Comment

Comment by bluebird on May 30, 2015 at 1:33pm

Tildy -- EXACTLY, that is exactly how it is.

Comment by Tildyc on May 30, 2015 at 1:12pm

I miss Mark- more than I'm able to ever put into words. I also miss being happy and feeling joy. When something happens that could make me laugh or invoke feelings of contentment or inspiration... It all stops at the fake plastic smile I paste on my face or sometimes a forced laugh and that lodges in my throat and chest.

Nothing is able to truly effect me in that way anymore. I don't feel the awe that would fill me all the way to my toes when I see the endless beauty of the Alaskan wilderness. I no longer look forward to what should be exciting events. No matter how I try to recreate these ideas and situations that I thought where so wonderful and fulfilling- They never reach me any further than that fake smile or that pathetic forced laugh. Many times these very things that brought me such joy, can now remind me of a time I shared them with Mark- which only deepens my sadness and pain. It's such a gray and empty place I'm trapped in. "How very cruel" Trina.... "How very sad"

Comment by Richard G on May 30, 2015 at 12:42pm

bluebird - I hope that we both get to see our loved ones again.

Comment by bluebird on May 30, 2015 at 12:38pm

Richard, i understand that. It's the same for me, and my husband died 2.5 years ago. it will ALWAYS be this way for me, until i am with him again (if there is an afterlife).

Comment by Richard G on May 30, 2015 at 12:34pm

The last two days have been really hard. I don't know why they have been so much harder. Maybe on some level I'm just now realizing that my love is truly gone. Today is six weeks since she passed away. I don't know if I was this bad after my first wife died or not because I can't remember the first several months after she died. I keep asking God to take me but I'm still here. It's hard to imagine going through life alone and sad. It is so hard to remember the good times. All I feel is pain.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 30, 2015 at 9:43am

Tildy you wrote exactly how I have been feeling.

"In fact- I'm surrounded by hundreds of emotional land mines. Everywhere. At any moment I'll have a flashback of a memory of us.... like when I'm at the store- and I'm in the very isle where we had discussed which type of rice to have with dinner that evening or when I see his warm winter gloves and how he insisted I use his them for the dog walk that day.

I try to avoid these situations but its like jumping into the ocean and trying not to get wet. It's just not possible.

Absolutely everywhere there are reminders of the empty space in my life now. This sadness......has become a permanent part of who I am."

I am taking one of our dogs to the vet today. First time without him. We had been going to this doc since she got out of school. The entire office knew us so this is going to be very very hard. And I will have to take her alone which is not fun either.

This is the worst time of my life.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 30, 2015 at 7:25am

I guess I am more hopeful.  I do not believe the rest of my life will be loveless or joyless.  I do believe I will miss Paul for the rest of my life and I am grateful for the time I had with him.  Perhaps because I had to place him in Assisted Living last summer, there was some adjustment to the separation before he died.  Also, because he was ill our entire marriage, I had already experienced many of the stages of grief - anger, bargaining, etc. - as part of the disease.  I also have my career, children and grandchildren that were/are a large part of my existence.

My daughter went to Kings Dominion with her twins last weekend and she said she got teary as she remembered the last time Paul went there with her and the twins.  I knew at the time that the trip would be his last as his health was failing rapidly.  With the help of the park's staff, he had a wonderful time, enjoying the water park and riding all the roller coasters.  I think the knowledge that he was slowly dying and that each moment with him was precious has made our adjustment to his loss easier.  I am fortunate that my family is comfortable talking about Paul and remembering his unique personality and love for each of us.  He was one of a kind.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 30, 2015 at 7:01am

I arrived in Bangladesh yesterday and I am feeling completely disoriented, to put it mildly. In the past, when I made my annual trip to BD, the first thing I would do upon arrival is activate my SIM card so that I can call Joseph, and then the highlight of my day was our Skype call. Now I keep turning to my phone and almost start dialing home. Then I am rudely reminded that Joseph isn't home waiting for my call.
There are so many reminders every single day of our lost loved one. Those who haven't lost a spouse don't realize how small things and big things can constantly act as triggers for arousing memories. The reminders are so painful as they remind us of our new status: our love is gone forever and now for the rest of my life my life will be loveless, joyless, and just a matter of passing another day, surviving another day. Is this life? No, it is barely existing, and I don't want to go on existing in this new, painful status without my Joseph to give me love, to bring me joy and comfort. How very cruel, how very sad that we have been handed this life sentence. Totally undeserved!

Comment by Tildyc on May 30, 2015 at 3:32am

Mark was the cook in our family. The best cook I've ever known. He prepared 99% of our meals. It was one of his biggest pleasures in life to cook and feed others.

Now- just opening a cupboard in the kitchen can cause for me such a deep sadness and feeling of loss. It literally causes me to completely fall apart... What use to be warm and happy times have turned into heartbreak. A simple can of Old Bay seasoning can destroy me. (He used it for crab and shrimp.) I can very easily end up crying for hours and hours over such a small event.

In fact- I'm surrounded by hundreds of emotional land mines. Everywhere. At any moment I'll have a flashback of a memory of us.... like when I'm at the store- and I'm in the very isle where we had discussed which type of rice to have with dinner that evening or when I see his warm winter gloves and how he insisted I use his them for the dog walk that day.

I try to avoid these situations but its like jumping into the ocean and trying not to get wet. It's just not possible.

Absolutely everywhere there are reminders of the empty space in my life now. This sadness......has become a permanent part of who I am.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 29, 2015 at 9:56pm

My husband was a big man who lived to eat and as the Parkinson's progressed that was one of his last remaining pleasures.  The horror was that he lost the ability to swallow at the end and literally slowly starved to death.  One of the hardest things since he died is seeing treats in the store and thinking Paul would love that and then realizing I can't bring it to him.

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