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Comment by morgan on May 15, 2019 at 6:48pm

Bluebird,

You were the original poster who made it real for me that telling the truth about our pain was ok.  That it was how this grief was going to be no mater how I might be told otherwise.  And to know that your truth is that pretty much everything is still insurmountable makes me somehow feel a sense of relief.  I have been struggling with this one something and I don't know if I am going to be able to solve it but at least I have tried.  Just like everything........I have tried.  I am worn out though.  I truly want this whole thing to end.  

Comment by morgan on May 15, 2019 at 6:42pm

Linda, yes, I too have the recurring thoughts my brain sends me that my husband is dead.  It's not possible for me to accept it either.  I know it as fact just as I know the sun shines, but when it appears in my brain I simply cannot believe he is gone.  Forever.  I will never see him here ever again.  I am unable to live with that thought.  It is destroying me.  I also find that if I have to deal with something that I used to see as a challenge and I did them because my husband didnt want to I was nowhere near overwhelmed by the task.  Now, it's everything I can do to get through some of the things I have to do.  AND it's gotten better believe it or not.  Used to be ANYTHING I had to do to deal with life I would cry.  On the phone, in a store, with people in a conversation.  Just impossible.  So of course I too turned inward and isolated.  Just made it easier for me to avoid more pain.

And Linda, am I right........is today the marker day of Julians' passing? If so, have a beer for me.  Nothing makes this simpler.   And thanks for continuing to write here as it helps me to now I am not crazy for still feeling so lost and broken.

Comment by Monty on May 15, 2019 at 6:37pm

Hi all

I've not posted here for some time due to real life just being busy.

I hope everyone is as well as they can be.

Joe, going out and being with people when you're in pain is very hard.  people like to try and fix you or shun you.  they don't realise that grief is a part of life and always will be, and it's hard not to growl/snap at them when they do something that makes the pain worse.

  I came to the conclusion that they don't have my point of view( thank goodness for them) and it's not fair for me to try and force it on them.  that being said when they ask me how I am..  I rarely say "good thanks", more often than not I say  "not bad you ?"

  I've joined several Facebook groups related to grief and loss.  some focused on getting better, some focused on supporting each other and some I've left due to trolls and horrible persons being toxic.

I've come to a conclusion.

a. everyone is dealing with their own stuff.

b. I possibly haven't got it as bad as lots of others.

c. I really need to be the best I can for my kids, something I have always have strived for.

My uncle recently lost his wife.  I didn't go to the funeral due to the distance involved ( 6 hour drive each way) and I didn't have someone to look after the kids.  BUT I have been in contact via messenger and trying to make sure he knows that people are there and I found people reaching out to me every now and then helped lessen the isolation I experienced.

I've watched a couple of ted talks on grief and have taken a couple of different view/perspectives from some of the stuff I've seen.

I still say hello and good buy to Carol when I leave the house (she is buried in a memorial URN in the front yard near the front steps) (an idea that I got from a tv show "New TRICKS" where a detective lost his wife and went and talked to her in the back yard with a whisky when he had a bad day) and some times after a really shit day I go a whinge to her about the BS that I have to put up with (i think the neighbours think I'm losing it and that's fine with me).

I still have her handbag in the bed under the covers and often rest my had on her handbag as I go to sleep

that being said.  

I dont listen to songs that remind me of the things we did

I don't listen to songs about loss

I still have bad days where I'm upset.

I try not to complain about it

and I try to do positive things with my life for me and the boys.

in all, I think that I am processing and improving my children's and my own life.

I pray that everyone has the best day they can

regards Monty

Comment by Joe Kelly on May 15, 2019 at 5:19pm

As much as we all suffer, some may have an additional burden of having to go out into the real world and deal with people in business to survive.  The impact of that makes it all that much more unbearable.  While I'm not in that situation, those alone with in grief is one thing, but being alone needing support emotionally, and financially must be totally overwhelming not having their Love with them for help and advice.   

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 15, 2019 at 3:40pm

Nobody really understands except for the members on this website. It was a life saver for me. Thanks to all of you who share your posts and the support we give each other.

Comment by Joe Kelly on May 15, 2019 at 3:07pm

Morgan, yes.  Linda, yes.  Marita, yes.  Bulebird, Yes.  I'm becoming paralyzed to the point of petrification.  NOTHING MATTERS except what we all know what it is.  We can't go back and we can't accept that, we can't live like this but we're trapped waiting, because we have to go the way they went, or take a chance of not ending up in their realm of existence.  Catch 22 again.  Everything I think of doing, I say what for?  What does it matter?  My whole day after day after day is sitting here looking at her pictures and talking to her.  The only time I go out is to the cemetery every day.  That's my life now.  Everyone is friendly and waves but must think I'm totally bonkers.  To top it off, anything I do try to do turns to crap anyway.  I'm dead without her.  I do worry for my oldest daughter and support her with finances but I'm powerless to make her cancer go away.  The only thing for me to solve is to go where she went; the way she went.  That's the only thing I need to solve.  Nothing else matters.

Comment by bluebird on May 15, 2019 at 1:01pm

Same here, Marita. Things I would have been able to deal with before (either before I met my husband, or while he was here with me), I cannot handle at all now. Any tiny problem is insurmountable. Everything is.

Morgan, I am truly sorry you are having to deal with this additional difficult situation. I hope you are able to resolve it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Comment by Marita on May 15, 2019 at 11:35am

Morgan,

i live with constant fear and anxiety. Every time I am confronted with a new problem I break down because my husband is not here to support me, to comfort me, to love me and it is a reminder of my loss.  When things become so overwhelming I just shut down and turn inward. People just don't understand that it isn't self pity, it's "wanting things back the way they were" as Linda says.

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 15, 2019 at 6:07am

Morgan,

My whole problem with myself is I just can't accept my Husband's death and there is a not a thing I can do about it. I want things back the way things were. So to avoid all my breakdowns I try to numb myself with beer. I don't get drunk but I do have 3 a day just to keep me numb and it is the only way I can go on without him. I told my therapist all the different meds I try just don't work, so I have to deal with in my own way.

Comment by morgan on May 14, 2019 at 10:28pm

Terrible,horrible, crippling breakdown tonight.  I know what triggered it and it is something I have struggled with all these years and the closer I get to trying to solve it the worse the breakdowns are becoming. Problem is I am still unable to cross the threshold and just get it done.  It seems my brain just wont let me. They seem to be getting worse.  

Does anyone else have these crippling kind of breakdowns when they come up against something they simply cant seem to solve?  

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