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Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 25, 2015 at 8:03pm

I kicked myself in the butt this afternoon and went to Lowes and bought some plants and flowers.  It is a struggle not to let the inertia of grief take over.  I have always liked digging in the dirt and gardening soothes me.  I decided to go to the fine arts museum on our anniversary to see a Van Gogh, Manet and Matisse exhibit of flower paintings.  Paul and I went a few years ago to see the Picasso exhibit so I feel like I will be honoring our time together while doing something that makes me happy.

Comment by Tildyc on May 25, 2015 at 8:01pm

Story of tulips I meant. Stupiid phone. Jeez

Comment by Tildyc on May 25, 2015 at 7:56pm

I'm sorry Linda- God bless our veterans. I brought my 85 ur old mom to my dads grave site today. He too was a veteran – a World War II. We brought tulips. My mom told me a story about my father and two lips and it made her cry today. In fact – she pretty much cries every time we discussed my dad. They were married for 50 years when my dad died. And she still mourns him every day. He has been gone now for over 15 years.

I just don't understand why we have to suffer so very much just because we love somebody with all our heart and soul. It just seems wrong. True love and dedication should not have to hurt this bad.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 25, 2015 at 12:17pm

Very sad today.  Paul was a veteran so today is bittersweet.  We met later in life and were so happy to have found each other.  I am glad that he is no longer suffering but miss him every day.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 25, 2015 at 10:32am

Had another dream about hubby. This time I was hugging him and telling him that I was having a horrible dream that he was dead. He told me it would be alright...then I woke up. Wish I knew what he is trying to tell me. I sure wish this was a horrible dream and I could wake up and everything would be as it was supposed to be. Makes me cry...

Comment by Tildyc on May 25, 2015 at 2:08am

Trina- I can emphasize with your pain on this one. When Mark would prepare to leave to go commercial trolling for the summer- we too would go through our melancholy time of preparing to say so long for about 2-3 months. It was tough but we always knew we would be back together come September. I remember how overwhelmingly happy and excited we would be to see each other again and to hold each other. God- there was no better feeling in the world. Now- when this September rolls around- all his fellow trollers will come home to their loved ones and....he won't be.

I'll see them all- so happy and together. But my heart will still be aching and it will still be broken. I will still be without him...alone and so irreparably broken. There will be no peace for me.

Comment by Tildyc on May 25, 2015 at 1:43am

Dianne- I too had an unsettling dream-about Mark. It was sometime in the 2nd month of his passing. In this dream I was in a house that I did not recognize. The house seemed a little run down and unoccupied. The walls where a dingy white. I was standing in what seemed to be the entry way. I saw his nephew and brother in front if me in the first room and they where talking to each other and me. And I also saw Mark, standing in the next room connected to the first room where his nephew and brother where. The room was a little further back... About 20 ft from the entryway where I stood. The others did not realize he was there. And he was just standing there- very still- motionless. The look on his face was unsettling to me. Like he was disconnected from the rest of us. As if his body was standing right there- but not his soul?? He looked empty. This dream frightened me because it seemed as if he was unaware of me and/or unable to respond to me.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 24, 2015 at 5:12pm

Today I woke up crying as I am leaving for a month to go to my country of origin, Bangladesh on Tuesday. When I would go on these long trips (I have family obligations to take care of there), Joseph and I would start feeling depressed for a week or so before my departure. It was be very sad leaving Joseph behind for all that time.

Last night I was thinking how Joseph would help me prepare for the trip and how the last week or so before my departure was so precious. We would do special things together and be extra tender and loving towards each other before our long separation. Now my long separation with Joseph is for the rest of my life. When I come back, I will not see Joseph's smiling face in the airport baggage area waiting for me impatiently. He will not be there for me to welcome me back home with a big hug and a kiss. All the wonderful moments that we shared will never come back. I will just go on living this miserable existence and just keep pining away, inconsolable, for my lost love. 

Please, please, God, take my life now so that I don't have to endure this torment and emotional anguish any longer.

Comment by bluebird on May 24, 2015 at 4:56pm

m morgan,

I feel much the same as you do -- this life ended for me the moment my husband died, and I want my stupid body to just stop, so that I can either die and be with my love (if an afterlife exists) or die and just cease to be (at which point at least I will not feel this horrific pain of not being with my love).

Not only do I know that finding another love is not possible for me, it is not something I want even the least little bit -- the very idea of it is abhorrent to me.  I am married, to my beloved husband, and I always will be.  He will always be my husband, and I will always be his wife.  I don't think it's wrong for other people to try to find love again, but I must admit that I don't understand it in the slightest.

Like you, I have no faith in any sort of "god" -- if there is a god, then it allowed my husband to die at age 40, one week after our wedding, so as far as I'm concerned it can go fuck itself. I want nothing to do with any god that would allow that. Generally speaking, though, I don't really believe there is any god at all.

Comment by George H on May 24, 2015 at 1:25pm

another day without marry still haven't seen her filter her her nothing haven't even dreamed about her she was such a believer makes me wonder if she was right it's just so lonely and empty without her I just don't know what to do it just seems harder and harder to get by not easier just kind of rambling today still pretty much detach from everything well I guess I'll just see what tomorrow brings

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