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Comment by rachel_micele on June 23, 2015 at 8:48pm

PotatoLord - Out of my pain, I too will feel envious of those who had more time with their love than I did. It's like I want to say to them, at least you had the time you did when I had so little, almost to dismiss their grief. But I know that's just my anger talking and while I don't think it's right to judge anyone's pain, I've just concluded for now it's the same world of grief just a different twist. It's like we're heartbroken because we didn't have the time and what comes with it and they are heartbroken because they did. And each one is still an awful hell. 

Maybe when it comes to being grateful for the time we did have is where we can struggle more and where this envy roots from. I don't know.

Nor do I mean any offense to anyone, just working to process is all. I wish none of us was going through any of this.  

Comment by morgan on June 23, 2015 at 11:41am

Every day is something different but this morning I have determined that I am a functioning invalid. I've known it for a time now I am just writing about it. Sounds contrary but I can't say I have healed or am healing from the ripping open of my heart, but to the outside world I stand and walk and talk and seem to be getting better.  

I have always been a pretty emotional person.  I was brought up in Catholicism but pretty much understood when Santa went south that the stories were about the same.  Then I just tried to go inside myself and become as aware as I could about natural law…. the earth, the dirt, the sea, who we all were and get together a philosophy of why.   I practiced yoga and explored astrology for awhile and I still get some small benefit to my psyche from wind chimes and things that sparkle.  Lately its been studying physics and getting further away from the distractions of the noise of living.  But technically I am sick.  An invalid.  My emotional side has been hijacked to the ward of the sick and it isn't coming back.

Every day something intrudes into my space and time and lets me know like a sledgehammer that nothing about my former life exists.  I suffer inside every moment.  Emotion torn asunder.

I think there should be a place that people like me could go and just sign on the dotted line and let them finish what has left me in limbo because this is certainly not living.  I may breathe, I may eat and do daily task but I am only a functioning invalid.  I am hurting as much with my pain as anyone who has a terminal illness.

Am I in the worst shape possible?  No.  I can think that there are millions of people that have it worse than I do living in my old reality of war and poverty and plague and overall dismal conditions and yet I feel as bad about my own condition as I they must do about theirs.  

So I will get up and get my tea and at some point eat something and with all the conveniences that I have I will go about my day as though nothing has happened and to most people that is exactly what it looks like.  But at some point the sledgehammer will hit (actually it already has which has precipitated this post) and I will be the blubbering incapacitated invalid that I now function like on a daily basis in the inside and look normal to those who have no idea that I died back in 2013.  

All I want is my husband.  I'll take him in any form I can get him and if I can't have him then let me go.  Please.  Life has gone on plenty long for me.  Let me go…..

Comment by Richard G on June 21, 2015 at 11:54am

Angela, It is really hard to be in the empty house I shared with my love Cherie. I know how you feel. It has been just over two months and I don't how I make it through the days. It is frustrating how all the rest of the world goes back to their lives. When I lost my first wife to cancer someone stayed overnight with me the first night after she died. When I told my second wife's family that they said we won't let that happen this time. So when I lost Cherie my second wife to cancer they were right it didn't happen. What happened was nobody stayed with me the first night. I don't know how I got through that night and all the days that have followed. They only comfort I can offer is that you are not alone. Hugs and prayers to you.

Comment by Angela on June 20, 2015 at 11:39am

I never realized how much he filled my world. There is so much quiet and empty space. It stops me in my tracks. I don't want to do anything. It does not feel right walking through the house...the kitchen, every room is different now. There is such a huge void in my world and the sadness and yearning for him can be so unbearable. He has been gone 55 days...i hate this. I get angry that my husband was taken from me.
I can't even fathom thinking about my future without him in it. I struggle with each hour, minute, and second!
I just crash here on the couch alone among his books and art that he loved to much and I just cry.

Lord give me strength. I know life goes on but it's not how I want it. We had plans fur our future, things to do, places to go...TOGETHER.....I am fearful of navigating the world alone now.
This truly sucks!
The other part that sucks is all those people that came to the service and wanted to do things for me are nowhere now. They have all resumed their lives and mine, the way I knew it, stopped 55 days ago. I have called several people who are busy, don't answer their phones. It's so lonely.

