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Comment by rachel_micele on September 30, 2015 at 10:13pm

So sorry Tildyc you are struggling to get your time to be alone. Hugs. Cannot imagine putting on the "mask" the way it seems you do. I think that's the only reason I haven't had a mental breakdown. My number one priority that I've been able to fill in almost everywhere is being alone and choosing every person I am around.

Per Patti, "I'm so done but what does that mean. How can you be done when you wake up to yet another day of this." I know what you mean. I'm not okay. Like is not okay. And I just don't know when it will be. Or how to make it so. That would mean accepting this and how do you when it feels like you're in a cursed hell?

My depression from Sunday is lingering. I've read this is typical, my counselor told me today it is. I've never felt such lifeless depression in my life. The hole is so deep, virtually bottomless.

Comment by Tildyc on September 30, 2015 at 12:53am

I'm sooo freakin tired of this facade I have to put up. It takes all my energy. 6 freakin days a week I have to face joe public and keep the mask plastered on. This is because I know they would not only not understand but- also want to commit me. And when I finally get on my own time.... It seems that someone always wants to intrude on my solitary life. I DO NOT want company or the "well meaning" folk to try and "help" me nor do I need their placates ( thanks Trina)- to make me more approachable and manageable for the un-effected ones.

I still have the hand written sign I put up the week my baby left me behind on my front door. DO NOT DISTURB. My state of mind has not changed. I want only to be left alone with my tears and greif. I actually have instant anxiety when someone knocks on my door or calls me outside of work hrs. 99% of the time I keep quiet and hide. I cannot answer due to my crying or my absolute need to be left the hell alone. I'm so completely and totally the opposite of who I once was. Everything has changed and I sincerely just want this consistent and never ending darkness to end. It is always present. IT TRULY IS who I am now. Which is taxing ... and a burden I eventually will submit to. I AM NOT THE PERSON I was before... As a young person I had to overcome adversity and- I learned to overcome and actually thrive. It's sad that this overwhelming and unrecoverable loss is most certainly the end of me. All my past and everyday accomplishments are hollow and un- important now. Now.. They are meaningless. As is my pathetic existence. Meaningless. I only want to be released- set free from this life sentence I did nothing to deserve.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 28, 2015 at 9:33pm

I struggle too, Tildyc, with the concept of meaningless. What's the point of working for anything in life if it can all vanish with no warning, no notice, one full swoop and everything is gone. It's now like a massive existence of just killing time. I don't want that to be the rest of my life because even that, what's the point. So back and forth I go. No point in trying and no point in not. What the hell you do with that ... ??

Hello George. Glad you're still here. "some days I just sit in my chair stare at the TV and its not even on". That says so much right there. My heart goes to you. Sometimes watching tv I'll mute it and watch. That feels like my world, the lights are on but no one is home. At times I've had the urge to just sit in the dark, in the silence. I remember my grandpa and his brother being in the nursing home. We were there visiting and they brought them out in their wheelchairs. They just sat there lifeless, staring off at nothing. It was so sad. How they looked is how I feel. 

Thank you Patti. I may have to find something to plan on Sundays. That degree of depression was so awful I don't even know the words. I'm still reeling from it today. But I must say how proud I am of you for being "selfish"! Good for you! I'm grateful things I've said are helping you. 

I don't know if I'll ever recover from this blow in the likes of little Soda Pop. But for whatever it's worth, here's the link. http://www.greenbag.upvines.tv/what-happened-when-she-put-the-baby-...

Comment by bluebird on September 28, 2015 at 9:18pm

morgan,

I completely agree with this: "There is nothing that will penetrate into the inner core of who my husband made me into.  Now that person my husband helped me build is detached, insecure, anxious, fearful, incapable, unfocused, forgetful, disoriented, in general, dying not living.  The total opposite of who I was and the struggle with that has distanced me from what I know my husband would want for me but he cannot know how absolutely impossible it is for me to live without him.  If he could I know I know he would take me in his arms and tell me it was alright.  That he understands why I am the way I am.  He always understood me."

Comment by Robin on September 28, 2015 at 9:11pm

Hi Morgan I wish I had answers for you.  I know you feel so lost because the one person that would be there for you in the worst times isn't.  I feel that way as well.  It does sound like you have a friend you can lean on.  That helps.  But no one can understand what you're going through, they may want to understand, but unless they're in it, they don't. 

Comment by morgan on September 28, 2015 at 8:52pm

Endless.  My brain is just beating me to a pulp.  

