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Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 1, 2015 at 4:38am

Hello All,

It's been a while since I posted even though I read your posts every time someone writes. August 4th was the one-year anniversary of my beloved Joseph's passing. The memorial gathering in Ithaca, NY was beautiful, moving, and uplifting. There were supernatural signs of Joseph's presence at the park during our eulogy. The gathering gave me a lift that lasted a couple of days, but I was very quickly back to feeling the deep angst and the unspeakable grief after a few days.

To be honest, the intense pain of the first one year has subsided. I no longer find myself lying on the floor for hours and howling, wailing, and weeping. The pain of loss now doesn't tear at my guts anymore, nor does it drive daggers of pain through my heart. Now I cry every single day, two or three times at specific times of the day: in the morning when I wake up, going to and coming back from work (Joseph and I taught at the same university), and when I am at home in the evening having to have my dinner without him. It's a sorry, miserable existence. Not gut-wrenching and physically debilitating, but deeply sad and without a glimmer of hope. I so want to leave this so-called life. And like so many of you here, I pray that my life be given to someone else who so wants to live--someone battling cancer or some other terminal illness who just want a few more years with their loved ones. My life is so miserable, lacking in purpose and every moment of my waking hours is full of the keen awareness of Joseph's absence. My heart just aches and there is no comfort. The belief that I will one day be reunited with him is the only thing that keeps me going and that's how I haven't fallen apart completely and I have been able to go back to my teaching job after one semester medical leave. But the day to day survival is agonizing and lonely. So I feel for you all and have deep empathy for the suffering you are facing. Hang in there and take care of yourselves. Hugs, Trina

Comment by Angela on August 31, 2015 at 9:07pm

I hate feeling! It hurts too much! I feel so lost and alone. Nothing can ever fill this void. I close myself in my room for hours each day after work. My world is empty.

Comment by bluebird on August 31, 2015 at 8:10am

Tildy -- I fully relate to what you're saying.  For me, I don't necessarily cry every day now, but it's not because I feel any better -- I don't.  I just go through life mostly numb, unfeeling, uncaring, and then sometimes I cry and sometimes I wail and scream and fucking curse the universe, when that "all-encompassing sadness" really decides to pierce me over and over and over and over again. 

Like you, all memories cause pain, even the good memories, because he isn't here with me anymore. I do NOT want a future without him. I don't want even one more day, one more hour, without him, and I absolutely do not want any more years.  Those years should be given to someone who wants to live, not to me.

You said you want to go into a dark room "...And remain there at least until all the marker days have slithered off into that gaudy, loud, brightly-lit-invasion of manic aggressive joyousness. Returning to chasms of whence they where spawn." -- VERY well said, and I agree.

It IS cruel that we continue to live when our souls have already died.  That is part of why I cannot believe in a loving god.

Comment by George H on August 31, 2015 at 7:24am

Hi everyone just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about any of you I'm just having a really hard time with Mary's death so I don't get online much but I try my best to keep up with all of you have a good day and I hope by our all - are doing better

Comment by nicole irving on August 30, 2015 at 5:50pm

its been 3 and a half months, and all i can say is life sucks, why are we even here, life went from being as close to perfect as you can get and in one sudden blow its gone, i am having serious problems getting my son to school, im just getting through the days doing what i need, why was mike taken from us, i just want everything to go back to the way it was, i loved him so much, i hate life!

Comment by Tildyc on August 30, 2015 at 2:08am

1.78 deaths per second
107 deaths per minute
6,390 deaths per hour
153,000 deaths per day
56.0 million deaths per year
3.9 billion deaths per average lifetime (70 years)

My Mark became part of these statistics nearly 7 mos ago. We all do at some point. For me- it cannot come fast enough. With all those folks dying every second of the day- why can't I? I would gladly trade my life to save some deserving soul. To help someone who has no desire to die and leave behind a life which they truly love. I would welcome death and go in their stead. But everyday I mercilessly wake to yet another useless and pointless existence. To blindly blunder through the never ending pain.


I cry every day, several times a day. On this I can depend. But then there are also those very special effed up days- like today. Today this all encompassing sadness has brought a relentless never ending river of tears. Every thought I have are memories of him. Bad memories, good memories- they all cause only pain. And then along with these torturous thoughts are my deep fear of the future without him in it. The upcoming birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. It makes me want to plz plz just go into a coma in a dark quiet room. And remain there at least until all the marker days have slithered off into that gaudy, loud, brightly-lit-invasion of manic aggressive joyousness. Returning to chasms of whence they where spawn.

I do realize that was very wordy and awfully bitter- but this is how I feel about what I once embraced with happiness and anticipation. And this is just the short term.... The fear of what this particular year holds for me.
The long term future- I'm completely paralyzed by the fear of how It will be. How alone and emotionally diminished I will become. I cannot bear to live a life that requires me to live day after wasteful day in such pain and hopelessness. Year after vacant year. Why can't I go see Mark now and skip all of these endless hours of unnecessary empty living. It seems so uncalled for and cruel. It is Thoroughly without cause- all this suffering. There is no benefit to any off this. None whatsoever. We should be allowed to follow our lost loved ones when they leave us. To be allowed the right to be free.

Comment by morgan on August 28, 2015 at 3:35pm

Hi John,

Came in to check on whether the spam has been addressed and see your note.  