Comment by Nancy on June 18, 2015 at 10:01pm

I had someone hit on me today. It was the first time in a long time, and my man was not here to defend me. It made me feel very alone and vulnerable. I wanted to respond to the guy with something really nasty or really direct but in the end I didn't say anything at all.

I miss him. I just MISS him.

And I'm mad at that idiot that tripped my "sad" switch and threw me back into crying sobbing mode. I was doing really good too. It takes so little to trip it, and then it takes days to recover. I go back to all those days, the good ones and the bad ones, and the rush of mixed memories and feelings. And I have to come back here to this little group and see how everyone else is doing. And you're all still here. We are all still just here. This sucks.

Comment by Tildyc on June 18, 2015 at 1:00am

It's unreal that he is not ever going to be there again. If there are future upcoming events- all I can think is that Mark is not going to be there to do that with me. And how much more sense it would make if he were there- like he's suppose to be. My conscience cannot seem to adjust to this fact that I will be doing everything alone from now on. Without him.... For the rest of my life.


Without him.

Comment by Tildyc on June 17, 2015 at 10:04pm

I often flash back to the day he died. Today I cannot keep my mind off it. Not sure why- but the image of his eyes just before I called the ambulance is haunting me. The last words he said to me rip through my memory and heart. I'm right back there again- the evening he died. I began crying right when I walked in the door from work. I had been fighting back the tears all day. I cried until I exhausted myself and fell asleep. Then as soon as I woke up, I immediately began crying again.

I cry every day. But today- I cannot escape this onslaught. I just wish he would come get me - now. I just want to die and be with him. I'm sick of my existence. I can barely form a coherent thought right now. My soul has been turned inside out.

Comment by morgan on June 17, 2015 at 3:00pm

PART 2--I feel like I am living in hell.  Not all the time but when it comes now it comes in spades.  I am leveled by my own thoughts.  I feel so much for people who still HAVE to work and having problems with finances and need to still bring up children.  It’s so hard.  I mean how hard does life have to be?  

I thought because we struggled and sacrificed to live when we were together that was hard but NOTHING we did compares to this.  Nothing.  I just never imagined I could have been so tied to another person that this kind of damage could be done to my psyche that I couldn't fix at some point.  
Maybe that time will come but given the time record so far I am less distraught all the time but when I am it is horrendous.  35 years was a long time to wire my brain to the love and company of a person in whose eyes I saw myself because of the love I saw in his eyes.  I am bereft.  I am stunned.  I picked myself up off the cold hard stone floor to write this after crying myself to exhaustion so it probably isn't the best post I will ever make but I thank each and every one of you and this website for allowing me the space and time to unload and as I see new names appear on this board I want so much to help all of us find a way through this mode of communication to find out the answers as to our ‘whys’ so the pain is not so difficult and yet I see each of us struggling to make sense of death.  We are a changed species after shaking hands with death.  We no longer live in the old reality and the new place we landed seems surreal.  Like each of you we would all prefer to be somewhere else.  Anywhere but here.  I think that is why we isolate.  It is just easier not to have to explain why we cannot tolerate the old reality anymore.  

I just wish for those who can adjust, the best life possible, given their experience and for those of us who find it much more difficult I wish a speedy exit in the quickest least painful way possible.  Maybe some day we will all understand the big secret of the cosmos and the big question of why will be answered.  In the meantime thanks to all who write.  It helps me to understand that pain like this is not abnormal.

Namaste.

Comment by morgan on June 17, 2015 at 3:00pm

PART1--the sorrow surrounding the death of my other half is the likes of which no one can really describe in words……It is felt. It is felt so deeply there is no floor or ceiling to the emotion.  

