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Comment by Dianne M. on May 24, 2015 at 9:42am

I had a dream about hubby last night. He was standing in front of me head down so I could only see the top of his head. He was wearing the suit I had him laid out in. I thought that I should go hug him and then I woke up. NO clue what/if this means anything but it was unsettling for sure.

Comment by George H on May 24, 2015 at 8:05am

Sara like you I was with my wife for 37 years we work together we did everything together I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel its been almost 13 weeks now still seems like yesterday I'm not sure how your husband passed mary had a stroke in 2008 then we ended up with diabetes she ended up when dialysis finally died of end-stage renal and it's still really hard to get over the emptiness and the loneliness I have no idea how long it'll taker

Comment by Sara Schwartztrauber on May 24, 2015 at 1:34am

I finally forced myself to go to my husbands gravesite on Thursday. His stone is not set, and I didn't want his grave to be bare, so I ordered a plaque with his picture and his name. I took lights and wind chimes and flowers and did my best to make it look nice. And then I cried, and cried and cried some more. I couldn't bring myself to leave him there again, alone. Finally it got very dark and I forced myself to leave. I just want him home with me. After being with him for 37 years, I can barely go into our bedroom, much less sleep in our bed. I can't bear the thought of turning over and he isn't there, so I sleep on the couch, if  sleep at all.

We worked together , so I can't even go to work to get away from missing him for a bit. It is even worse there because his mark is everywhere. I keep asking myself if there was something else I could of done, something else that I should of done, even though I know that I couldn't of done anymore than we did.

He never accepted that he was going to die, he fought it until the end. And then in 5 days he fell further than he had in the 13 months since he was told he was going to die. I still don't know what happen in that 5 days.

I know I am rambling but I just miss him. Every minute of every hour of every day.

Comment by morgan on May 24, 2015 at 1:15am

Part 2--So why have I fallen so far into the hole?  Anyone's guess will work.  I am pretty much convinced at this point that that at my age, no biological children, an estranged stepdaughter, no diety, family that are living their own lives (we all get that) one kitty cat that my husband fed as a feral on our front porch years ago, a widow lady friend, my husbands friend (and mine)who props me up and a constitution that yoga helped strengthen I have a chore ahead of me to diminish myself. But I am trying.  Unlike some of you I don't want to live anymore.  Even before my husband died I always said if I died tomorrow I had done everything I had wanted to do and more.  Travelled, lived different places, had good jobs, been surrounded by my husbands art, created my own habitats for clients, lots of other stuff but most importantly knew I was loved.   Deeply and passionately loved.  I just never understood what losing my love would mean to me.  Especially in the way it came down.  This was the man who knew my history and mine his and yet we remained together through thick and thin.  We found ways through and around the obstacles of life.  Each of us has had our fair share and some more than others.  

I can't do this alone and there will be no other.  For others there can be and will be another. For you that will be good. I wish you all the love you can have.  But for me I know this is it.  Truly I know it.  How or if to survive is now the conundrum. Getting into that hole which I see is bottomless is not a choice.  It comes from the "feelings" that engulf me.  There is something from whence those feelings come and though we know not of where that is I believe it is so far out of our control that living in that other dimension in which we resided before we never gave it a thought before now. Now it's all about the "feelings".  They are coming into that mass of brain up there in that dark wet place in our skull and being projected out.  I'm not cooking this up and neither are you.  This universe has got to be feeding itself through us.  We are no different than the fish in the pond it just a matter of what we are getting fed.  We just have a relatively higher level of perception in a bigger pond but with no real grasp on 96% of the darkness.  

Seriously, can we really think this frail biological mechanism is the be all end all of the universal cosmos?  Please Greg, come tell me this isnt all of it and I will be with you again.  Please.

 

 

 

Comment by morgan on May 24, 2015 at 1:14am

Part 1--Sorry to sound so defeated.  I have pushed forward for quite awhile now.  I did it through the first year.  I trained a new gal for y position, packed up 35 years of living, sold our home without an agent and moved 1700 miles all while I was barely able to even get out of the fetal position on the bed.  During that time I did attend grief groups but there was never an answer to my most pressing question.  What is my purpose now?  After moving I lived in a cottage on a lake for a couple months and made plans to try and move back to Hawaii.  After several months and before the whole first year was up I understood that location was not the problem I was having.  I was in the most beautiful place on earth and I still wasn't able to function.   I did more counseling which unfortunately always ended up with me trying to best the psychologist.  I have repeated often grief didn't make me stupid it is about the "feelings" I am having, it is not about my intellect.  The "feelings" are overwhelming.

At this point many of my family and friends were heavily pushing pills and I refused.  Why?  Because at any point when I was breaking down a pill was not going magically be present in my system to overcome the "feeling" of his absence.  At some point I would have to recognize the otological givens of space and time and I would still be feeling his absence.  I have also always been a really holistic person.  I watched my husband take pill after pill for blood pressure and depression and cholesterol and finally a pump for his diabetes and I see where it got him.  I'll take a pill for headache but this ache I have requires much, much more than some anti anxiety medication.  I've handled the stress by crying and letting my body naturally release the chemicals that build up around the pain.  In case anyone wonders, for me, the stages of the pain are less frequent but not less intense.  

