naturally.  Somehow, I think of that as being selfish.  That the prize of Eternal Joy Reunited with Her isn't worth all the suffering I must face until nature takes it's course.  Is there something that interfering with nature changes the outcome of fate?  I can't and won't take that chance.  That said, there's nothing I have to do to let stop nature from taking it's course though, like seeking medical technology to prolong my life.  In a way, for me, that is an opposite of letting nature taking it's course.  Nature took it's course with Her even though we sought what was suppose to be world class medical intervention.  All it actually did was cause Her a little more suffering than she would had without it, and actually hastened Her death.  Of course, if She was here, I would, for the sake of not leaving Her, gone the same route.  She wanted to fight to stay with me and I wanted Her to win and stay with me.  We lost, but I know what to do now.  Just let nature take it's course.  I have to suffer and hang on to hope.  That hope is reinforced by my OBE of years ago.  Actually, I never shared this here but it was studied and published in NDERF.  We just have to keep the faith so to speak and try to concentrate on the joy to come.  It hurts so bad, I know.  Everyday is like the same day over and over again.  I won't have it any other way though.  I won't relent.  I love Her too much to let Her down.

Joe   

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 30, 2019 at 7:26am

Hi Marita,

I am like you. I no longer share my thoughts with my family or friends. As you  said, they feel I am morbid because I want to die.  Thank God for this forum.   

Comment by Marita on March 30, 2019 at 12:19am

Linda, I feel your pain. It's so good that we can be brutally honest about our feelings here. I have been called morbid and selfish for wanting to be with my husband, consequently, I have keeping my thoughts to myself. I am grateful that this site allows me to express myself without being judged, and for the support from fellow grievers.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 29, 2019 at 3:34pm

Missing my Husband, wish I were dead. 

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