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Comment by Copper "Charlie" on October 5, 2015 at 7:10pm

God, energy, nothingness...  The simple truth, as all of us have said, is we hurt.  We are empty.  We are alone.  We want them back.  We want to understand WHY!!  More than that, though, we want to be with them again.  I love my husband more than anything!!!  He was my soul mate and living as half of a whole is, as you all know, no way to have to live.  But we are all living it.  No matter how unfair, how painful, how agonizing and lonely, how debilitating or how angering it makes us...put simply, we are here.  We are.  I don't know about anyone else, but that's how I feel...I just exist.  There is nothing.  Nothing but my memories of how he smiled, his last words to me, the way I knew he wasn't even going to make it to the hospital, his fear, him yelling for help...  Me screaming every night for the next week almost all night.  I still do when my daughters are not home.  First my aunt who was so like a mother, then my mother, now my husband...  Who next?  Why?  What did I do?  What didn't I do?  How do I see them again?  Can I see them again?  What is left to make me get up every single day?  Someday we will know.  I just wish someday was right now. 

And, Alice...

It's not a Jekyl/Hyde thing...  It's relief that you've found someone who can understand your pain because they feel it, too.  No worries on that.  You're not gaining anything by someone else's pain, except knowing you aren't alone.  And, sometimes, knowing you aren't the only one who feels what you do, helps more than you would ever think. 

Please forgive me, but I simply have no energy or even desire to continue.

Hugz to all of you...us.

Comment by Sammie on October 5, 2015 at 5:08pm

Wish we had that

Comment by Sammie on October 5, 2015 at 4:22pm

I see couples celebrating 50 years

Comment by Sammie on October 5, 2015 at 4:20pm

Alice it's good that you still believe I wish I do but for me unfortunately it stopped july8 I can not pray anymore . Maybe one day we find out maybe not who knows but I always ask what we did wrong ? Why we didn't deserve more years of happiness? Did we do something wrong to upset him? Didn't have to much we just have each other l. See cou

Comment by bluebird on October 5, 2015 at 8:19am

Alice,

I am sorry that you are in this horrible position, as are the rest of us here. I can respect your beliefs, as you are not trying to force them on anyone else.  I even used to somewhat share your beliefs (not so much the "lessons" part, but the idea of us being connected to god).

If you believe that there is a god who has allowed your husband to die in order to teach you something, and if that helps you in your grief, then that's fine.  But for me, quite honestly if there is a god I don't give a damn what it wants me to learn, not now that it has allowed my husband to die.  If there is a god, and if it wanted me to do anything at all with my life or learn anything, then it fucked up completely by killing my husband or allowing him to die, because now the rest of my life since the moment that he died is forfeit, is meaningless. I will never do anything with it. I am severely depressed, and so couldn't do anything even if I wanted to, but that fact is that I don't want to. If there is a god, it needs to learn that it made a huge mistake in allowing my husband to die.

If there is actually a god, and if that god makes us live through such horrific things as the deaths of our spouses much too early (my husband died at age 40, one week to the day after our wedding), without even making it so that we all know, without any doubt, that our loved ones continue to exist, as themselves, in an afterlife where we will join them, then that is not a being I can even respect, much less love or worship. I expect better, more compassionate behavior than that from humans, much less from a supposed "creator".

I don't say any of this in an attempt to change your beliefs or lessen your faith, and I do worry that my words may upset you, which is not my intent.  I just cannot stand how much sadness and anger are in me, how they have become the only things I feel anymore, how much I just want this life I'm stuck with to be OVER, even if there is nothing afterwards.

Comment by morgan on October 5, 2015 at 1:27am

 

(Part2)I don't think I will see the code cracked in my lifetime but they inch ever closer to explaining the processes of how our reality is revealed to us.  It might just all be an illusion that we project through the brain into a visual space.  We have discovered so much about the human species since we appeared in this form on this planet.  

