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Comment by Linda Engberg on April 16, 2019 at 4:25pm

This past week we lost a young man of 24 with three children, If there is a God why would he take this young man instead of me who's life is over.

I really question my faith.

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 8, 2019 at 9:10am

Hi Joe,

Beautifully said, Hope to meet everyone here on the bus to our loved ones.

Comment by Joe Kelly on April 6, 2019 at 12:26pm

Life is life and very few ever experience becoming one with someone.  Those few died when they died.  Now it's just waiting to go to them because we know they can't come back.  Every day is the same day for me.  Today is the same day as yesterday.  Tomorrow will be the same day as today.  We are just stuck waiting for the day we reunite with them.  That day will eventually come but every day we suffer the waiting.  One thing I focus on is that I (and many here) had something that oneness with my spouse (she was the better half as far as I'm concerned), and she gave me a wonderful life.  I'm grateful for that wonderful life and I wish we could do it all over again, but know it's not possible.  Therefore, I wait.  Wait to die and join her where ever she is.  To again experience the joy of our love I miss every moment of my day.  Moving on or "recovering" does not compute.  There is no more life in me to move on to.  There was only ONE Her who became one with me and I with her.  Reuniting with her is my only "till then" left.  That's why there is no tomorrow for me.  That's why every day is the same day; the same day after I woke up after burying her and acknowledged she not here.  I concentrate not on those who go on with their lives with or without loss of their spouse.  My mother quickly "recovered" from my fathers death but know from being very young, they never had the oneness of each other.  Same with my siblings and many I know who lost their spouse.  They wanted to live and be happy again.  I don't judge them for that.  I, in a way pity them for that though, because not many get to where I and many here had gotten to.  Who will be waiting for them when their day comes?  What do they have to look forward to when that day comes, and that day will come. I want nothing more.  I will never relent.  My promises to her her on her death bed will be fulfilled.  We will be together forever, and she died believing that.  I asked her if she believed that and she shook her head yes, after she said I was the only man she ever loved.  Those were her last words.  After shaking her head yes and me asking for a kiss, she puckered up.  I kissed her and she took her last breath.  It was an exhale.  I laid there holding her for over a half hour and my son said they have to call 911 to report it.  The police came and gave me a few more minutes holding her.  She felt cold by then but I know that she was watching it all.  I know she is still watching.  I know she sees how much I love her.  I hope she isn't suffering over watching me, but knowing her, it can't be without a little pain.  That's why I keep telling her to take joy in my love for her, that I'll be there as soon as I can.    I won't let it happen unnaturally though.  I was telling someone else that there is a bus with my name on it, and I'm waiting for that bus to arrive.  She's waiting at the other end where that bus is to bring me.  I can't take a chance on getting on a different bus because it might not stop at where she's waiting and there might not be another bus to go to her bus stop from where it drops me off.  So wait I will, suffer I will, till that bus arrives.    

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 6, 2019 at 7:05am

Hi Morgan,

Your words ring the truth of all of us on this forum. Tuesday, Jonathan a 24 year father of three children (My most favorite maintenance person) was death at the scene of an auto accident. They revived him and now he is on life support and diagnosed as brain dead. Where is the justice on this earth. Why couldn't the Lord take me and give this young man life to enjoy his family. Life is unfair and always will be.

Comment by morgan on April 5, 2019 at 10:10pm

This was a letter I wrote to a friend about three months after my husband died.  Not much has changed after six plus years...........

I've been sick with a sore throat and today was another wickedly brutal crying day. There is nothing that seems to quell the terror in my heart. Being sick hasn't helped.

I would like to see you and yet I am not sure how I am going to feel come Monday morning. If we could leave it so that if I can make it between 9:00-930 Monday morning then I can attempt to get myself together in time to come over. I never know how I am going to be so "planning" is pretty difficult. At least if I am unable to make it during that time then you haven't ruined your whole day/morning. If not then seeing you again might have to wait. Let me know if that works.

My husband's  death has taken on a life of its own in my mind. I can't explain it. I try to do things but it is very hard. This new life is very exhausting. Everything I was -I am not. I cannot laugh or smile. I feel jealous of those with long lives and long marriages, and angry at the ones who dont ever seem to appreciate what they have. I get anxious easily. I cry effortlessly and feel deep emotion with abandon. I don't sleep enough and I eat too little. I don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know how to care anymore. About life. About being alive.

