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Comment by Richard G on June 4, 2015 at 9:07pm

I feel the pain of all the people in this group. Sometimes the grief is so over powering. I find it hard to be out in public and see couples knowing that my love is gone. I wonder if they appreciated what they have or take it for granted. I wonder if I will ever feel joy again. This is not living, it is merely existing. I somehow managed to exist my way through another day. If I'm unlucky enough to wake up in the morning I will find a way to get through tomorrow. I don't think most people can even imagine the depth of pain we are experiencing. I wish none of us had need of this site but I'm glad I have a place to communicate with others that understand. I wish you all some moments of peace.

Comment by Tildyc on June 4, 2015 at 2:31pm

The painful thoughts keep pummeling me today. It feels like my heart and mind are under siege the couple of days. This a type of darkness that eats me alive. I don't know how to escape it. I swear- I may as well find something strong to start self medicating for these darkest of dark days. I cannot bare this any longer. I need all these heart breaking words of loss to stop repeating over and over in my head. I don't want to cry anymore. I need Mark to make this all stop. But I will never have his help or love again. This needs to end.

Comment by morgan on June 4, 2015 at 12:23am

John…..We are all drifting in this boat on a vast ocean of sorrow.  Inability to get in the shower is very familiar.  And looking at things now and looking back at what we were saying to help our loves is just another dagger to the heart.  Yep, the pillar is familiar as well.  Sometimes I don't make it to someplace discrete.  Does it get to palace where it isn't so raw?  I've read that some people make it there.  I don't get those raw feelings as often but I am having worse times with the intensity now.  The begging and pleading to be removed from this earth has not subsided.  

Try not to beat yourself up for the love part though.  Your wife knew you loved her.  She wanted you.  Period.  With all the warts and bruises.  Trust me.  I can tell by the intensity of how you feel about her she felt the same about you.  And yes, it's painful, confusing, lonely and much much more…….how are we doing it?  I don't know.  I don't really feel I am "doing" anything, I am just "doing" because I am breathing.  That's it.  No more, no less.  Like bluebird said, this is a cruel way to have to live life.  And now I will have to go to bed and try to sleep and hope against hope I don't see the light of day tomorrow.  

Comment by bluebird on June 3, 2015 at 11:29pm

I do that too, m morgan -- beg my husband to come back to me or, if he can't, to come get me and take me to wherever he is.  And then I feel guilty for doing so, because if there is an afterlife then I might be causing him pain. But I cannot do this, I will not do this.

I feel so bad for all of us. This is a fucked up way to run life, letting our loved ones die and leave us behind, without even the assurance (in my opinion, anyway) that they continue to exist and that we will be reunited.  If there is a god, s/he is unspeakably cruel.

Comment by morgan on June 3, 2015 at 11:26pm

Count me in Tildyc and Bluebird.  I still cannot believe he is dead.  He's dead. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  I beg him daily in my tearful breakdowns to please come and get me.  Doesn't he see me?  Can't he see I cant do this?  

Nothing in my life has broken me like this. I want nothing more than to not have to wake up tomorrow morning.  

Comment by bluebird on June 3, 2015 at 11:18pm

I know exactly what you mean, Tildy. I literally cannot comprehend this horror. I refuse to accept it. To me, the world does not exist anymore, I am just existing in hell, hopefully only temporarily.

 

I don't want to live without my husband, either. I have zero interest in any kind of life without him. You said "Why is my broken heart still beating?" -- I ask myself that constantly, too.

Comment by Tildyc on June 3, 2015 at 11:15pm

All day long I've been plagued by those feelings of disbelief that he's gone. My confused and broken psyche keeps trying to behave as if he's still alive. That he's going to be in all the same places he should be. That he's going to call and let me know when he's going to be home.

Every where I went today was a flash back. At work this morning- the memory of how he would come in and visit me for a moment was with me all day. I remember the exact look in his beautiful eyes, the shuffling way he would walk, that very slight California boy accent left over from his youth. It takes every ounce of my willpower to hang on long enough to go hide in the bathroom before the tears start.