I wish that I knew more as it would give me less pain as to the whereabouts and possible reunification with the man who loved me and I loved in the space-time continuim, the only four dimensions we can conceive of. But what I have "learned" is that it’s very possible there are eleven dimensions in total and we are inextricably linked to an energy, and yet we still communicate to that energy even though a veil has been thrown over us.  That energy manifested itself in a physical form on earth but has not dissipated thus it has been and hopefully will be at some point in the near future attainable again.  My energy is not religious or a god,  it is a simple representation of scientific fact.

The pain I have endured is lessening in the fourth dimension (time) since the other three dimensions denied me the energy of love through the death of his vibration but there are unquestionably other dimensions from which are emanating the love, the qualia that was part of me.  It’s strong, it's there, I just can't attach to it except through pain.  Hopefully that wont last too long as I would like to feel that love again soon, as my husband truly was my other half.  He has lost the frequency that matched mine in these four dimensions but he is still vibrating and connecting to me daily.  Each day I am one step closer.  Hopefully soon I will be matching his vibration once again.

morgan

Comment by morgan on October 5, 2015 at 1:26am

Alice, (part1)

If you think there is an entity of some religious standing that is heaping lessons on you for you to learn and that gets you through your pain then so be it.

For me, I learned a long time ago we are definitely part of a larger space but it has nothing at all to do with some religious entity doling out lessons or favors or pain.  It is surely much bigger than we can wrap our heads around for sure, since we know the observable universe is at least 13.8 Billion years old.  But there are some absolute laws of physics (nature) that might bring you to a more open and wider understanding of what all this could possibly mean in a similarly deep way but discounts a figurehead.  In a metaphysical way there is what is called the hard problem of consciousness wherein what you attribute to a figurehead is simply a field of vibrating energy that literally combines into the matter we see and feel as our reality. Nothing religious being distributed according to some kind of divine decree but definitely a much energized cosmic ocean of possibilities all of which exist as potential eventualities.

 

A multidisciplinary approach in the sciences is theorizing some of what 100 years ago would have been unthinkable and yet is being proven in recurrent testing as facts.  The discovery of the Higgs boson proving there is a field of energy that by its very action gives particles mass.  Which as a result gives rise to matter, through the very atoms of which we are made.  The hypothesis is that the very essence of life (matter which is made up of atoms) could very possibly originate in the frequency of a vibrating strand of energy contained in this ocean (field) and through a process not yet fully understood bridge the gap between the world of the large (classical physics, the people, trees etc we see) and the world of the very very small (quantum physics or the subatomic world). Therein lies the magic. There are applications of the two worlds that we use every day. The computer you type on would never have been possible without the contributions of geniuses like Einstein and the technology of today is moving ever closer to defining what it is that moves us to be who we are and the mysterium of how we think.  

Comment by bluebird on October 4, 2015 at 5:38pm

So I don't believe there is a god, and if there is one then it either doesn't give a damn about humanity and does not help us, or it can't help us. Either way, that's hardly a "god", as far as i'm concerned.

Comment by bluebird on October 4, 2015 at 5:37pm

Tildy,

I also used to believe there was a god, though I always felt that god was good and loving. Then I became agnostic, but still felt/hoped that if there were a god, it would be good and loving.

But now, I cannot believe in a loving god. No loving god would have killed my husband or allowed him to die when he did, also destroying my life in the process.  At the very least, if there were a god it should make sure that all of us know for sure, beyond any doubt, that our dead loved ones are happy and safe in an afterlife where we will be with them again. But it doesn't even do that.

Comment by Tildyc on October 4, 2015 at 5:19pm

Sammie- I use to think there was a god. Now- I no longer feel the same. I've always questioned religion since a child. I found it always made me feel extremely guilty at all times. And that I was bad and I was most definitely going to hell. And as grew older I found it contradicting and very confusing. As far an almighty and loving being, well, I feel if there were one, this deity has forgotten about me or couldn't be any more unconcerned for my well being. Complete and utter indifference for all the pain here on our site and elsewhere in our world that is suffered by others. Millions of prayers fall on deaf ears or what I've now come to conclude- complete emptiness.

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