I used to never drink caffeine.  I do now. I have used my thrift store acumen as a release.  I have seen myself go from barely able to look at a rack to selecting gems amongst the garbage.  I had always considered retail therapy to be a place of refuge for me, a getaway.   Consoling myself , instead of counseling with a different type of return in mind.  I have studied physics since day one and I can probably have a pretty in-depth conversation about string theory, parallel universes, LHC, microtubules and consciousness and it also has helped me try to get a better understanding of our place in this cosmic grandeur but then the "feelings" always creep back in.  The "hard problem" as  David Chalmers calls it.  I stopped using diety about the same time I stopped using Santa as my go to explanation for the best and worst of life.  So I have tried changing things up. Some new, some old techniques.

I have friend who my husband made promise to watch over me if something happened to me and he has made more than good on that promise.  He calls several times a day and helped me rehab two homes one for me and one for profit in the second year of my grief.  So I have one person who has been a tremendous sounding board for years. (continue to  Part 2) 

Comment by Tildyc on May 24, 2015 at 1:07am

It's been an especially hard day. Lots of tears and very unproductive.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 24, 2015 at 12:36am

Survived month 3....Cried and cussed and felt miserable but I did survive.

Comment by Tildyc on May 24, 2015 at 12:33am

Within a period of 6 wks - It was a professional that killed my Mark. It was a professional that prescribed his brother the wrong meds and damn near killed him. It was a professional that prescribed me antidepressants which made me even more sad and unstable. Which is amazing I could even go lower than I am. So- ya- I do not trust "professionals."

And honestly, I truly do not believe that councilors, therapists and Drs can help at all unless they- themselves have fallen into this abyss. I'm serious when I say that the folks who've never had to walk this painful path most certianally cannot relate. I call them- the un-effected. And...also... very lucky. I know- because just short of 4. months ago, I was one of them. Before I lost my soul mate, I know that I was completely and totally ignorant of how devastating and destructive this type of loss truly is. There is just no way to fathom this pain until it really happens to you.

And I've tried to be around people and crowds. I end up exhausted and worn out from the effort of trying to put on that false face. The entire time I'm there- I'm feeling like an outsider. Even among my own family. Which is large. I just want to get away. As time goes on- I actually find myself reclusing more and more. The safest place for me is at our family cabin- all by myself except for the company of my 2 dogs. It's very off the grid and fairly deep in the Alaskan wilderness. There is no one else around at all.

As far as loving another partner again... It seems like a completely hopeless thought to me. I'm sadly convinced that the emotional wounds and the obstacles in my way are insurmountable when it comes to finding another love in my life. The thought of letting another person in again actually scares the crap out of me. And I wish this wasn't the case. Because life without that kind of love in it is so empty. Which is the life I'm actually living now. A life without Mark is a life of loneliness and without love. And honestly- I'm looking forward to the day I die so I can end my pain and be with him again.

Please don't be offended by my thoughts and opinions here. Because if someone on here is finding solace somehow of any kind- then I am very happy that at least one of us are finding answers to this nightmare we are living in.

Comment by Richard G on May 23, 2015 at 10:54pm

Hi Morgan

That is a long time. Have you tried any professional consolers? I used professional help to get me through the grief of my first wife. It is not uncommon for people to get stuck in grief but when it happens it usually takes outside professional help to get better. I wish you only the best.

Comment by Mark on May 23, 2015 at 10:28pm

Hi Morgan, I am sorry you have fallen back into the abyss.  Most days I spend pushing through them like a drone.  Moving and doing what is expected of me, filling the squares required by the tragic loss.  Those are the worst.

But, I have also  tried doing new things, I gave up caffeine and started eating sushi.  Not major life accomplishments, but a little helpful.  Getting off the caffeine I think has at least lessened some of the anxiety.  And the sushi was just to go to somewhere I never went with my wife, a step down the new road that doesn't hurt.

I try to write on my blog once a day, I don't think it will win any Pulitzer prize but it occupies my mind, trying to organize my thoughts on virtual  paper at least starts to arrange them in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely still a mess.  But there have been some changes.  I know I want to get through this, I want to feel good again.

I miss Cheryl dearly, but she is gone and I continue into the future.  And I want to love and be loved again, Cheryl would understand.   I want to be needed and have reliable loving partner.   And I have to get better to accomplish these goals.  I don't have a timeline for this occurring,  but I know it's possible.  There are 7 billion humans on this planet, I refuse to believe that I am unlovable and unattractive to all of them.   It will not happen tomorrow or the next day but it will.

I took my son to the Pirates Baseball game today, I splurged, we had great seats behind home plate, I call them the TV seats because if you watch the broadcast our mugs were quite prominent.  It was a sellout crowd, 38,000 people.  Surrounded by so much humanity felt good, and I was able to enjoy probably 80% of the game.  It did not suck.  

I have a BBC science show on the background called, "The Human Universe", hosted by physicist Brian Cox.  The show attempts to explain how we came to be, the nature of our existence, and where we are going.  I like science shows.  The final scene is from the international space station.  One of the Astronauts receives a letter addressed to Grandpa.  He takes it to the The Cupola, an ESA-built observatory module with large windows and a spectacular view.  He opens the letter, and inside are two papers with hand prints from his new grandchild.  And he puts them in the windows with the entire Earth as the background, and chokes up.  It was quite poignant.  We as individuals have suffered terrible losses, but we still need people, it's coded into us as a species.  We are part of the humanity inhabiting this planet and we need to embrace it again to heal.

I don't know where this ramble is going Morgan.  Perhaps try new things, sushi is pretty good.  Don't allow your health to fail, it can not possibly help you.  Immerse yourself in large groups of people, feel the energy of life.  Talk to strangers.  Just make a change.  

Morgan, you have written some very insightful things.  I know you are quite intelligent, you will come through this.  

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