Comment

Comment by morgan on August 26, 2015 at 1:35am

Tildyc,

Having hit a really rough patch myself in the past two weeks I cant be of much help.  Everything that seemed so surreal for years is now turning real.  It's like a whole other layer that is now being uncovered.  I keep thinking that somehow or another my brain and body will find a way to manage this loss.  And I wait.  And while I wait I cry.  Not as often but when I do it now it has become way worse than it has been.  It's not as though I don't understand what has happened to me and what I should do its just my thoughts will not allow me.  Everyone says I should take meds.  Its the only thing i have not done to help myself.  I am just not sure that meds are the answer and I have never been much for pill taking. I just cant see where a pill will be ready to react when the emotion decides to control me but more importantly I don't see how it is going to help bring my husband back.  That is really the problem.  

There will be some relief from the pain Tildyc but it will be very slow and as long as seven months has been for you it is still so early in your grief.  I couldn't believe it myself but this is a really hard hard time in what we call our lives.  Time has become endless.

I can't speak for anyone else but I am beat to shit from the strain of the grief and all I can do at times is try to remember that in the scope of the world I have to be more compassionate towards those who have it worse than I do.  It is the only thing that gives me any perspective on this journey.  My home is not being bombed.  I am not  hungry.  I am able to flush a toilet and drive a car and love my kitty cat.  As difficult as my life is now I have to somehow compare it to those who must have it worse.  Its not much but its all I've got.

Take care and go have a warm cup of milk and some carbs and see if you can sleep.  I am going to go and try to do the same.    

Comment by Tildyc on August 26, 2015 at 12:36am

Everyday- life gets more meaningless and more useless. I'm so completely lost and unable to understand what I'm suppose to do. It has only been almost 7mos and I just keep getting lower.

I feel I am going to have to begin to self-destruct somehow..... I cannot just keep living with this all consuming pain. I cannot find any good reason what-so-ever to just keep on living like this for no reason. Why the fuck should I?

Comment by Tildyc on August 20, 2015 at 8:48pm

Angela- I'm so sad to hear about your Chloe. My 2 dogs are my world now. I'm soo sorry.

Comment by bluebird on August 19, 2015 at 11:16pm

morgan, I understand that.  I work because I have to, I barely make it paycheck-to-paycheck as it is (in fact, I don't -- my Dad pays for my Obamacare health insurance, my sister and her husband help me out by lending me their car and doing a million other things for me, etc.), so I have to work, but my brain simply does not function as it used to.  I've never had a good short-term memory, but now it's really bad. I need to find another job, one closer to home (my current job is about 1.5 hours away, one way) and which pays more money, but I don't have the brainpower (or the emotional wherewithal) to actually do the work that would be required, from the job hunt to the interviews to the actual job. I used to be intelligent, I have a BA and an MFA, I worked for years as a paralegal, I am an excellent writer, etc. -- but none of that means a goddamn thing anymore, and none of it works anymore.

I am emotionally devastated, and if god or the universe or whatever won't just let me fucking die, then the least it could do would be to make it so that I have enough money to live on without working, because I'm no good for anything anymore.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 19, 2015 at 7:16pm

m morgan,

What you say here rings so true. It's been just over a year that the love of my life passed, leaving me devastated and inconsolable. For me the intensity of the weeping and crying has calmed a little. Even though I cry several times every single day, the crying is not as physically exhausting and gut-wrenching as it used to be. The tears are quiet, the kind that comes from a hopelessness knowing that I can't change a thing. My love is gone forever, my life is only a shadow of what it used to be, I survive day to day in a grey, cheerless, joyless world where every minute of my waking hour I deeply feel Joseph's absence and wish in vain that he were still alive. And every day I pray fervently for my early death. I do not want to live any longer; if it were up to me to choose when I die, I would choose to go now. I would take leave of my dear siblings and my good friends, ask them to forgive me for desiring my own early demise, and just go and join my beloved. But this is not how it works. When for nine months I prayed incessantly for Joseph's life and recovery, those prayers were not answered. Now when I pray for my early death, I doubt that my prayer will be answered. The laws of life and death are not in our hands. And so I go on living despite my desire for death, in spite of how terribly I miss my darling, in spite of how little life matters to me. The tragedy of surviving a tragedy is that you go on living when the one person who made your life, your world, is no more and you have to keep on living and will do so indefinitely... How sad, how cruel, how unfair!

Comment by Angela on August 19, 2015 at 7:57am

Nancy, my dog is 15 and a month after my husband died, she was diagnosed with chronic heart failure. She is on blood pressure meds and a diuretic....she has lost a ton of weight. Tom and I got her together from the local shelter in 2002....she has been the best friend ever. Her time is limited. Nothing like anticipating her death as well.... Tom loved our dog, Chloe. She misses him, I know it. She probably got sick with heart disease because she is heart broken too.

Comment by morgan on August 18, 2015 at 11:50pm

How is it that death has done this to us? We were living worrying about making sure we made enough to pay for our homes, utilities and clothing, insurance's etc and yet even with the worry of everyday life we had someone to share those worries with.  We could talk to each other about any and all of our everyday worries. Now we can barely work.  We cry explosively at the slightest trigger. We hardly get any decent sleep.  We are obsessed by thoughts.  Fears of how we can manage everyday tasks.  Feelings of constant aloneness/loneliness. How are we supposed to do this?  We have forgotten about living and only look at what it is taking for us to exist. 

