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Comment by rachel_micele on September 26, 2015 at 1:57pm

I thank you Morgan for being here and opening yourself to all of us. Speaking for me, even though I may not comment on posts you make they are all being read and my heart continues to go out to you.

One thing you said rang loud and clear, "It all looks the same and nothing is the same.". So true. Our lives are the ultimate, most twisted oxymoron.

I'm glad to hear Patty the therapist suggested to back off from the few people who can't understand what you're going through. I feel you already know my stance in that I would agree.

"Am I part of a group I never wanted to be in. The group no one wants to be in but is forced to join." It's unbelievable, isn't it. There are times I feel forever cursed. This is my life and for the rest of my life. I will never wake up from it. Sometimes with people a story that didn't have a happy ending can be fixed, repaired. At least have a chance for it. But this, no. There is no "to be continued". As for a physical existence together ever again, at least in this lifetime, it's "the end". So damn sad and depressing.

Comment by morgan on September 25, 2015 at 1:13am

Kindred~~ what a soft word, kind word and yet here we are in the depths of hell.  We have stepped into this parallel universe where spouses who mourn are brought together as kindred spirits.  Kind of haunting isn't it?  I mean, who would have ever thought that today, in our lives, we would be experiencing the fallout from what death has laid at our feet.  

I look at the world in general. I look at people whose homes were bombed and they are on the run looking to live life anywhere else.  I look at people whose homes have been incinerated by fire where they ran for their lives before the flames licked them too and they will try to rebuild a life.  So many distressing circumstances where people want to rebuild their lives and yet here we are aching to leave as life has come to mean nothing.  

How is it that the universe I live in today was one where I used to want to challenge myself and experience all it had to offer and I strived to accomplish things and struggled in a way that allowed me to wake up in the morning  glad to be here. Now my new parallel universe looks the same as the old one except I want nothing from it.  It is filled with people who have experienced a life event that has now made me a kindred spirit with them in such a different way, a way in which I wish I never had to meet you and yet we find each other and use this thin thread as our best lifeline and the one in which we know we are understood.  We are living our life as though nothing has changed and everything has changed.  It all looks the same and nothing is the same.  

None of us really know what to do.  It isn't always quite as rough as that first year and half.  It does change in the absolute desperate quality where nothing at all makes sense (and I mean nothing).  It changes to where you finally realize that the trees and the roads and cars and birds and stuff is all around us just like it was before our spouse died.  You realize that it is real not surreal.  What doesn't seem to change is the willingness to accept that this is what it is. Some of us never accept that this is what we are going to be dealing with for the rest of our days on earth.  We fight it.  In the real world.  We refuse to do what it takes to manage life to live.  We just exist and wait to die ourselves.  

It will and does get less intense.  It just never really goes away. And so as kindred spirits we need each other to know this grief is a normal reaction to an unreasonable end to the best life had to offer.  Some find a way to manage it. Some don't.  

Take care everyone.  My own journey is obviously needing some extra writing at the moment and I want Anne, Tildyc, George, John, Trina, Rachel, Andrea, Patti, Sammie and all others who have been here before us and will be here with us in the present to know how much I appreciate that they come here to unload to help me understand that I do not walk through this forest alone. It is dark lonely and I am lost but I see you through it all.  Thank you for being here.  I'm sure my husband is glad I have you to write to too.

Comment by Tildyc on September 24, 2015 at 9:59pm

Hi- my kindred broken souls. I've been so fricken low- somehow- everyday I am still alive. I can barely function anymore. I am in hell. Everything is so pointless and useless. Every action, everything I HAVE to fucking do anymore.... I have lost my will to live. But everyday I still wake up. I still keep fucking breathing. JEEZSUS. I truly do not know what to do. At a total loss.

Comment by morgan on September 24, 2015 at 4:11pm

Sorry I know I sound despondent. It sounds like that because I am.  I cant seem to bring an end to something I don't want anymore.  I just don't want to be here.  I want to be enveloped in his arms again and I know that is not going to happen and so I am tired of keeping up the pretense that I can somehow mange to do otherwise.  I don't need help anymore which is something I pleaded for with the universe. I just want to be released from this earthly, bodily, emotional train wreck.  I am pinned under the weight of 35 years of passion and the exchange of mental exercise that developed me into the kind of person I could like.  No matter the mediation and the mind gymnastics I try to do now to reduce that 35 years into a small stone that would not pin me to the ground I cannot do it.  I just cant.  WHY?  

