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Comment by Tildyc on October 26, 2015 at 8:39pm

Hilary-
"I was **so** (omg) **so** girlishly excited to leave work and drive home. "

"Now when I drive home, I find myself always crying, sometimes screaming"

Yes, yes, yes. You have described one of what used to be- one of my daily reasons for living that has now turned into a living nightmare- EXACTLY.
I mean seriously there are many, many breakdowns every single day, but the drive from work to home has been one of the worst. I actually have gotten so distraught that I've hyperventilated. I've never ever been a weak person. I've never been so completely out of control and so hopeless. The heavy feeling of dread begins towards the end of my work day. And it builds. By time I'm almost home I'm completely broken down. I've actually had to get anti anxiety meds for this. It's a helpless feeling.

He will never be there again asking me if I want to go to the store with him and what I want for him to make for our dinner. He was the best cook. He was the best man I've ever met... And he was my world. Now when I come home... Empty rooms and nothing but sadness and tears. Unanswered longing and emptiness.

I just want out.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 26, 2015 at 8:11pm

Dear Tildyc and Hilary,

Life sucks BIG time. Life as it is now without Joseph is totally worthless, meaningless, and it's sheer torture to have to go on living like this always with a hollow feeling in my chest and the tears ready to well up at a moment's notice.

Hilary what you say about leaving work sounds painfully familiar. Joseph and I worked at the same university for 15 years and we would come to work and leave from work together everyday. Joseph's class would be over before mine, so when I would be done with my last class of the day, I would come to my office and be greeted by a big smile from Joseph who would be sitting at the desk outside my office. My heart would pound at the sight of that welcoming smile. Many a times Joseph and I laughed at how we were like teenage lovers that our eyes light up at the sight of one another.

We were so perfectly happy with one another! We didn't need much more to fulfill our wishes and desires. We had each other, it was deeply satisfying. It was absolutely wonderful. Now after work (like now) I come back to my office with a sinking feeling, with despair and loneliness, and I prolong my time here at work doing something, or nothing, so as not to have to go home without my darling Joseph. When I go home now, it's to an empty place full of memories. This is so heartbreaking, this is torture. It's so cruel and unnecessary!

Comment by Hilary Christene on October 26, 2015 at 7:30pm

Well,

it's just ... no comfort. That someone else will benefit from my pain? I have nothing against it. This doesn't comfort me at all. It makes me feel like a tortured slave. I was tortured into helpfulness. Besides, really, I am already pretty helpful.

It's time to drive home from work now. I was **so** (omg) **so** girlishly excited to leave work and drive home. D would be there (usually, unless he got tangled in traffic), playing guitar. I was so eager to get home to him. Traffic was too slow!! It unnecessarily increased the number of minutes I had to be away from him. So, I would call him from the car. On my headset. And talk to him so that traffic would drive me less crazy.

Now when I drive home, I find myself always crying, sometimes screaming. Right now, I still keep hoping there's some way out of all this pain, out of the finality of this. I guess that must be the denial part.

Comment by Tildyc on October 26, 2015 at 7:15pm

I completely and thoroughly agree with bluebird. I used to believe but now ..... NO. A loving and benevolent entity would not allow such devastation and pain. I honestly pity the next person who tells me this is a test or it's gods will.

And to my fellow Alaskan Trina- yes, to die is the only escape. Life will never be any good to me ever again. The pain and crying will never end. At least not until I finally take that final dirt nap. But that most likely will be yet another 30- 40 yrs. I can only hope for an early release. Unless I finally figure out how to take matters into my own hands and do it myself. I know how I must sound to some on here right now. But frankly, I do not give a rat's ass. I give up. Eff this life.

Comment by bluebird on October 26, 2015 at 2:38pm

She may have meant well, but that IS a blasphemy, IMHO. I don't believe in god, but if there is a god I don't give a damn what it wants or what its plan might be, and when people say things to me like that woman did to you, I tell them so. Since she was kind and meant well, I wouldn't be mean about it, but I would be clear. I don't try to hide my anguish; why should I? Why should any of us?