 

This "journey" as we term it is brutal yes?  There is nothing else one can say that describes it adequately.  Even that word is hardly strong enough.  When you talk of how you are moving through the emotions of losing Diane and what that has done to your psyche it is all too familiar.  You know that I am at 2 and half years and counting and believe me, I can thoroughly appreciate your dismay and confusion as to how is it possible for you to feel worse again just when you thought it might be a tad bit better.  I can feel it because about ten days ago I hit the skids big time.  There was nothing in particular that I can pinpoint that caused it but I was swallowed by the grief.  Swallowed whole.  This is what seems to happen.  I couldn't believe it myself.  When you drop back and hit a whole new imagining of how alone you are and what you had and the meaninglessness of living now it can just plough you under.

 

I have no solutions as to how to make it better.  I've tried a million different ways thinking something I can do will change it.  Nope.  For whatever reason my mind in conjunction with my body just seems to have to wring it out of me.  When other posters talk about being tired and how can they continue I can only commiserate because all grief does is just keep beating on us. Not all the time but just enough to take us to that line in the sand and then it drops us at the line.  Good gawd, I have no idea how long I can take these ups and downs but tired is an understatement.  


Right now I am back up again a bit and though not fully engaged by any measure I am functioning enough to cut a lawn, or go food shopping or try to continue figuring out how I am going to make money again.  Without the support of a very good friend who calls me daily, sometimes several times a day I would be dead.  Seriously.  I would not have made it this far. My husband made him promise to watch over me and that he has done.  I am not sure if that is actually such a good thing but I am still considering the value of life and what it holds for me so for now I will listen to him.  

 

I guess I just wanted to drop in your mailbox and let you know I can empathize with your anguish and somehow you will push yourself, yes, force yourself to do the taxes, and wonder how you did it.  That time will be part of the relief you will feel. Not the pressure and incapacitation like you feel now.  But you will do it.  I really wonder what this torture is all about and why our spouses got to go first.  There is nothing I wouldn't do to end this suffering other than the fact that I don't have enough courage as of yet and I am not encouraged I will get it but I plan on leaving that option open.  I just can't say I might not at some point feel so bad at one time that I might do something untoward because in my reality today nothing is out of bounds.  I am constantly in flux engaging in hand to hand combat in my mind and as the time has passed I have gotten weaker in the struggle and less encouraged at the outcome but I still breathe and walk and do, so I am stuck.  Much like all the rest of us on here.  It surely is a dilemna. Our own personal existential crisis every four hours :(

 

Just wanted you to know your pain is being heard.  

morgan

Comment by Angela on August 28, 2015 at 8:31am

Yesterday marked 4 months. Ugh. My husband was cremated. I had to go pick him up from the funeral home and pay the bill. I really dreaded this. The director brought the beautiful wooden box I picked out and set it on the desk beside me. It was beautifully engraved with his name. I just stated at it. I ran my hand over top of the box, touched the engraving. Time passed, paid the bill, picked him up...he was quite heavy. It was hard to fathom this was my beloved husband now in this box in my hands. When I got into the car i broke down. It just doesn't seem right.

I somehow pulled myself together and drove home. I went to my neighbor's house and they both cried with me...and the box....very weird....

I went home, my son (age 21) was there. He just stared at me. I told him...this is your dad...he sat with me for a few minutes. I then took my husband upstairs, put him on his pillow and sat next to him. I talked to him, cried. After a while I put him on the dresser. At least it is him in some form. Obviously not the real thing...but it is my husband in that box.

It's just not fair. Not right that he is gone. It really sucks.

Comment by Tildyc on August 27, 2015 at 10:07pm

Morgan- "Time has become endless."

This is the very definition of my existence now. Along with the complete and consuming yearning to die. I just want to get out. To escape this back breaking mountain of pain I'm forced to carry along with me in every single thought, breath and action I take. It is un-ending and constant. Time is the enemy.

John- "I guess nothing will change that basic sense of profound loss and overwhelming aloneness."

Sadly- I've come to fully accept this concept. It is exactly how I feel every moment I'm awake.....from the moment I go to sleep to the moment I wake up . I've come to realize this is it for me. This is my life I do not want but, am forced to now live.


Rachel_michelle- "Oh how I am already dreading the 1 year mark ... can't even begin to think now about how to process that."

Every upcoming marker I m going to have to face ...His birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Years and then Feb 4. (The day my life lost all meaning.) It's overwhelming , unbearable and frightening just the thought of those torturous looming days.

"And I still just cannot believe this is my life."

I concur- for me it is beyond my comprehension. Unacceptable and unescapable. I will never be free.

Everyone-
It's a terrible/horrible way to have to exist. It's cruel.

I do have you folks- my kindred and broken souls who unfortunately- fully understand. This is the one and only place I can go. All of you are in my heart and my thoughts. And I sincerely hope someday- we may all find peace.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 27, 2015 at 7:34pm

Glad to see you John. You've crossed my mind in the last week or so wondering if you're still around the site. Very often in the last couple months I find something in your posts that hit and resonate with me.

Oh how I am already dreading the 1 year mark ... can't even begin to think now about how to process that. As John said, "How can I still be wondering how this could happen?" I don't think I'm still asking the "How do you do this when your world explodes and shatters in your face?" That was my "how" question. However, the last month or so my question has become, "Why did he (or you when I'm talking to Gary) have to go." I just asked that today sitting on campus feeling the nudge of tears. I wonder if I will still be asking that question in 6 1/2 months.  

Today on campus I felt probably the closest time anything in my outer world remotely matched something in my inner world of hell. It was raining, luckily no downpour or anything like that, but enough to where others were using umbrellas as I would of preferred as well. I had no thought to pack it this morning. So like my grief hell, I was unprepared for something I didn't see coming, had to walk around campus with my hoodie up to still get a little wet and just "suffer" through it, and with every raindrop I felt hit me felt exactly like the tears that fall endlessly and continually in my broken heart.

And I still just cannot believe this is my life. 

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