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Comment by rachel_micele on October 10, 2015 at 6:51pm

I'm glad Morgan my slight rambling was helpful as I felt I got on a bit of a tangent.

I know I have cried more in the last 7 months (today is the 7 month mark) for this one loss than I have cried over anything and everything in my entire life. 

"Bottom line is I lost the only friend I ever had. It's really that simple." I know you and your husband knew each other since a very young age. Even though mine and Gary's time was shorter, I've always felt like I didn't fit in or belong with any group of friends. To this day friends come and go like a trend. And when it came to romantic loves, I've never had trouble with guys being interested and having boyfriends but none of them were or ended up being long term material. Gary was the first to be the "king daddy" of them all. To see a future with him and a fantastic one at that, even with the fighting, was so easy. We just fit, both the perfect companion and compliment. I've never met someone like him. Never met someone who I felt clicked with me so well. 

And now he's fucking gone. Maybe things aren't as much of the mirage and I've come down slightly from the distant planet. But it's all still a disorientating daze. And when I look at his picture going mentally into times we were together like he's still physically here, it's still a nightmare.

Comment by morgan on October 9, 2015 at 11:58am

I've been trying to remember the name of that country singer for while now Rachel.  Thanks.  It was wihtin weeks after my husband died that she committed suicide. I remember at the time thinking I wish I knew how to operate a gun.  My husband was a hunter and fisherman but I never learned how to handle a gun.  I am not sure I could have done it then as I am not one for violent undertakings but I did begin a search in earnest for other more efficient means.  Came down to assembling the right medications most of which I had gotten together within 8 months but one of them I was afraid was too old and so I was afraid it wouldn't do the job.  I am now still trying to replace them.  

I have no idea if one time I would be ready to take anything for the reasons all of us have discussed.  All I know is that to this day (as of this morning) I am still crying and the hollow place it comes from is frightening.  Frightening because it is like my body is saying to me I just cant take one more crying spell.  I try to stave it off but the pressure seems to build and within a certain period of time (now it is about every other day) I end up crying at least for awhile.  I cant believe this is still going on. 

Of course there are tons of reasons why and elucidating them is somewhat futile.  Bottom lines I lost the only friend I ever had.  It's really that simple.  I have no other friends.  We could say anything to each other (and did) and no matter what we found the time and energy to talk it out.  All of it, all the the, 24/7.  Now I have nothing but blank walls and screaming to myself.  

Am I better? You could say yes but as compared to the inability to even get out of a bed, well, then yes.  I am dying.  I cannot see my body taking this for much longer and I don't see a way out.  Just is what it is.  Being without him is killing me. 

Comment by rachel_micele on October 8, 2015 at 8:49pm

P.S. Looking up some things it seems there may have been a little more to the story of how the media/public was meddling and how she was scared of being judged, stigmatized, or even borderline accused (wrongly) of having something to do with her boyfriend's death (ex.murdering him) may have played into her suicide too. I'll admit that part of her emotions I cannot understand. But anyway, the point is her boyfriend was her soulmate, her life.

Comment by rachel_micele on October 8, 2015 at 7:56pm

Tildyc, "And I haven't shared these thoughts with a single soul." Thank you for sharing with all of us. Venture it's safe to say none of us would care if we went to sleep and passed peacefully during the night. But talking about this topic and how we've gone beyond the general thoughts of suicide to these kinds of smaller details, I feel, is a different concept. (I also remember you talking about your dogs before and if I remember right they are pit bulls.)

Don't know if you (or anyone else) remembers the county singer Mindy McCready. At 37 in February of 2013 she shot and killed her (and her boyfriends) dog and then herself. One month and five days prior to that, her boyfriend shot and killed himself. Mindy and the dog were found on her front porch, the exact place her boyfriend shot himself. Not sure why I've remembered her. Maybe because, at the time, I couldn't understand how anyone could kill their pet and you knew for her to do this and so soon after her boyfriends death, this had to be a horrible pain for her. I am so sad to say that, now, I totally get it.

Comment by Tildyc on October 8, 2015 at 6:23pm

rachel_michell and all-

I have several firearms in my home. After all I was born and raised in Alaska and it is as common as owning a broom around here. And hunting was my man's passion and how he provided heathy food for us. Well- now his rifles belong to me. In fact they sit it my front room in the corner, right where I can see them at all times. I stare at them and imagine which one I would use. Where would I do it? Definitely not indoors. Then I tried to figure out what to do with my 2 dogs for there is no one that could take over in my place. I have seriously considered the morbid thought of using the rifle on them if I were to follow through on my own self demise. I consider this in order to save them from a dog pound and an ultimately being euthanized alone and unloved. For they are not "re-homable."

I have contemplated do many tiny details.