Just reread the other post I made without spell checking and sorry it is somewhat hard to read.  I tend to type s's onto the front ends of the word following…..sometimes I just have to push it out to the universe unreadable or not…...

Comment by morgan on September 24, 2015 at 3:52pm

This new universe I woke up in the day of my husbands death is not a place I ever thought my mind would have to wrestle with. Now everyday it is just another match with who wins.  My brain or my heart.  The passing of time allows more space for my brain to win more minute soy my day but not without the shadow of my heart constantly pleading for my own end.  My body then pleads with both of them to stop me from crying because it has damaged my throat and chest to the extent that I believe I have given myself cancer.  

Why do I think this?  There is a rather hard lump in the right side of my throat.  It is slowly getting a little more difficult to swallow.  I am fatigued alot although I know part of that is just the stress.  I can sleep 18 hours out of 24 at times. My skin has become very scaly and  is flaccid.  I can't be sure and I am not going to a doctor to find out.  I will be content to watch my own symptoms because I don't want anyone making me "better".  

I am sure in my brain that this is not normal.  It is definitely not the Miss yoga, eat right, stay healthy person I was before.  Now I simply don't care.  I have found myself having to be resigned to the situation I am now facing but I'll be damned if anyone including myself is going to convince me that living without my beloved is a choice I can make and somehow like it.  Sorry, just ain't going to happen.  

As I have moved through the endless months of missing his essence and trying valiantly to somehow overcome the feeling that comes upon me when I am pierced by a memory or thought I am not interested in finding a way up, out or beyond.  I am just biding my time now.  I push through a day by staying distracted by mindless movement that used to be challenging, intriguing and satisfying.  Now it is simply drudgery and the hate I harbor for having to put on a brave face towards others while all I want to do is scream out loud how much this hurts is growing even more.  I can go out in public more than I did but when I do if something hits me I don't like, look out.  I am fed up with having to play nice which is a good enough reason not to expose myself to stuff that might send me reeling.  Problem is I still have to engage in some things outside my safe space so I limit it the best I can while still going through the motions of breathing.

Thankfully there is this website and you guys.  It's wierd, I really know none of you and yet I know each of you very well.  I dint really want to now any of you and yet I hand onto your friendship now as though it is the last drop of water on earth.  

I think for those of us who have been badly damaged by death slamming us down into a hole we have found some sort of strange enlightenment about the value of human engagement. We had found our one true, needed and necessary connection to our own selves. The someone who completed that which we searched for in ourselves but couldn't flip the switch until we sara ourselves sin love through  their eyes.  I cant tell you how much I miss that reflection.  

I'm going to cry now ok?

Comment by rachel_micele on September 24, 2015 at 1:02pm

As John said, "I would like to be able to interact with people again but it's the most difficult part of my life now.  I just want to hide from the world even though it's lonely.  Being around others doesn't relieve the feeling of being alone." This stuck in my head last night, as many things do of what you say John. I feel like I don't even know how to interact with people anymore. Especially strangers and just the general public. Not that I'm the social butterfly where interacting with people comes natural to me. I've always been introverted and become extremely so as I've gotten older. But I feel like I'm back in grade school, junior high, somewhere back there. So on top of too much stimulation as I'm so sensory sensitive and no connection, it feels anything from awkward, uncertain, insecure or clumsy. 

And for me, I don't think interacting with people has ever felt clumsy. So that's a completely new thing and the other word I would throw in with that one is confusing and disorientating.

Comment by Sammie on September 24, 2015 at 9:37am

I check in every day read your comments and realize I'm pretty new in this you guys deal for a long time with this pain doesn't get easier and I see its normal its normal to feel what I feel if you can call this normal. So when people ask me how am I ?I say ok because I don't really wanna give more explanation just let me be with my pain I like to be home where I can cry hate to be outside I have to go to work . I feel guilty that I'm here and he is not feel guilty to eat watch tv I feel guilty that my family is suffering so when they call I learned I just have to say I'm ok .so thanks everyone for sharing your feelings and realize its normal to feel like this to hate your life after the love of your life it's gone..

