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Comment by morgan on June 13, 2015 at 2:57pm

Rachel,

It's everything I can do to keep from taking my life.  The only thing stopping me now is that I worry if I do I will be "disallowed" to unite with my husband again in case there is some kind of "rule" that says we are supposed to tough it out no matter how much it hurts because we are here until we are taken normally.  I have tried so damn hard to make it "through" the grief.  

Here's the problem with taking drugs and talking to professionals.  I can take a million pills but will that bring my husband back?  Will it rewire my brain so I don't think about him?  OMG……how awful that would be.  I can talk to a million counselors/ psychiatrists but have they been through this?  Probably not.  If I find those that have can they be there to talk me through it at night when I am laying there crying because I miss his arms round me and don't want to be alone?  Definitely not.  

Other than those two things I have done everything possible to distract myself and try to tell myself I don't have to keep struggling in hand to hand combat with my brain.  How am I supposed to stop thinking about the man who was my life force?  I was at the flea market today walking though it (alone) and stopped at a booth I liked and there was music box playing and the woman said "Oh, that is love story, the song".  Good god,.,,.,. how am I supposed to go "through" life like this?  I was with my husband for 35 years, known him since second grade and turned down his first marriage proposal when I was 18 only to return later at 28 and have a second chance.

This struggle can't last much longer….it just cant. I am hopeful my body is just going to give in.  

Comment by rachel_micele on June 13, 2015 at 1:20pm

I don't understand the "cure" for this either Tildyc. Reading sources on grief it's that you never get over it, you get through it, and learn to live with it. Well that sure don't sound fuckin' fun at all. I realized a couple days ago that for me it's only been 3 months. I couldn't believe that's it when I feel like it's been an endless eternity of hell. 

When this first happened I couldn't stop asking the question "how". How you do this (life) when everything shattered and exploded right in my face. I still don't really know. Still working to believe this even happened. Is there any worse emotion even possible than grief?? 

I can't imagine m morgan still going through this nightmare at 28 months. How my heart feels for you. I hope I can get through this. At 35, if I don't, that's so many years left of misery and heartache ... 

Comment by morgan on June 13, 2015 at 12:16am

I've been reading the last couple days but have held back writing as I have also held back contacting anyone to see if I could stand on my own without any kind of support mechanism or verbal contact.  Can't say it has gone real well but I know things have changed.  

I have been working outside and doing a lot of creative projects which keep me occupied.  In a way distractions are the only thing that have kept me going for the entire time since my husband died.  What has not changed though is that I still have no reason to be here.  In fact by disconnecting even more it has become more apparent that this is ONLY an exercise to keep me from killing myself because I can see nothing that I wish to do that will give me any joy.  Nothing.  No creativity, no gardening, no keeping up with daily routine that means a damn thing.  This is a very hollow existence.  

Before when I did these same kinds of things I found great satisfaction in doing them because I was doing them to keep us going.  Trying to save money here and there by doing things ourselves gave us a little more to spend on doing something a little fun or nice for ourselves.  I have no one special who I care enough about to share that with now.  

I've known all along that this is what my future looks like and I think I have tried so hard doing things to prove to everyone else that grief didn't make me crazy, or stupid or depressed.  I just simply have nothing to live for.  Everyone thinks you just substitute things that you might have wanted to do or were too busy to do.  

I am working myself like a maniac now.  In order to eat and shop and work all by myself it is all I can do  to maintain.  And then there are the times when I can’t function.  Just too broken to get out of bed. 

Yesterday I tried to calmly take the couple watches he used to wear into the jewelers' to have them cleaned and batteries put in.  I had cried earlier in the day and when I got to the point of crossing the street I ended up on the bench crying again.  Then when I thought I was ok to go and do it I walked in and the woman was so damn chipper I started again.  It was everything I could do to stutter out a few word through the tears. I got out the door as fast as I could and shuffled across the street back to my van and cried some more.  Some people ended up wondering if I was ok and more tears.  I just can hardly go out and do stuff as something ends up getting me started crying horribly.  

I can't live like this.  I have hours where I go along and deal with what life requires of me but when the down times hit I spiral out of control and I cannot stop it.  And there are days when those down times hit over and over and over.  How can this be happening at 28 months?  I can't keep pouring out grief like this.  