This is just a one scenario that I've pondered. Yes it is disturbing. And I haven't shared these thoughts with a single soul. In my former life- before everything I believed in was destroyed... I swore I'd never take my own life. It was completely outside my realm- insane. Now- all I wish for is to die. Some sort of accident or disease. This way I don't have to try to find my own way out.

It is so crazy how this has effected me- losing him. If you knew me before- you would never in a million yrs believe I would be the person I am today. But here I am, researching the internet for least painful and effective way to end my own life. wtf?

Comment by rachel_micele on October 8, 2015 at 5:07pm

Per Alice, "I hate hearing casual conversation and humour." Big fat dido. Nothing matters. Hearing others ("normals") talk of how something in their life is so bad pales gravely in comparison to what we are experiencing. I still find so little to laugh about, pretty close to nothing. Can't watch happy couples on tv, movies, in person. I'm still so heartbroken over what I lost. Yes, if love truly never dies from Gary's side I have something so special and rare. We had so many situational obstacles and fights struggling to find our middle ground. But that was how much we loved each other, how much we both knew how amazing it would be if we could just get past all that. Just short of 3 months before he passed we had our breakthrough. I was anxious to see how good it was going to finally get and ready to start our lives together. 

I was processing suicide with my counselors within a month. My cat is the only thing I am living for. (Had someone last week tell me that he didn't believe that and I'm stronger than that. Ahh, no.) She is my kid and I couldn't find anything to do with her I felt okay about. Couldn't bear thought of putting her down or taking her to the pound. To kill her with me and inflict any degree of pain I could not do. Even leaving her with my parents where she currently is, I know they would never care or give her the attention and love I do. If I did complete suicide I would want her to see me, smell me, to understand what happened. But if I'm not here there's no way for me to make sure that would get done.

A part of me truly did not care what anyone would think if I wasn't here. They don't feel anything of the hell I am. They can "be there" all they want but at the end of the day, it's just me to deal with this unbearable, tormenting monster of grief and loss. Four months later the suicidal pain resurfaced. If I would of owned a handgun I would of had someone take it away. The place of desperation on a whim to think, "fuck it" before shooting myself in the head was a place so real and right at my fingertips. For some reason I wouldn't want that kind of action to be in a moment of desperate whim.

I can imagine your kids appreciate you still being there for him. Glad to hear your son is on the mend.

Comment by rachel_micele on October 6, 2015 at 11:37pm

Hello again Alice. I always thought Gary would pass before me as he was also older at 11 years. There was also heart issues in his family I should of taken much more stock of. But still, it wasn't supposed to happen now. I keep saying that like it matters. I just don't understand how to accept this. Hearing more of your story I'm sure you can relate to the shock factor and I'm so sorry for it.  

A living nightmare you mentioned. Oh yes. That was how I felt for at least the first handful of months. Every second of the day. At night too the dreams were there to remind me of it. Many of them he was both passed and alive. In two of them he died. Handful of them he was alive. Couple times I'd wake up from him being alive and for those couple minutes he was. It was wonderful. But then came the sucker punch in the gut when reality hit me. I think my mind has finally sorted out what has happened. I still can't accept it though.

Avoiding people is much easier, for me pretty much all the time.

I can't speak of a physical pain in the heart. But I don't understand how I'm alive. I feel like every part of me died and I truly have no heartbeat.

Comment by rachel_micele on October 6, 2015 at 8:13pm

After the thread conversation of the last couple days I just want to say that I appreciate every single one of you who are here bringing your different perspectives, different emotions. Continuing with what Morgan said and how we all have different situations, beliefs, or ways we are processing this nightmare, I'm grateful we can all still be here, if in the least, to show none of us are alone. It's still such a shitty situation but relating to what Tildyc has said in the past, I don't know what else to do.

Morgan -when you talk about science and quantum physics it makes me think of the movie "What the Bleep, Down the Rabbit Hole". I don't know if you've ever heard of it.    

Comment by Tildyc on October 6, 2015 at 7:37pm

I hate that I'm still alive. I was hoping at some point this deep sadness that permanently resides in my chest and which has stolen my ability to ever be truly happy again- would ease up. But it has not. It is an ever constant thing. It never leaves me for a second. My smile never reaches my eyes and my laughter is not true.

I realize that this feeling is now different in some aspects- but that dark hollowness that has been there from the second he left me behind has not let up or changed in the least bit. And I already know that I will forever feel this way. (I do know myself) and I know I will never feel joy again. I will never be ok. My sanity is escaping me and this is no way to live. Why can't I just find the balls to set myself free? I want out- this is not how its suppose to be- Everything is wrong. Irreparably broken. I can not/will not, live the rest of my life like this. NOT an option.

Comment by bluebird on October 6, 2015 at 7:15pm

i will never accept my husband's death. i will never "move on". i will never adjust. i will never be with anyone else. i will never want to. ALL of who i was is gone, is dead.

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