I try to figure out why a certain something will trigger me into a supremely nuclear meltdown and every time it is something different.  Yesterday I had to move a lot of furniture by myself so today I thought maybe that contributed to a horrible horrible day.  Wearing myself out physically.  I also didn't get good nights sleep.  Then I was listening to a song this morning and down I went. I ended up on my knees on my stone floor and then I remembered how my husband fell off the toilet onto the stone floor in the bathroom where I found him and everything in my head and body went south.  I begged, pleaded, tried to apologize to him.  It wasn't my fault but I just cannot live without  him much longer.  I keep saying I get longer periods of clarity and ability to function in the outside world but inside I am totally compromised.  I cannot find a way out.

I have a really good friend who my husband chose for me to watch over me and he tries so hard to keep me up.  Keep me going.  There isn't a thing I have been able to throw at him that he hasn't found a way to counsel me.  He vowed to my husband that he would help me.  And I attribute my existence up until now to his ability to understand my torment and try to support me.  He knew my husband well.  But even he cannot break through the veil that has been thrown over me.  There is nothing that will penetrate into the inner core of who my husband made me into.  Now that person my husband helped me build is detached, insecure, anxious, fearful, incapable, unfocused, forgetful, disoriented, in general, dying not living.  The total opposite of who I was and the struggle with that has distanced me from what I know my husband would want for me but he cannot know how absolutely impossible it is for me to live without him.  If he could I know I know he would take me in his arms and tell me it was alright.  That he understands why I am the way I am.  He always understood me.

Instead, all I can wish for is that the universe has me on its short list.  I really don't want to have to take the road less travelled but I feel like I am running out of options.  His absence has become all too real for me now and I am finding it increasingly difficult to not have his arms around me to tell me everything will be alright.  He’s gone and I don’t know where.  He’s never not been there for me.  What am I supposed to do?

Comment by Robin on September 28, 2015 at 8:42pm

Hello all, I'm feeling so much pain coming from Tildyc & Morgan that I can relate to on so many levels. I don' think I know how long it's been for each of you since your life as you knew it ended, and you lost your reason for living, but I'm sensing you're at the beginning of this fucked up journey.  Everything you're saying and feeling is how I've felt and still do feel.  But I don't want to keep saying the same thing, but I want you to have some hope, and it took me a long, long time, but you do pass into another phase where the pain is not all consuming, all the time.  I went back and read this  journal I wrote in from time to time, usually after 5 glasses of wine, and my first entry was on the 1st anniversary of my husband passing away.  All I wanted to do was die, it was hard to read it, because I know exactly how I felt, and I feel that from you guys.  The fact that you can post on this site, I couldn't even do that, I wasn't capable of anything but going to work.  Everything was so hard to do.  I didn't want to talk to anyone most of the time.  I could just do the basic things to keep living.  I barely ate, sleeping was a hit or miss thing.  I still don't sleep well, I wake up every 2 hours, and that's become my normal sleep  pattern.  But I know I don't feel as helpless & vulnerable as I did 5 years ago. I miss John every minute, and am so lonely for him,  but some days I feel a little like my old self.  I wish I could snap my fingers and you guys could get some relief from your pain.  It's just a slow unbearable process.  Oh by the way a little self medicating helps as well.  And my little dog.  He has given me a reason to get up in the morning. 

Comment by Tildyc on September 28, 2015 at 3:27pm

And looks like my word for the day is apparently - "meaningless". I over use it often. But to me, it sums it all up. Ever since November 4, 2015.

Meaningless.

Comment by Tildyc on September 28, 2015 at 3:22pm

Hi George. I literally was just thinking about you. I came here to check on you actually. And there you where.

The tv... Ya- Mark and I used to have what we called "date night" a couple times a week with pizza, popcorn and beer. We always loved to watch our shows together. And also our little ritual of coffee and the NW news in the morning on days off.

Now most of the time the tv can be off or on anymore- it is just as meaningless either way. It's main use has become only mindless destraction and back ground noise.

You see- Without him, almost everything is without meaning. There is no longer joy and anticipation of any upcoming events or otherwise. In fact now..... "My entire life has become only mindless destraction and back ground noise." But unlike the tv- I cannot turn off all these painful images or my greif and tears.

Nothing can take away this emptiness. I can only hopefully re-direct my confused and foggy brain for a small moments at time. Because every day alone without him- you see... Is yet another meaningless day and feels like a colossal waste of a life. And I would gladly forfeit my life to someone who still actually wanted to live. Someone who still is able to love, laugh and feel joy. Someone who could walk through this life with hope and meaning.

That way- what's left of this life would not have to be wasted and could be lived to the fullest. And I would be free of this burden and at peace.

Win/Win in my opinion.

Comment by George H on September 28, 2015 at 10:47am

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here I read your posts and I think about you I'm just having a really hard time coping with Mary passing some days I just sit in my chair stare at the TV and its not even on and I just can't beat back this loneliness everyone please take care of yourself

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