So there I am. In a place I don't recognize as life with no place else to go.

I wish this for no one and yet millions of people are experiencing this every day. How deep the relationships are I have no idea but mine was like the magma in inner earth. Just can't imagine how I'll manage.

Comment by M Adams on April 1, 2019 at 7:14pm

So glad you found the picture in his wallet, Linda, that must have been such a sweet discovery for you. My father carries a photo of my mother in his wallet, but he only started doing it after her death last fall, so it doesn’t have quite the same meaning as doing it during her life.  Still my heart was touched the first time I saw him bring it out to show it to someone.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 1, 2019 at 7:01am

Hello M Adams,

You had a wonderful caring Husband who thought only of you during his illness. My heart goes out to you. You were so blessed just like me. I finally went through my Husband's wallet after 6 years and found a picture of me an him.  

Comment by M Adams on March 31, 2019 at 5:05pm

Just wanted to mention a strange discovery that I came across a few days ago. My father, who was visiting here for the first time since my husband’s death, had a business appointment and needed a suitable bag for documents, iPad etc.  I have kept a lot of my husband’s things just as they were, so when I decided to loan my father the satchel that my husband used, I first needed to check inside it.  There were various items in there that made me remember something I’d forgotten, that my husband had it with him in the hospital...he had been very ill and had been in hospital more than a week,  but was better and due to come home the next day when a “cascade of events” occurred and he suddenly died.  His time in hospital had been especially traumatic for a number of reasons, and we were just getting through it minute to minute with no energy to think of anything much else.  So I was extremely surprised to find in his bag a gift card of all things, filled out in his handwriting, to get me a gift subscription to The Atlantic.  The fact that he was thinking of me and trying to order a present for me at that terrible time is so shockingly kind and sweet, it makes me simultaneously very sad and very happy, also grateful.

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 31, 2019 at 9:23am

Linda, it could be my computer.  I let Windows and Firefox and McAfee install updates.  Something must be clashing with something.  If it's working for you, then it's not this web site so I don't think Ninja can help.  I just won't post as many pics I guess or if I do, won't expect to see them.  Thank you all for your compliments.  She was the sweetest and so pretty all of her life.  This is a little morbid, but she was beautiful when she took her last breath and beautiful in her casket.

Morgan, it's a Catch 22.  I've been up for two hours and already broke down twice and know it won't be the last time today that it will happen.  The first was when I first woke up.  I had a dream that we were exchanging something for something else.  Kind of like giving a man money for something like chips.  When she gave him whatever it was, he put it in his pocket and was about to walk away.  I said you have to give her what ever it was he was suppose to give her.  He acknowledged that and reached into his pocket.  That was it though and I woke up.  That made me think about the time she acknowledged that she was going to die.  She said "I'm being gyp't". 

There is no pep talk.  There is no therapy.  Not for what we have.  Yes, there are times here and there about am I pretending?  They are fleeting though and very short because I immediately go back to my experience so many years ago and I know what happened.  That doesn't help the pain of Her not being here though.  It only gives me hope and faith.  That too doesn't stop the anguish living in this nightmare all day everyday.  Even the small distractions aren't enough.  That's when I'm pretending but even with that, it's still there.  She's not here with me physically.  I know She can't ever be here with me that way, and that I can only go to Her.  No one and nothing can inflict a greater torture on me than I feel all my waking and sometimes my sleeping moments.  The hope is that it's soon, and the faith is that it will happen someday. 

When I think about my body, it's a different entity.  Every cell, even cancer cells, viruses, infection, etc. strive to survive.  They will fight off anything that tries to destroy it.  Yes, our immune system can be modified with vaccines to fight back, many work and many don't.  It's when those cells that harm our bodies win out and destroy us.  Even after we're dead, they keep going on trying to survive, feeding on us till there is nothing left to feed on and then they die.  

That's why the only defense I have is to let nature take it's course.  I don't know for how long I will suffer, but suffer I will till I go to Her.  She's depending on me to see it through I think.  I will not relent and hurry it up because it might not only bring eternal suffering to myself, but more importantly bring Her eternal suffering. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 31, 2019 at 6:52am

Hi Joe,

I do see the picture of your wife. She is a very pretty. When I post my pictures I do see them before I post. I didn't do anything special, maybe it is your computer. 

Morgan, I am right there with you on your thoughts. Why do I have to stay on this earth when all I want to do is be with my Julian.

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