Comment by rachel_micele on September 23, 2015 at 10:16pm

Patti - being told you are complicated because you turned down an offer to get out of the house for a few hours ... wow. I am so sorry. I think I would feel so insulted and at such a loss for how misunderstood I was and how insensitive and unbelievably stupid someone else could be. I know before this I wouldn't of known what to say to someone in grief and so I just wouldn't of said anything and because of that I give people slack on a lot of things. But to say something like that is beyond any understanding. To reach out and then not even try to understand and just insult ...

Isolation has also become huge for me and so it's helpful to read how others are also dealing with the same. Being in college the last month I've been forced a little into group settings where I have to talk and participate. In one class I am skipping some of the sessions, losing participation points, and so will be taking a lowered grade. I really don't give a shit. It's a freshman level class and only taking it because it's required for the major. But I can't sit there and listen to 20 year olds talk about their life with the worst thing being how they have an exam to study for or so much homework to do. Boo fucking hoo. Yes I'm bitter. Yes I'm still mad this is my life. But it's definitely not worth my time to sit there for the hour to only put myself in an even deeper hole for the next 6, if I'm lucky.

Anyway, I don't know how long it will take for life to even be "okay". The way it feels, that would be a miracle. As Patti said, it doesn't get better, it gets different. My counselors tell me that. I read that in books. You never get "over it". It will forever be there, a part of the story, and you just learn how to live with it. How depressing.    

I started reading a book called, "The ten things to do when your life falls apart" to see what I can find. The chapter on Integrating your Loss I can logically understand potential. But that requires accepting what has happened. That's not the answer I want, that's not good enough. I haven't been able to bring myself to that point. That doesn't answer my question of how do you do this or why did he have to go to my satisfaction. But really, the only answer, still, that would be to my satisfaction is that I wasn't having to deal with this in the first place. I wouldn't of lost the one person who meant everything to me.

Comment by bluebird on September 23, 2015 at 10:09pm

Anne, I'm sorry what you tried didn't work for you, but I can't say i'm surprised. 

Since my husband's death, I have never once acted as though i'm ok. I see no reason for it -- I am not ok, and I never will be ok, so why the hell should I pretend that I am? I have asked my family not to ask me how I am, because I know they will never like the answer, and I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about it. 

There have been a few moments that were slightly less horrific, after the first year had passed (like when I'm watching a funny movie with my sister), but even then it's only a passing moment, and while I might laugh at something funny in the movie, I am never happy or at peace. 

It has been three years since my husband died, and I have not had one real moment's peace of mind in all that time, and I never will for as long as I am stuck in this fucking hellhole of a life.  I have a wonderful family (Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law), so in that way I suppose I am lucky, but let me tell you, while I love them dearly and they love me dearly, at the same time they are a weight which anchors me to this life that I don't want.

Anyway, I know what you mean about looking in the mirror and seeing your sad eyes. It's that way for me as well.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 23, 2015 at 2:24pm

I agree Patti on being real with your feelings. I've never dealt with any degree of true grief before in my life. So when I lost Gary, it obliterated every cell of me to the core. Don't even know the words to explain the depth of the emotional and psychological devastation. So even if I wanted to be fake, to put on the happy face, it was beyond impossible. 

I grew up in a family who didn't talk about feelings and things just got brushed under the rug so for the last 15 years I've worked hard to connect with my feelings, understand them, and allow them to be. Of course absolutely nothing could have prepared me for this nightmare.

Within a month I was having to process suicide with my counselors. For me, no, this was not a silly or stupid concept, it was fucking real. That is how much Gary was a part of me. How much I died with him. But in looking at my options, as much as I didn't want a part of any of them, to not deal with my feelings and find myself a handful of years down the road in the same boat was just adding even more misery and truly no life at all. And for me, what was the point of that.

To be fake with feelings is burying them alive. And you said how indeed the feelings came back. So it's not a matter of "if", it's a matter of when. It's definitely hell to feel in these kinds of losses. I have my lifelines that keep me from falling off the edge of my jagged cliff which would plummet me to a death. If it wasn't for my cat, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. But since she is here and the part of my world I have left, to allow myself to feel has been a must and at times I can say it feels better than to not. That is the only thing I can trust in this nightmare. And, I guess, hopefully that will be my ticket to the way out of it.

So yes, I agree. Feel, be sensitive with yourself, know your mental, physical, and emotional limits, allow them to be, nurture yourself, find those you can talk to/with, do things when you feel ready and screw what anyone else thinks. This is all about you. Your life depends on it.

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