All day- and now- so many many memories and moments... Some are beautiful and some that are gut wrenching- but all of it hurts so so so much. It never really stops either. This pain is always right near the surface and breaks through several times a day. But today- it's a bad one. Tears and sadness.

This weight is so heavy. This loss is so undeniably permanent. It has destroyed everything I was and has left behind just a shell. I don't want to live anymore. Not like this... Not without Mark.

Why is my broken heart still beating?

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on June 3, 2015 at 8:42pm

Another good article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheryl-sandberg/choosing-life-and-fin...

Comment by morgan on June 3, 2015 at 12:51am

I want to thank all of you for being here and writing about your feelings of loss and sorrow.  Without you I don't know how I would have handled my feelings so far because even with you it is so so hard.  There are a lot of really smart people on here who are able to put into words what is happening as a result of what the death of our spouse has done to us.  Even those who write a about the loss of a child have much to say.  Short posts, long posts have given me a place to try and understand.

At this point I have reached a new phase in my journey.  I have spent 28 months trying to do things because I still breathe and because I have to pay bills.  I have tried to deal with the constant thoughts of my husband during that time by crying.  I have done things to keep myself distracted at a manic pace.  I am still trying to do the same thing but when I break down now I am getting more and more unwilling to continue.  I have said to myself that I couldn't take any measure that would make it impossible for me to connect to my husband if there is "another side".  I am not going down as often and at times (like now) I believe I will be able to ride this out.  But then lately, (in this new phase) when I go to the hole I go big time and I am having a real hard time feeling as though I can do this.  It hurts.  Physically the crying has compromised my system to the extent my throat and chest seem to be changing down my esophagus.  My veins, my skin, my eyes, everything is changing drastically.  I am now trying my best to prevent the crying because it hurts and yet I cant seem to stop the waves from hitting me.  And when they hit I can’t control them.  I mean at all.  Which is why I am finding it harder to continue.  I've had enough control up until just recently to stave off the worst of what death delivers.

Even though I am better for more hours out of every day the lows are bottomless. Before I thought there was somewhat ofa floor.  I am not sure why this has changed.  The problem is now getting past the point of having to live without having him embrace me.  I am now waking up to what that really means.  To know I will never see him again.  I will never feel him again.  This is forever.  To infinity.

I will keep trying but I am not sure how.  My intellect tells me I can and should and my feelings send me to another world.  Your support when you write of your own personal struggles tells me I am doing the best I can given the circumstances.  It's all I can do.  The rest is up to the universe.  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 2, 2015 at 11:07pm

Tildyc,

The reasons you state for not taking your own life are the very same for me, in the same order. I cannot risk losing being with Joseph in the afterlife, that is inconceivable. And secondly, my four siblings love me and if I took my own life, it would be a betrayal of their love for me. I cannot cause that kind of grief and agony to people who love me. So like you, I just have to live out the life I have. maybe death will come tomorrow or it may come in 30 years. I, like, the rest of humanity, have no way of knowing. So again, I take one day at a time.

Talking about being set free, wouldn't that be a gift? To wake up every morning with a heaviness and hopelessness because my beloved Joseph isn't here with me, and then make it through the rst of the day with the same pain and loneliness. Yes, being free from this state would be the greatest gift imaginable. I have a tiny ray of hope that one day I will reach that place, but it will take many years to arrive at that point. And to make it through all those years of loneliness and sorrow, one day at a time is extremely tough. I am reminded of Sisyphus, the mythical hero who was condemned to roll a boulder up a hill everyday, and once he got it to the top at the end of the day, the boulder would roll down at night, and thus his punishment would continue in the same way everyday. I feel my life has become like that with Joseph gone.

John, you are still deep in the grieving process. You have to first take care of yourself and then once you have gained some measure of peace then perhaps you can help your sister. You as a bereaved spouse who like many of us was a caregiver must heal first yourself and then take care of others.

The reason that I am in Bangladesh is because my brother is mentally handicapped and the rest of the siblings take turn in caring for him. In my case, I don't have to do anything for him (he has assistance), except that I am here physically to spend time with him so that he knows that his siblings love him and care about him. So don't be too hard on yourself. Take care of yourself first and then you can be compassionate and giving to your sister.

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