Comment by Hilary Christene on October 26, 2015 at 2:29pm

Alice and all, thanks for welcoming me.

Today a beautiful, kind, and completely well meaning person told me with tears in her eyes that God will use my pain to make me a better person. I smiled right into her eyes with all the warmth I could muster and thanked her for her kindness and care for me. Underneath, I cringed away from the horrible sting what felt to me like a violent blasphemy against the sacred nature of my love and loss.

I do as well as I can to let God use me for good and don't disagree with her at all. But it hurt me so much to hear her say that, and I didn't want her to see it, while she was trying so hard to connect with me. I don't blame her; I'm not mad, just realizing there is a new wall between me and others, separating us by their inability to comprehend this desolation, even though they might try.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 26, 2015 at 1:57am

Dear Fellow Grievers,

I have been reading your posts even though I haven't participated in the conversation lately. My heart goes out to you all. One of the reasons for my silence is that I don't have much to say to those new members who join this accursed group. I can remember myself almost 15 month ago, almost at the brink of losing my sanity, bereft, despondent beyond belief b/c my world as I knew it, fell apart and there was nothing here to keep me going. So when I read posts from the freshly bereaved, my heart just aches for them especially knowing the tough, uncharted road that lies ahead of them. To the ones who have been on this site for a while like me, I send you my heartfelt empathy.

I live and work in Alaska and the fall weather here feels almost like winter. The days grow shorter and the cold creeps in sooner. Because of the arrival of this depressing weather, I've felt more depressed lately. The little bit of courage that I had found a couple of months ago seems to be leaving me fast.

Not a day goes by when I don't cry several times a day and ask the same question over and over again, one that nicole irving asks here: how am I to go on living like this for another 25-30 years? My only glimmer of consolation is that I do not know for sure that I will live that long. And I stave off that thought for a little bit.

Though unfortunately for us, extreme mental and emotion anguish and unspeakable grief don't kill people. If they did, all of us on this site would have been dead by now. Isn't that ironic? While we fervently prayed and wished for the love of our life to be granted another 2, 3, 5, 10 years more of life, here we are facing unspeakable anguish and suffering for an indefinite time, as this pain will in no way shorten our life span. Grief is like a chronic disease that lingers on and eats away gradually, but doesn't kill.

I have been busy too. Joseph's sister and nephew visited me for a few days. It was very nice. Also I organized a memorial lecture to honor Joseph last week. The lecture was well attended, and that brings some consolation and comfort. But this yearning, longing, and wishing for my own death is ongoing. The day these yearnings get a little less stronger I will have found some peace. But when? If ever?

Sending good thoughts your way so that life is somewhat bearable.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 26, 2015 at 12:01am

bluebird,

If this never-ending grief can cause an earlier death then good. Yes, probably over time grief and suffering reduce life span. I can only hope that this will bring me closer to my end sooner. The daily living like this is so, so hard. No words are adequate to describe to, but we all live it everyday...

Comment by Hilary Christene on October 25, 2015 at 11:30pm

What remains I pray it passes fast away.

That Grace will let I can forget how

Emptiness now lengthens every day.

Oh you, beloved soul, oh brilliant star,

Oh treasured charm.

Gone, my confidante, my heart,

My love, gone.

In dreams at night I pray I find

Your liquid eyes melt into mine.

Soften, brighten, shine and shine

Love's respite from Nightmare Life

You,

Beloved, hold me, keep me,

Stay my failing underneath this sorrow.

I Hasten in my reach for Him.

Let it now quickly close upon tomorrow.

Comment by bluebird on October 25, 2015 at 10:59pm

Trina,

Actually, this never-ending grief and pain CAN bring death more quickly -- feeling this way increases the chances of heart attack, stroke, cancer, etc.  So we may get to die sooner rather than later. At least, I hope that's what happens to me.

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