For those who have somehow managed to get beyond the sorrow and have repaired their lives enough to be with family and friends or do things that give them some satisfaction I am so glad for them.  As deep as my love was then is as deep as my hatred is now of having to live it alone.  I don't want to get better.  I am here on this earth because I breathe not because I am looking to do more in life.  I had EVERYTHING I wanted.  I already did what I wanted.  

I have changed from sorrow tinged with despair to sorrow laden with hatred.  The grief does change with time only mine as not gotten better.  I think some people do better.  Appearances can be deceptive though.  Hopefully most of you will find it better as time passes.  You will find reason to live.  Me, I'm just passing time and hating every minute of it.

Comment by Tildyc on June 11, 2015 at 11:40pm

Nothing is getting any better.

The accepted and generalized expectation is that in time- a person is suppose to begin to feel better. To start to recover from this loss. To "heal?"

But- for me- that makes no sense at all. The only "cure" for this pain is for Mark to come back. And since that can never happen- there is no cure or hope of recovery. I will never heal. This is it for me. I seriously cannot feel happiness at all.

Earlier on in this nightmare, I had a small hope that I could someday be ok again. How naive I was.

Every time that I open my eyes to another day- I grow more despondent and more hopeless. I don't feel I can get any lower but then... I do. I realize now that this situation never improves. In fact- each day there's always yet another new and painful memory or object or thought that drags me deeper into this senseless and empty reality.

The only true cure? When my eyes never open to another day without Mark in it.

When we are finally together once again.

Comment by Tildyc on June 9, 2015 at 9:32am

"I'm here without you baby."
"But you're still on my lonely mind."

Comment by Tildyc on June 9, 2015 at 9:32am

Went for a long drive yesterday to a secluded area- a Porcupine free zone to walk the dogs. I had my phone plugged in for music. I had forgotten that I had downloaded a very special song. The song came on – it's called "Here without you baby", by 3 doors down. It was a song that he played for me. He often listened to it when he was out commercial fishing on his boat when he was gone 2-3 months at a time.

My god- I had to pull over to the side of the road due to all the tears that were in my eyes. I sobbed so hard that I damn near had another anxiety attack right there on the side of the road. Thank God it's secluded and nobody came by and witnessed this display.

I cried for the rest of the entire day and until I finally went to bed last night. Then I cried myself to sleep.

This is so hard and painful. I begged and pleaded for him to come get me. I tell him that we would have so much fun together if the both of us where free of our earthly bounds. The places we could go, the things we could see. The sheer joy, love and happiness would be something never experienced before – Somehow I believe this deep within my soul. We would never be apart again. Both of us so very happy. Staying here on earth without him is a life long and unjust prison sentence. But I'm not sure why I must stay- I can't remember ever doing anything to deserve this....

I miss him so GD much.

Comment by Richard G on June 8, 2015 at 6:33pm

I went to my sisters for two days. It was the first time I've traveled anywhere without Cherie in years. I completely lost it and my sisters house and seriously thought that I was going end up in the pysch ward. My sister was very understanding and just held my hand while I fell apart. Somehow I managed to pick myself back up and get through the rest of the day. I came back home today, I feel closer to Cherie here. The days suck but I can at least make it through the day. I'm afraid that one of these days the pain will be more than my mind can take and I will spend the rest of my days in a rubber room.

Comment by rachel_micele on June 7, 2015 at 10:57pm

No need to apologize Tildyc. Write exactly how you feel. Be real. Be raw. It's okay! I feel like grief puts on a completely different planet and we need someplace to be able to express this awful hell, as yes, it's not out in society where everyone else's life continues happily on. I so appreciate people on this website expressing exactly how it is. I don't feel quite so alone in this unbearable nightmare.

Comment by Tildyc on June 7, 2015 at 12:44pm

I apologize if my posts upset anyone. I realize they are mostly dark and disparaging. Not at all uplifting or comforting. It's just that this is the only place I can come and state exactly how I'm truly feeling. I cannot do that with anyone else on the "outside." To them I have to fake everything. Hide the fact that I'm broken and empty. Dark- and so very different from them and who I use to be. A strange quiet outsider.

Comment by Tildyc on June 7, 2015 at 1:52am

I don't know what to do. I can't escape. The sadness just goes on and on........

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