I have after almost 29 months of this, come to understand that just when I think I might be able to function in the old reality the sorrow comes at me and swings its bat at my head and knocks me unconscious…….then I drift into the alternate reality experiencing emotion that I would never have thought possible to feel…...

just now after talking to the friend who has stood by me (he made a promise to my husband he would watch over me) and we were talking about making plans for celebrating his birthday which happens to land on the anniversary date of my marriage but is preceded by my husbands own birthdate (June 25th) I leaped into the alternate reality and started spiraling out of control.  The minute I had to acknowledge that I would be facing his birthday now that he is gone (and our anniversary right after) and we will not be celebrating anything anymore I started the descent.  This time it was more furious and each time it seems to get deeper.  To be honest I think I have the beginnings of throat cancer.

Not only has that always been the weakest link in my body but since my husbands death and all the crying and screaming that takes place in order for me to get my emotions out I can feel a rawness and tightness in my throat now that seems to be growing.  I have also started some coughing that seems to be coming from my chest/esophageal area.  This time I ended up on the cold hard stone floor in my kitchen trying to answer the question ‘why’ knowing full well while I lay there that this is the same type of cold hard floor my husband died on and where I found him.  This is gut wrenching.  I know in my head there is NO good way that a person dies.  Nothing can explain away the why of how it is we die.  Why the heart?  Why cancer? Why suicide?  Why murder?  Why a bomb? Why any of the multitudes of the way we die?  We certainly don't make a choice to have it happen.  So why?  Even suicides I think are preceded by the combat a brain engages in with reality for the person who no longer can bear the pain of living.  So why?  Why does death come and strip the living of their soul?  

Comment by Jeni on June 17, 2015 at 11:33am

I read all these heart wrenching stories and my love goes out to you all.My partner of 2.5 years passed away tragically in Jan this year due to a medical misdiagnosis by a doctor at a hospital who simply refused to listen to and acknowledge the scenario if events that had transpired with a seizure and cardiac arrest early on the morning of Sunday 11 Jan 2015. After carrying out CPR with a trauma nurse who heard my cries for help, my partner survived.Upon admittance the young doctor made her own diagnosis ...refused my partner be admitted and stated that it was a seizure and if it happened again they would look at it more thoroughly.4 hours later my partner died in my arms at home ...I started CPR...the paramedics got a feint heart beat and a week in ICU ...but in essence he died in my arms.
The journey was compounded by cultural issues with his family. A bombardment of defamatory postings, closing down of my business site out of spite ....and now proceeding with legal actions and injunctions ...my grieving process has been complicated and at times I feel like just giving up. Like all of you, people don't understand, they are unable to unless they stand in your shoes and walk in them. So for some of us we travel the journey alone, we grieve quietly and in the early hours of the morning, we cry softly to ourselves. For me , I feel I died in January. The person I was no longer exists, the life I had no longer existed and in a few minutes everything I understood and believed in was gone.
The journey for me, will be forever.The grieving will be forever and yes we change spiritually, we change sometimes physically and in essence we re establish who we are, why we are here and how we move forward.
For me people have difficulty in understanding that feelings and love don't disappear when the person we love is no longer physically with us. Quite the contrary the feelings and emotions intensify ...and with that a highlighting of the huge loss, the huge void in ones life. I have my moments ...they just arrive unexpectedly...a flooding of the tears...a breaking of ones heart ....and a deep pain a deep yearning to have back the one thing we want most. No one can ease the pain no one except the person we love ....so I send my love to you all...the journey is hard it is painful ....I cry myself to slept every night ...I wake up hoping that each day the pain will lessen ...it doesn't and for me I don't believe it ever will. Feeling alone ...walking the journey alone ...is hard ...painful and I thank you all for sharing your stories which creates a bond an understanding and a inner peace that I pherhaps I won't have to walk this journey .and face the darkest hours ...alone ....because truly the pain the loss ...there are no words ....and only those who travel a similar journey truly understand the feeling of losing the person /s one loves so deeply so intensely ...that at the moment of loss the world stops for us ...we become suspended even though those around us are doing things saying things or progressing with whatever ...for me my world stopped ....I lost myself ...and the journey forward ....is hard ....lonely and will be forever. Jeni x

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