Comment

Comment by morgan on November 3, 2015 at 11:21pm

Hi everyone,  Haven't been here for awhile.  It's been difficult to write. I just cannot seem to write about how some things just have not changed.  The most critical parts of life have simply been wiped clean from my purview.  I have searched and waited for a return to some sort of spirit of myself.  It's not happening.  

I thought the first couple years were devastating.  Seeking solace finding none and so finding relief only by curling up in a ball and waiting for the next breakdown.  And the breakdowns came. One after another after another.  Endless.  And surfaced anywhere.  Not just in the privacy of my house.  

Now….. well, now after 33 months I am so desperate to die.  Not in the same way I was,  it has become taken on a different painful expression.  The intention of wanting to die has overwhelmed any rational thought.  I cannot think without his essence being attached to every thought so as I try to navigate better in the "new" reality which  comes more into focus because I am participating more in my surroundings I am falling apart at things that I should be able to handle.  Simple things.  It's kind of worse than being in the fog and knowing how bad it would be because it was such a new shocking place to be but by now even my own brain thinks it should be operating at at least a bit better level. Instead I am struggling almost as mightily as I was in the beginning.  And the struggle is because after this long I expected to be able to have him occupy a place in my head where he rides constantly (every second) but not be so prone to going deeper and darker when I go in the hole.  Back then I expected to go in the hole often and go deep.  As time has passed my brain thinks there is no way I could be this fucked up and yet I am.  It's like a slow descent into the world of dementia.

I ride for awhile in the "real world" and function like I am getting a better hold and then I remember there is no one to love me anymore.  No one.  People who say they do are full of shit.  They don't love me.  They like the fact that I am in their sphere and I am more available to them than I ever was but it is not love.  I had love.  One.  That's it.   And that is killing me.  Not having love and having to do everything by and for myself is not going to last.  I can't do this.  Try as I might to make a positive life for myself its not possible.  I walked by a bunch of older people today at the senior center, playing cards, talking to each other. I can't do it.  I want none of it.  Many are widowed.  I can’t take it.  I don't want to be some old soul going to a senior center to play cards, sharing meals at a cafeteria table. I can't do it.  I am 63, I am ripe for beginning that journey.  I won't.  I can't do it.  I want no part in it.  

And yet I breathe.  God damn it, I breathe.  I am so tired of breathing.  Can't I figure out a way not to have to breathe?  Thinking is just too hard anymore.  I don't want to have to think of him anymore.  It's pain that just wont go away.  Even after this long.  Some people seem able to accommodate themselves to some different kind of life.  I just don't now how to make it any different than it is now.  When the pain hits it's like being back at day one.  It's always going to be like this.  It isn't going to change.  The only thing that will change it is my own death.  I just don't know how to make that happen.

Comment by Tildyc on November 3, 2015 at 10:16pm

If he could just come back - I wouldn't have to this weird fucked up person anymore....

Comment by Tildyc on November 3, 2015 at 9:56pm

I'm so effed up. The things I do, the thoughts I have, the things I say, my behavior..... everything is out of control. I have horrible flash backs of his death that I cannot seem to block out. But even the beautiful memories will put me into a painful and sad place.

This is not who I've been- ever. But it is who I am now. The absence of him defines everything about me now. I am trying in so many ways to escape this debilitating pain...Some that are considered risky....... I'm an intelligent woman- and I know what I do is only a temporary escape. It's all pretty pathetic and empty. Yet- I still do not care.

It blows me away and is beyond reason that I could so easily be transform from a happy, strong, confident, sucessful, independent, tough as nails human to this disintegrated person that I have become. This scenario is way beyond anything I could've ever imagined- beyond my comprehension. Its such a waste of a life.

I will never see, touch or hear him ever again. THAT is a fact that I know that all of you can relate to.

Why do I keep waking up day after useless day? As I've said before- why does my broken heart just go on beating? Why must I go on in this agonizing life? Please, let me die.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 31, 2015 at 9:38pm

Hello AnneJ,

I am so sorry for your loss and I mourn the loss of us all on this grief site. While the circumstances of the actual death is different in each case, what is not different is our deep sense of loss, grief, pain, and anguish. And the feeling of absolute lack of purpose on a daily basis.

On this All Hallows' Eve and tomorrow All Souls' Day, my pain and sorrow feel even more bitter today. I sat in my car watching the sunset and remembered my love, my soulmate, my lover, and my best friend with an agonizing pain in my chest. Joseph will never come back, I can wait all I want, but I will never see his smiling face again, never hear his loving voice, nor feel his touch on my body. How can I go on living like this year after year, day after day?

Thinking of all the suffering survivors on this site and sending good thoughts your way.

Comment by Tildyc on October 31, 2015 at 1:33am

Its all so empty... So thoroughly pointless. What is the use of this day after endless day? It's like treading water until you can no longer take it anymore. At some point your head HAS to slip under. Why do I keep waking up to yet another useless and brutal day? I understand no one can change this or help me.

I am un-escapably and forever alone.

And this is what I am suppose to accept as my GD life now...???

Comment by Mel Royer on October 29, 2015 at 2:34pm

The holidays are something I too am not looking forward to.  I m going to attend a Thanksgiving dinner alone, something Nancy and I always did together and as far as Christmas goes we usually stayed at home so that will be a lonely and sadtime for me.  New Years Day as well...we always watched the New Years Day concert in Vienna together. I think I'll pass on it this year.  God Bless you all and Peace to you

for being a part of this site.

Comment by Tildyc on October 29, 2015 at 12:30pm

Yes George- you and I are at the same place. My Mark died in front of me. Feb. 4, 2014. I had to get thru our anniversary and his birthday this month. Thanksgiving was his time to shine- since he was the worlds best cook. I'll never have that again. Then Christmas- eff that. I do not want that stuffed down my throat. I wish I could go to a place where there is none of it. Buddhist community or something.... Next, new yrs, then my b- day in Jan. And the month our lives blew into a million prices George. February. I 'm so sorry we are forced to walk this similar path George. You are so right - it is completely senseless and so painfully unbearable. I'm so very very sorry.

Comment by George H on October 29, 2015 at 10:23am

I just can't seem to catch a break in all this mess Mary love Halloween which is 2 days away then I have Thanksgiving Christmas new years January is Mary birthday February is when she died can't make any sense of this whole damn mess just know things aren't any better still stay away from people except for you guys wish you all

Comment by Tildyc on October 28, 2015 at 9:01am

Forever alone. Day after day- year after year. So so many tears and the deep empty darkness in my soul. This is not depression- it is an entirely different animal. The phycological damage cannot be repaired by a pill or a councillor. The only one that could save me is Mark. Therefore, to state the obvious, I am beyond repair. There is no escaping this hell. I am living a life of no hope. I truly hate living.

Comment by Mel Royer on October 27, 2015 at 5:14am

Now, as I round up my 6th month without Nancy, I am starting to

dread the merciless deep pain and fear of loneliness. Day after day

looking out windows, staring at a tv not really watching, staring at

my computer screen and still completely alone.  Intermittently I

cry...every day without exception asking God to take me. Take me

away from this burning hell of existence.  and always remembering

what I told my soul mate when she was living. We would discuss 

our own desires about our passing.  I told her "I don't care to live in

a world without you in it".  and now, she isn't.  My only companion

is loneliness. I pray for all of us. For all of us to find some peace and

comfort. That is what I've found in this group. God Bless you all.

Life is hard!   Mel

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 207
• 208
• 209
• 210
• 211
• …
• 339
• Next ›
• Page