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Comment by Steve Suehiro on July 2, 2015 at 11:03am

AnneJ, what you said:

" Wandering in my soul, bereft. Brutally lonely for the life we shared, the friends we had, the peace and sweetness of our bed as we turned out the lights and said goodnight."  

You have quite eloquently captured the essence of how I feel.

My wife had been estranged from her family for many years - in fact it was not until a few years ago that she reached out to them and reconnected.  Now that she is gone, her cousins and aunts have become confrontational and combative towards me - as if my wife's passing was my fault somehow.  Since I am already grappling with survivors guilt their attitude is not helpful to me in any way. 

I have myself had those painful moments where I collapse into a sobbing heap, crying out for my wife, wailing as if to do so would bring her back.   I too have her urn next to the bed we used to share, still unable to work up the strength to inter her remains.   A bit short of 11 months after she has passed and I still cannot bear to move the things on her desk that she had placed there, I am still wearing my wedding ring, and just recently was talked into changing my profile pic on FB because someone told me it was weird for me to have a photo of the both of us since she is gone. 

I know that someday this will fade, and I will get accustomed to this life, and perhaps at that time I will choose to fade from this group.  But for now,  you folks are among the only people around who I believe understand the depth of the misery and loneliness my loss has brought, and my inconsolable pain and sadness.  Without you folks I would truly be alone on this journey through the darkness.

 

Comment by Tildyc on July 1, 2015 at 8:21pm

Jeni- Ty for your kind words. If means more than you know. And yes- Mark will forever be a part of me, a inseparable part of my very conscience. In my heart and my soul. I do feel as if m morgan had a point about having a shared conscience and our love actually somehow is keeping our lost one within our realm and we are still connected and will never be truly apart. At least that is what I've come to understand/believe thus far. I just wish there could be some kind of undeniable communication somehow- someway.

John T- "There are times when it just seems like it has to be all a nightmare because reality couldn't be so painful."

I whole heartedly agree- how could my reality end up so incredulous? Completely foreign and un-recognizable? My poor traumatized psyche still keeps letting all those small things sneak in that use to be so normal and routine. Like I'm continuing to sleep on my side of the bed and reaching out at night to try and feel him next to me or I'm still careful not to put that extra scoop of coffee in because Mark doesn't like his coffee so strong. There so many things that hold me in that place- in my past. And I sure as hell do not want this new reality. It is total BS. It is so not what it was suppose to be. WTF?

The more time that passes- the more convinced I become that the only way to ever to be truly happy again is to be set free. To shed this heavy burden that life has now become and to be reunited with my soulmate. To finally be at peace once again.

Comment by Jeni on June 30, 2015 at 10:54pm

To TildyC I always read your posts and I feel your pain. The journey is a very personal and painful one and I know I have been there and I go there everyday. At times the darkness shrouds one and the light appears that it will never shine through. Unfortunately I live in Australia, far away physically but not in spirit. For all of us we know our lives have changed, I know that feeling of just not wanting to be here, to be with the person I love the most. I know that at night it becomes difficult because we feel the lonliness and every second of every minute of every hour of every day we miss the person we love. Love.... is present .... because they are with us, in our hearts in our souls. They are with us in all we do, in what we think what we say in every way......TildyC ....I think of u often... and I send my love to you, its journey that you are travelling, and if I can be there with you, at any time, I will..... Jeni

Comment by Steve Suehiro on June 30, 2015 at 10:23pm

It's been close to 11 months for me and I still have not interred my wife. I will when I am ready and not a moment sooner- anyone who has a problem with it can mins their own business

Comment by Steve Suehiro on June 30, 2015 at 10:22pm

John do not let anyone rush you through this- grief is always personal and unique and most often people have no clear understanding that we are doing what we need to do to cope.

Comment by Dianne M. on June 30, 2015 at 9:26pm

Tildy I get that. My husbands sister, niece and kids wanted to come for a visit. His sister kind of announced that they were coming and I didn't say anything at first but the more I thought about it the more depressed I became and started back down that deep dark hole again. I am just now feeling good and not crying all the time and getting out and enjoying things again. So I sent her an email and said I was not ready for them to come for a visit. Maybe next year but not now. I am glad I stood up for myself.

Comment by Tildyc on June 30, 2015 at 8:57pm

My Mark's nephew blew into town last Saturday. He was in town for only 8 hrs to off load their fish, refuel and then back out again. I hadn't seen him since Mark's passing in Feb. When he walked through my door and said "Hi Aunty!" and hugged me with tears in his eyes... It put me right back to those first dark days after Mark died. That feeling of being "gutted" and so desperate and broken.

It used to be such a joyous occasion when our nephew showed up. Dinner, drinks and so much laughter. This time- just sadness and heartbreak. No joy.

After he was gone- I realized that this below standard exsistance- this life I'm having to live without any hope of escape- is now my reality.

EVERYTHING in my life is now experienced without true happiness. I do not have that "spark" (for lack of a better word) anymore. It's gone forever- it died with Mark.

The thought of so many years ahead like this.... I cannot face it. It is so deeply depressing and hollow. So- senseless. What has happened to this life of mine? I do not want it anymore and I just want out.

Comment by Steve Suehiro on June 30, 2015 at 7:22pm

good to hear John- remember as I do: the only way out is through

Comment by Steve Suehiro on June 30, 2015 at 5:11pm

John T.-   As a funeral director in California, I know that Diane could not have been cremated without a disposition permit being issued.  Did you tell the mortuary that you intention was to have Diane cremated and her cremated remains interred at Mission San Luis Rey?  If so, this should already be listed on the permit. If you did this and a new permit needs to be issued at this time,  this is an error that is the fault of the mortuary.

PM me if you would like me to contact the mortuary on your behalf to make an inquiry

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 30, 2015 at 3:21pm

Thank you, Steve Suehiro, for your constructive comments. Yes, this site is very diverse:members are at different stages of grief, are of different ages, and from backgrounds. The one thing that brings us all together is grief, the unspeakable grief of having lost a beloved soulmate. I think it would serve us all best if we try to keep in mind that no matter what stage we at or the circumstances, we all are in deep pain, that's why we visit this site, so treating each other with respect and sensitivity will go a long way in helping our fellow members. I, for one, come to this forum for support and sympathy, and that's what I expect to find here. And of course, us venting about our emotions and complaining about our life, that's very common here too.

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