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Comment by morgan on July 31, 2015 at 1:41am

Part 2 ~I have lost all sense of time.  I can’t nail down any sleeping pattern. I can dress nicely and be super hygenic and a clean machine and then I just fall back for days.  I hardly play at all with my kitty cat and she is so sweet.  I am just a mess just a different kind of mess now.  I see myself slipping down but instead of climbing into the hole all the time I am languishing in a puddle.  That’s the word, languishing.  Synonyms: wasting away, deteriorating, flagging, declining.  Neglecting myself and everything around me.  Boy, is that ever a 180 from who I was. 

Not sure the constant crying for years was better but I do think I see a shift.  Maybe my body has thrown up the wall because it cannot take any more meltdowns.  I don’t know.  I just know I don’t feel any better I just feel different.  Entering a different universe than I have been for the past two and half years.  There should be a peaceful choice for euthanasia for people like me.  I don’t know if I would have the guts to take it but it should be there regardless.  Dog, what I’d do for this all to be over……..

morgan

Comment by morgan on July 31, 2015 at 1:40am

Part 1~~I haven't posted for a week because I think I am going through the first significant shift in my grief in the two and half years since my husband died.  I wanted to sort of get ahold of what it is I am feeling before writing about it.  

It seems as though the ongoing, consistent, overwhelming, soul ripping episodes of crying have decided to subside. I’ve had three days in a row twice now where I havent broken down. That is a record.  It has only really changed since I turned the two and half year mark on July 21st so that is why I am still in somewhat of disbelief but I have noticed that up through the last week to ten days just about anything would send me to the hole and tears would flow in buckets and the desperateness would just tear me apart.  I can't even describe to you what that has done to me physically for this long but all of a sudden it is like a big blank wall has appeared between me and the constant anguish of missing him. I look at his picture and I am numb.  I think about what we did together and I am numb.  I work through a day and I am numb.  It's like someone has given me an unending dose of emotional novocaine.  I don’t like it any better but it seems to be happening. 

I have no friggin idea why this is happening.  It has now changed my daily battle against the forces of loss to something akin to losing my mind.  A sort of dementia.  It's not that I am forgetting I am just numb.  I've fallen back to the place I was for months where I don't get out of my pajamas.  I just lay in bed or on the couch.  I am extremely tired all the time.  I am counting calories to try and kill myself.  Slow starvation.  None of this is apparent to anyone  because I am hardly around anyone.  I am determined to die.  I have lost all interest in living and I hate what the world represents anymore.  Its the most bizarre confluence of thoughts and feelings.  When I was crying and under duress I felt alive.  There was no mistaking that I was.  Now I find myself losing sense of direction, spatial distance, etc.  Not in a real memory loss way, just that blank opaque wall.  Nothing is penetrating except hatred of my surroundings.  The fervent desire and determination to escape and not because of pain but because of a sense of dislocation.  

I believe a lot of this is stemming from something I have said from the beginning but it is now really begging for its own exclusive presence in my mind.  The thought is "I have nothing left to lose".  The Nothing means my life.  I have become numb to the crisis of loss. I am at the same time fearful and fearless.  Like in the movies I’m in the car hanging over the cliff.  If I am saved I go back to prison(fearful), so maybe its fine if the car goes over the cliff and the story ends (fearless).

Comment by rachel_micele on July 30, 2015 at 10:28am

Merriam Webster's definition of grief: A deep and poignant distress caused by, or as if by, bereavement.

My definition: Existing in 3 places at once of back "there", on a distant planet, and on this foreign planet connecting only to the first.

Comment by morgan on July 29, 2015 at 1:17am

Anne,

Just wrote a post and accidentally deleted it……..I do yoga at home.  I learned it in college and did it through my 20's, quit and then picked it back up again at 38.  Did it for 23 years until my husband died.  Only do it halfheartedly now. The idea behind it is consistency and slow motion.  

Hatha yoga is what I practiced.  Here is a link from one that I quickly picked up on You Tube.  Not because of the title but she does a lot of the postures that I do a modified version of and then I have others I also do.  Hatha is the best version I think. Just concentrate on the movement of the posture and because you concentrate and breathe you are never supposed to push past the point of where it hurts.  Only up to the point of comfort. Anyhow, here is a video to watch.  I am sure there are others or just go learn from a teacher and then do your own modified version at home.  I used to do it every day after taking my morning shower which loosened up my muscles.  No more than 15 minutes but everyday.  I am not as compelled now but I do it periodically so I don't stiffen totally.

Good luck and namaste…...

morgan

http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=bofQabiS3C4 

Comment by morgan on July 28, 2015 at 6:12pm

Anne~  I have done the same thing you have.  Laid around and ended up so stiff I could barely walk.  Didn't help that I fell ten feet off a ladder.  At the two year mark I decided I couldn't stand the physical pain on top of the emotional pain and started doing my yoga again.  I am not as dedicated to it as I was before but it as helped me stop feeling doubly bad.  I really am not doing it to "get" better just enough so I can walk without pain.  I will never return to how limber I was, I just want to be able to move around a bit easier than what set in for the past couple years of not moving around.  It seems that as time passes and I am still here I need to make decisions and I base them on doing the minimum amount keeping me alive since my wishes still, after all this time, is to die.  

Comment by Tildyc on July 27, 2015 at 10:02pm

Agreed. I'm sooo sick of those folks. They are completely oblivious to this world in which we now have no choice but to exist. I had someone say something a long the same lines a while back . Their timing was extremely terrible- I was.... am in a bad place. I was infuriated. I am sure it was completely well meaning.... But it was NOT what I needed. I told them to "eff right off." I realize it wasn't appropriate but.... When I hear folks sputter that standard type of response- it is soo insensitive and un- helpful. They just cannot relate to this.

Comment by bluebird on July 27, 2015 at 5:37pm

i hate it when people try to tell me how my husband would feel or what he would want for me. NO ONE in the universe kniws him better than i do, and no one in the universe knows me better than he does, so everyone else needs to keep their mouths shut on the topic. Besides, BECAUSE my husband knows me so well, he knows i cannot be happy or at peace without him.

Comment by nicole irving on July 27, 2015 at 5:30pm

Tidlyc i am always thinking of those unhappy couples also why take someone happy, or the drug addicts down the road that are the same age as mike , whydo they still manage to survive and mike died. everyone keeps saying mike would just want you happy i of all people know that. but they are not the ones trying to get their head around it

Comment by Tildyc on July 27, 2015 at 3:25pm

Most likely NEVER will I meant to say.

Comment by George H on July 27, 2015 at 3:24pm

You know anne I see it like being in a magic show one wave of the Wond my life disappeared and now I don't know how to reverse the trick

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