All I have done is take baby steps.  For two and half years all I have done is exist. I have tried so hard to reconstruct a life.  Why?  Because I am supposed to want to live even without my spouse.  And all I have wanted over two and half years is to die.  It comes and goes in waves and sometimes the troughs are so damn deep I wonder if I will ever see anything beyond the height of the deepening waves. Then sometimes the waves will smooth out a bit and I coast for some hours on a more level field.  But I don’t see the sun.  Never.  I am not on a sun filled, spirited journey.  The shadow of death is always with me.  His being gone has affected me every minute for two and half years plus.  I do nothing without that being the overiding sense of how I exist now. 

How have I made it so far?  Well,I don’t expect much of myself.  I have been lucky in that I have not had to work but I know I cannot continue living off savings.  I did work for the first 7 months after my husband died because I had to but I knew I couldn’t continue doing that job.  So I sold our home, moved from an expensive place to a more affordable area, so downsizing helped. But I hate it because of the weather. So I have a little cushion after reinvesting into a simpler lifestyle but even that wont be enough to keep me going so I have to figure out something else to do If I continue to breathe.  Problem is my mind cannot focus on anything.  I have lost so many synapse connections it is so difficult to have conversations now.  And I have to write everything down.  That has gotten a bit better in the last month but overall it is not good.  And when I meltdown in public then I start stuttering and can’t even form an English sentence.

 

All of this has stayed pretty much the same throughout the last two and half years.  It has varied only in frequency but intensity and the shadow seem to be the same for many things and somewhat worse when I cry.  All I want is to leave this earth.  I haver repeated over and over to friends and family “ I have nothing left to lose” and it would be easy for me to go.  I don’t want to live longer, hope for some joy and end up dying in some home alone. I’d rather go now when I can still get around by myself. 

 

 

 

Comment by rachel_micele on August 18, 2015 at 11:19pm

"My dog is so sweet.
I wonder how much longer he will live before he goes to be with Will." 

I think something similar to my cat. She truly is the only reason that I've kept going. It sure hasn't been for me, anyone else, or to spend my days in this hell. She is around 8 years old and I'm scared for the day she dies. I often wonder how much time I have left with her to the point it's hard to enjoy time with her now. Will it be like Gary, here one moment, the next one gone, and all before we had our chance to be living together. She is at my parents house and I don't think I could take it if she passed before I had the chance to have her living completely with me. 

Comment by Nancy on August 18, 2015 at 8:56pm

I think I'm getting worse rather than better. I've been listening to my internal dialog lately, and it runs something like this:
My 2 yo is so cute!
My husband is dead.
My dog is so sweet.
I wonder how much longer he will live before he goes to be with Will.
I had a good day at work!
But my husband is gone.

Over and over. I'm like a record on repeat. The end result to everything that is good in my life is... My life was so good. I miss my husband. I miss my old life. I miss having my companion next to me supporting me.
I have to go to a funeral on Friday for another friend taken too early by stupid cancer. I don't know how I'll hold up.

Comment by Angela on August 16, 2015 at 11:49pm

I am tired of being responsible for everything. Selling a house, getting one kid to college, being given power of attorney of my husbands aunt....then all the crazy stuff that goes along with it....packing up the other house that is being sold, rearranging stuff to store items not needed for immediate use. Paying bills, getting the car repaired,working full time, cooking, cleaning, laundry....Tom and I shared those responsibilities. Now it's all on me. It's coming up on 4 months since he died. I, too, like most of you here feel empty, lonely, disconnected from the life I knew. Dreams shattered, plans cancelled. I miss his kisses and hugs.
So, my husband's friend's wife wanted to meet up for dinner. It was a nice visit until near the end. She was telling me how her husband is so distraught over Tom's death. When Tom died, this friend came to the house so I would not face this alone. The police were there and would not let me upstairs to see him. So my friend went up and suggested I not see him because some time had passed and it would be better to wait until the funeral home fixed. Him up. Well, tonight, his wife told me her husband was having flashbacks of seeing my husband dead. If that wasn't enough, she said he was found in an "unnatural position." What the hell does that mean?? I imagined him collapsed to the floor, quickly, lying face down head to the side. So, I questioned her as to what she meant by unnatural??? She struggled to go any further, but said it just was not a normal position one would be in. After I left her I totally lost it. I felt so bad that my husband may have hurt himself as he collapsed and visions of him with a leg or arm twisted or something. It's not the peaceful quick pass out and drop that I envisioned for my own peace of mine. Her telling me that made me think his collapse was more violent and painful then my imagination. I so wish she did not say that to me. It really has me freaking out. i can't shut out the thoughts in my head. I hate these thoughts.
I can relate to feeling meaningless....he was my world and I was his. My world is surreal...familiar yet not the same. I can barely think ahead an hour or two, let alone a few days or month. I can't remember things, I have to write everything down and then I lose the paper I wrote on. It's kind of like losing a limb, you know it is gone but you still feel it's there.i keep trying to function like he is still here and get angry and frustrated because he is not here.
That's enough for now I guess. I keep all of you in my thoughts.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 226
• 227
• 228
• 229
• 230
• …
• 339
• Next ›
• Page